Tag Archives: videos

Miley “Can’t Be Tamed”, Might Require Cattle Prod

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You must stay at least 1000 yards from this image at all times.

I was all prepped to post something snarky and creepy about Miley Cyrus’s new album (Can’t Be Tamed) and the video for its lead single, which serves as the next step in her plan to raise sex offender recidivism rates across the country. But that was totally derailed when TMZ got their mitts on a video of Smiley going buck-wild at the wrap party for her latest cinematic irrelevancy. Shockingly, the public seems to have lost its collective shit.

Y’know, I really don’t understand people. Why the big deal over Miley giving director Adam Shankman a lapdance? I don’t pay much attention to the news, but it seems like all those elderly people with the signs on that one Fox channel that never runs American Idol are always complaining about this country losing its freedoms. I’m sure they’d agree with me that The Founding Fathers were all in favor of underage girls grinding all over a profoundly gay dude’s disinterested lap.

(I believe it was Ben Franklin who said one night during the Constitutional Convention, “Gentleman, being as we are at an impasse in the grand design of our nation’s governance upon this eve, perhaps it would best serve the ultimate needs of our assorted and trustful constituencies that we repair for fair rest and sober reflection to whatever sanctuaries most welcome our diverse spirits. In my case, the nearest titty bar.”)

Let’s face it, America: it’s 2010, and by the time your Little Princesses are old enough to use the web without you in the room, they have already seen their first double-penetration porn with a frosty finish. By Miley’s age, they’ve mastered the art of giving a handy-j with the left hand and texting about it with the right. My God, they’ve seen both girls and the cup. You just don’t come back from that.

Yeah, it's the cup that gets them. Every time.

Bearing this in mind, wouldn’t you prefer they were freaking all over some middle-aged homosexual who will clap cheerfully and encourage them to be fierce? Giving them outlets like that –in conjunction with constant exposure to weird-haired castrati like those Bieber and Jonas boys– will keep them off the straight and narrow, if y’know what I mean. Think about it.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, all I have left for the new song is the video and this interesting factoid: someone called The BCG –I’m assuming it’s an abbreviation for Bi-Curious Guy– also has an album called Can’t Be Tamed, which features a single entitled Tea Bag A Ho. I’m not saying there’s a connection here… but if the balls dangle, dip ‘em.

The Early Trailer for Spider-Man 4 Is Here and It May Need a Red Band

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWS8lWILAFg

Jesus! I mean, I think we all suspected something was up with Tobey Maguire, but this? I gotta admit, I didn’t see it coming. Speaking of which, and speaking of speaking, I think I speak for us all when I say that I’m really, deeply glad we didn’t see it coming. Unless we did, and it was just… contained.

Quick question: I need to erase the memory of that video; is it safe to clean your frontal lobe by spraying canned air up your nose? Ah, never mind… forget I asked. It can’t get any worse, after all.

UPDATE: No, it is not safe. Unless you’re looking for a quick way to trigger the onset of adult incontinence, that is. And just FYI, no reason: Depends undergarments cannot pass for Speedos, even if you paint them black and wear them to the beach.

(hat tip: Geekologie)

Hermione Way: Red-Hot Mac Lovin’

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Don’t waste your breath telling me this video is a goof, a self-promotional comedy clip produced by a British tech blogger, or anything else. Because ladies and gentlemen (yes, I give my audience too much credit), this is one of those times where I want to believe. I need to think that –somewhere out there– I can one day find a cute girl so emotionally damaged that she has given up on all hope of finding a mature, responsible, warm, and nurturing human lover, and has settled instead on a cold, unfeeling hunk of sexless nothing that can only manage to robotically repeat empty phrases that simulate affection. ‘Cause I was born for that relationship!

Also, I’m pretty sure that –if I strap an empty Mac Pro chassis to my head– she might wear this shirt while we make sterile, hopeless love:

Be mine, Hermione!

All of my best dreams start like this. Only with less microphone, and more buckets of room-temperature Country Crock.

(via TUAW)
(Paul Clarke on Flickr)
(London Nude Tech 2010 calendar)

What The Tap-Dancing Hell Am I Looking At…?

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Someone shaved down a wookie, bleached him, and taught him to rap? Awesome! No?

Um… so Ron Perlman managed to asexually reproduce and shit out a kid with an Eddie Munster hairdo and a weed problem? Wrong again?

Lessee… an albino mountain gorilla raped a manatee with Downs syndrome, and the resulting offspring made a video to apologize for its sordid existence? Yes? I got it?!

Yes!

One For The Ladies: Penis Follies

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First, we begin with the sad, cautionary tale of the guy with the world’s largest (natural) penis:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKczTKLS8hY

Of course, the real reason Jonah is struggling as an actor is because he’s an unconvincing liar. After all, everyone knows I have the world’s largest penis![1]

But that aside, I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, I’m a proud Vaginal-American, and I clicked through to this post with the expectation that I would see some unusual wang!” Well, my lovelies, I can provide you with that which you desire, because here we have the world’s largest (unnatural) penis:

If you want to hear some of the underlying English from that clip, go here. If you want to imagine where he could possibly put that thing, go here. If you want your innocence back, join the club and go here.

FOOTNOTES:

[1] See what I did there? That’s acting, Jonah! I told a lie, but I was completely convincing. In reality, not everyone knows about my giant schlong… just a string of very sore, very satisfied ex-girlfriends. And a tranny named Raquel, about whom no more will be said.[2]

[2] Except this: if people expect us men to keep a clean heterosexual record, then they need to do something about dim lighting and the easy availability of tequila and opaque neck scarves.

Lohan Is No One’s Muse

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Normally, annoying and/or boring people become more interesting when they take off their clothes. It’s like magic. Or at least that’s what Rufus the Konjuring Klown told me behind my dad’s tool-shed at my sixth birthday party. But Rufus lied… and had really cold hands, I might add.

Lohan changing it up: having sex with a guy pretending to be Johnny Depp, instead of having sex with a chick pretending to be Gollum. You've come a long way, baby.

I mean, let’s look at these shots of Lohan from Muse magazine for a minute. Is there anyone I’m less interested in seeing naked at this point? Rhea Perlman? Okay, I’ll give you that. Cookie Monster? Possibly, although those googly eyes and that gaping mouth are intriguing. But Lindsay? Meh.

It’s not that she looks bad, really. Taken out of context, she’s actually looking porn-star-decent. (Somewhere between porn-star-hot and porn-star-pee-in-my-mouth-I-need-money-for-meth-awful.) She’s just… Lohan. It’s as if she’s transcended the erotic, becoming some sort of sexless alien with huge tits. Which should be hot, I know… but it just isn’t.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpg9lpT-rL8

Storm Large’s ‘Eight Miles Wide’: Best Song of 2009, or Best Song Ever?

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Storm is attempting to stare into the dark recesses of my soul. The joke's on her... I watched an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians the other day, so my soul's been dead for at least 72 hours.

A few years back, Survivor producer Mark Burnett took a second crack at turning his Rock Star concept into a franchise with Rock Star: Supernova. Unfortunately, the formula that had worked reasonably well for Rock Star: INXS –bring in a bunch of struggling, professional vocalists to compete for a shot at fronting a big-name band– fell flat in its second iteration. Some might attribute that to the brief period of reality-show backlash that hit the country at that time; personally, I think it had more to do with  the fact that there’s only so much excitement to be had in watching people struggle for accolades from Carmen Electra’s ex-sex toy and two walking footnotes (Gilby Clarke and Jason Newsted), while simultaneously trying to work out how many girls in the audience were going to be new hepatitis patients before Tommy Lee left the building each night.

But there were a handful of bright moments on the show, most of which were provided by one Storm Large, a blond bundle of tatted-up, maniacal energy and awesomeness encased in Wonder Woman’s body.

She even had a kick-ass original piece that she launched on the show, one that –when paired with JD Fortune/INXS’s Pretty Vegas from the previous seaosn– pretty much justified the production’s entire existence.

Stupidly, Storm was voted off the show much earlier than warranted, and I despaired of ever seeing her again. Like the other twelve people who watched the show, I completely lost track of her… until earlier this week, when I stumbled across her blog, and on it, one of the greatest music videos ever shot. Behold the wonder that is Eight Miles Wide!

It’s a piece from her one-woman show, Crazy Enough, reimagined visually as a mashup of “a Massengill douche commercial and a Dr. Pepper commercial”, demonstrating right there why the video would rule even if the song itself were complete ass.

Fortunately for all of us, that’s hardly the case… Storm has crafted one of the decade’s finest Cheerfully Filthy Songs, right up there with Liz Phair’s H.W.C.

You’re welcome.

Parkour Dog Is Like A Cat, Only, Y’know… Awesome

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I hate this fucking dog due to the fact that he’s cooler than my dog. And your dog. And you, for that matter… you completely suck eight kinds of ass compared to this animal. He’s not cooler than me, naturally… after all,  I have liquid nitrogen for blood and my testicles produce millions of razor sharp sperm-cicles that can only be handled safely by the hottest of the world’s porn stars.

The Video Parts Are… Gamey!

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Today’s collection of web videos starts off oh-so-pleasantly with an amazing pole-dance routine. It isn’t flawless, but there are some awesomely athletic moves in there that left me wondering “How did she do that?” As well as “How can I get her to do that in my living room?”

Next we’ve got a football-in-the-round referee who may not be gay, but who is most definitely fabulous!

Hey, does anyone remember that little video that was going ’round a while back, kind of an indie thing, featured two girls and a cup or something? Yeah, that. Here’s a little behind-the-scenes footage that explains the planning that went into that webamatic masterpiece.

And we’ll close with something… well, honestly, I don’t really know what to say. Y’know all those insanely creative penis drawings from Superbad‘s credits? Imagine that same brand of perverse thinking applied to not just wangs, but poop, sexual assault, and Japanese gigantism fetishes, filtered through a Sega Genesis-era videogame sensibility. Basically, picture Road Rash reinvented as a side-scrolling trucker hentai.

And be aware: this probably isn’t the most offensive thing you’ve ever watched, but you’re still gonna see things you can’t unsee. For comparative purposes, it’s probably just about as unpleasantly fascinating as watching Oprah go to town on a Sybian.