Tag Archives: weird

Your Dog & Your Cervix: Seriously, Just Don’t Go There

I know you're tempted. After all, he seems like a good boy. But before long, you'll see that he never calls his mother and hasn't had a job in forever. Then where will you be? Sitting alone with way too many jars of peanut butter, that's where.

In a tragic case of too much information, it has been revealed that an Irish woman paused long enough between drunken blackouts and unplanned pregnancies to live out a fantasy and have intercourse with a German Shepherd, only to die immediately afterward from an allergic reaction. It’s just like those people who die eating their first peanut, except with animal genitals.

Putting aside my journalistic objectivity for a moment, I must say that I feel awful for this poor woman. I mean, how was she supposed to know she was allergic to dog jizz? I’ve filled out lots of medical history forms at the doctor’s office, and I don’t recall anyone asking about it. Can you even get tested? Like, where they cover your back with little pinpricks, and one of them is labeled “Terrier Taffy”? Plus, even if there is a test, will insurance pay for it, and how do you bring it up with your insurance agent? I think I’d feel judged.

Speaking of awkward conversations, is it a genetic thing you can inherit? If so, isn’t there an ethical obligation for a mother to tell her daughter that she’s a carrier? You wouldn’t want her learning it on the street, or in some alley behind a kennel somewhere, right? It’s difficult to imagine the ways this would challenge affected parents. The first time your little girl brings home a stray, do you scold her, or calmly sit her down with a copy of Our Doggies, Our Selves and answer her questions? Do you write angry letters to your local TV station to protest their over-sexualization of children with their Scooby-Doo re-runs? It all seems so terribly complicated.

As far as the public health ramifications go, does this mean there are entire families of women carrying the gene for this allergy, walking around like bestiality bombs, primed to go off if they get too close to hound cock? Or worse, are all women allergic? Is this something that’s been kept from us? Because it sounds like something someone would keep quiet… the CDC maybe, or the ASPCA. Probably because they didn’t want al-Qaeda to get wind of it; I hear there are camps in the mountains of Pakistan where sleeper dogs are being trained by terrorist handlers to infiltrate our nation’s network of commie-liberal animal shelters. They’re tracking them by watching for large online orders of Milk Bones and Astroglide.

More news as it breaks.

Pissing Pervert Prompts Police Proactivity, Prison Probable

So you’re a young Jersey City lady, orange skin glowing in the dawning light as you proceed through the day’s GTL ritual, and you feel something… strange. Something warm, and yet not comforting. Something moist, and yet not a piece of cake. Something yellow, and yet not jaundiced like your cousin Tony got that time. You, m’lady, are another victim of The Serial Urinator.

Twenty-seven year-old Nitinkuma Patel is accused of walking up behind random women and unexpectedly showering their legs with his frisky flow of festive fluid. He was spotted approaching a 16 year-old girl, pants already damp with what one would assume was anticipation, and whipping it out to give the shocked lass the full benefit of his bladder bilge.

No word yet as to Patel’s motive for this string of sexy sexual assaults, but word from my personal sources suggests that it may have something to do with childhood trauma involving his mother and an obscure incident in a ladies’ restroom.

EDITORIAL COMMENT:

Why is it these guys always have such awesome recall? I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning (could’ve been the steaming entrails of a deer I brought down with my bare hands, or possibly a bowl of Raisin Bran) , while Patel here can pee on someone and run home to relive the experience in minute, masturbatory detail.

Perhaps such deviance is like gingko biloba, fortifying the memory via sexual stimulation. I think I’ll go piss on the neighbor’s cat and see if I can remember what I had for dinner last night.

It works! I had asparagus!

The Early Trailer for Spider-Man 4 Is Here and It May Need a Red Band

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWS8lWILAFg

Jesus! I mean, I think we all suspected something was up with Tobey Maguire, but this? I gotta admit, I didn’t see it coming. Speaking of which, and speaking of speaking, I think I speak for us all when I say that I’m really, deeply glad we didn’t see it coming. Unless we did, and it was just… contained.

Quick question: I need to erase the memory of that video; is it safe to clean your frontal lobe by spraying canned air up your nose? Ah, never mind… forget I asked. It can’t get any worse, after all.

UPDATE: No, it is not safe. Unless you’re looking for a quick way to trigger the onset of adult incontinence, that is. And just FYI, no reason: Depends undergarments cannot pass for Speedos, even if you paint them black and wear them to the beach.

(hat tip: Geekologie)

Friday’s Links Are… Hypoallergenic!

091118-lungs-amphibian-worm-caecilian_170Lungless Worms: one more thing I didn’t need to know existed – NatGeo News http://bit.ly/1FMDc6
Aside from looking like the Play-Doh snakes we used to make in second grade, this is just disturbing. Well, okay… what’s really disturbing is that my pal Billy’s Play-Doh snakes had mushroom heads, and he always named them “Uncle John”. Weird kid.

Ron Burgandy overpaid? Never! – Forbes.com http://bit.ly/3CdVuz
By the testes of Hercules! Yes, I will concede that at least 75% of everything Will Farrell turns out is straight-up awful. (I’m looking at you, Will Farrell’s kids.) But the one-two punch of Anchorman and Talladega Nights would alone justify giving him half of the 2009 stimulus package. Just think how many people he could employ if he just kept cranking out movies full of delightfully dumb guys… in my home town alone, he would completely wipe out unemployment!

No videogames back then, so they must have blamed stickball for these murders – CNN.com http://bit.ly/1aQxKn
Fascinating factoids about Howard Unruh, who became America’s first mass murdering nutjob in 1949: (1) His last name reads like the sound you make when someone gets kicked in the nads. (2) During his rampage, Howard killed a shoemaker, making him our first mass murderer and the last guy to see an actual, living shoemaker. (3) A witness said of Unruh’s return from WWII that “He’s not right. … He just came back a little different.” Which is cool, because it makes it sound like Germany had a lot in common with Pet Semetary… Nazi zombies rule!

As excuses go, “I’m allergic to your spunk” is at least better than “I have a headache.” | The Daily Telegraph http://bit.ly/2ZzMdG
A couple uses condoms for the first two years of their relationship, and then go bareback on their wedding night… only to discover that his semen gives her blisters.Which makes her the sad, childless lady and him the awesome dude with lava spooge.

Saturday’s Links Are… Judeish!

Hey Jude flowchart for the Beatles

  • Who would have ever thought that Ahnuld would turn out to be the subtle version of Dick Cheney?
  • Save the Planet: Eat a Dog? – The Dominion Post
    I’ve thought about it… I mean, who wants to hang around with someone who’s constantly showing off how he can lick his own nuts? It’s not like they taste that good anyway. Allegedly.
  • I flowcharted the Beatles – Love All This
    I’ve always known that some of us have struggled to fully comprehend who is (and is not) The Eggman, not to mention said ovoid gentleman’s relationship to The Walrus. But apparently there exists a subset of the population that even stumbles over the intricacies of Hey Jude. For those tortured souls, we now have a flowchart.

Monday’s Links Are… Wasted!

hot chick smoking pot

Friday’s Links Are… Shaved!

Thursday’s Links Are… Animalistic!

travel bidet

Friday’s Links Are… Massaged!

Kim Kardashian white bikini people shoot