Tag Archives: video

Mayra Leal hiding behind a pillar with a gun

Mayra Leal Watch 2011: El Gallo & Solus

She keeps her built-in cellphone charger under her skirt this time, but Machete‘s unheralded MVP is back to deliver all the drug-addicted prostitution action you can handle. (If you’re me, that’s a lot. FYI.)

I figured it was time to check in on my favorite nude assassin/murderous home-wrecker, and I’ve discovered that the delightful Mayra Leal is in a new miniseries entitled El Gallo. If my Spanish is holding up, I believe “El Gallo” either refers to a large cat or a beloved purveyor of fine boxed wines.

(Please note that my Spanish teacher was one S. Gonzales, the fastest stereotype in all Meh-hee-coh.)

If there were ever any question about me watching this thing, it was answered when the trailer informed me that I could expect ACTION, COMEDY, VIOLENCE, FANTASY, ROMANCE, and LUST. I mean, those are like the six essential food groups of being awesome! The only way they could possibly improve on the formula would be with a monkey in a track suit and a space ninja. Bonus points were deducted for featuring a character named Charro who doesn’t have giant ’70s Love Boat boobs, but I will beneficently restore said points as a reward for that guy Pepe, whose insanely evil grin looks like a latino Joker taking a covert shit in the passenger seat of the Batmobile.

Next I found the trailer for her upcoming movie, Solus, which I think is a kind of mash-up of City of Angels, Requiem For A Dream, and something that would co-star Shannon Tweed if this were 1993. It’s also educational, since I had no idea that hookers strung out on heroin look anything like Mayra… clearly ladies, it’s time to skip the GTL and start chasing that dragon! Yes, there may be the occasional back alley panty-ripping, and you may get spit on by some guy with a goatee, but a handsome man (who I strongly suspect is an angel in the service of an angry God) will take  your scantily-clad silhouette in his arms and carry you off somewhere less rapey.

I concede it’s a rather roundabout approach to love and personal fulfillment, but at least you’ll be skinny! And isn’t that what really counts?

In other Mayra-centric news: a fight scene in another of her new flicks has her training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, a deadly martial art accidentally developed by 14th century Incas after exposure to a time-traveling Chuck Norris during one of Bill & Ted’s Decidedly Less Excellent Adventures. (Machu Picchu? That thing was totally a strip mall before Keanu Reeves burned down The Gap.)

So if you were thinking about pissing her off, I’d suggest you give the Deadly Hands of Leal Fu a pass and go hassle one of the Teen Moms. Those bitches can’t fight for shit.

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Steve Jobs May Be A Pervert (Also, Leggings Are Not Pants)

[video mp4="http://beforepartb.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/girl-in-apple-store.mp4" poster="http://beforepartb.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/vlcsnap-00080.jpg"  width="448" height="336"]

I’m assuming that Job #1 for all Apple Store employees is collecting the webcam footage they record and forwarding it to a massive bunker under Steve’s house. There, a team of naked Colombians spend their time jogging on treadmills to charge his MacBook’s batteries, while a group of video editors painstakingly sort the footage into two categories: “Chicks Whose Mothers Have Failed Them” and “Fat People Leaving Sbarro Stains On The iMacs”. I hear he jerks it to the former, and whips himself with a USB cable while watching the latter.

For the record, my source for this story was the homeless unicorn who lives in a box behind Cold Stone Creamery, where he works part-time ejaculating rainbow sprinkles into a bucket. So, y’know… it’s pretty much guaranteed to be true. (For certain values of “guaranteed” and “true”.)

 

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Guitar Heroine: The Greatest Musical Instrument Sex Video Ever (NSFW)

WARNING: This video depicts fictional sexual violence. A non-consenting guitar is fondled, thrown forcibly on to a bed, ravaged, and then thrown away like so much refuse. Please remember, kids: not being able to say no, means no.

The awesome thing about a video like this is how it does a terrible job of promoting the actual song (030 by The Good The Bad), and yet no one cares. This is because there are two absolute truths about music video production:

  1. Aspiring filmmakers hang around bands and musicians knowing that someday, they will have a legitimate excuse for paying a hot girl to get naked in front of their cameras. No one ever cares about the music in such a video, but it may get the filmmaker some nookie that’s way out of his league, and will definitely give him something for his demo reel that he’ll watch again and again, usually with the lights off, doors locked, and tissues at hand.
  2. Musicians tolerate this abuse of their musical genius because they get to sit around on set, smoke weed, and watch all the nakedness without being asked to do anything. After all, spending your days high, horny, and lazy is the baseline goal of everyone who ever formed a band.
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Georgia May Jagger Clearly Doesn’t Understand “T-Shirt Time”

Photo: Georgia May Jagger, for Hudson Jeans. Erection: me, for whatever's hiding under her elbow.

I have some issues with Ms. Jagger. Forgetting to put on a shirt or button her pants before stepping in front of the camera suggests she’s got memory issues, her dad is the only man alive who could take down Ron Perlman and Tim Curry in an Ugly Face/Cool Voice showdown, and her mother was disfigured first on film by The Joker, and then in real life by the domestic abuse of Father Time. All that’s bad enough. Then you factor in her weird hobbies:

A while ago, on the street, a guy yelled, “You could stick a gold through your front teeth!” Which meant I could put a £1 coin between them. But you can’t. I’ve tried! Fifty-pence coins and 2-pence coins, yes. But not a pound.

What the hell? Bitch, have you never heard of Ass Pennies?!

You don’t ever put random, filthy coins in anything that matters to you; the disgusting state of our cash supply is why Western society’s piggy banks are the only ceramic livestock in the world that carry salmonella. I have it on good authority that the average woman’s change-purse is crawling with more microscopic critters than a rest-stop glory hole on Hobo Appreciation Nights.

Simply put, there are some lines that even I won’t cross. If terrorists were threatening to blow up one of our national monuments and the only way to stop them would be to gargle a few dimes, well, Mt. Rushmore would just have to deal with a decapitation or two. A serial killer could have my grandma strapped to an explosive device made out of nitroglycerin and dildos, and I would still be forced to pass.1

Dammit, why does that Samantha Ronson get all the hot chicks...?

I suppose I could overlook this behavior, though. I mean, viewed from a different perspective, it’s just an example of an attractive young lady stuffing unnatural things into her orifices; I’m on record as a fan of that sort of thing. And from an aesthetic point of view –given the state of British dentistry’s art– it’s just lucky she can’t wedge the grille from a ’76 Jaguar in there.

So okay, tight-bodied daughter of celeb royalty who will inherit more money than Jesus in a few years… I will consent to be your mancubine. Now, introduce me to Uncle Keith; I hear he has some awesome eyeball stories.

  1. Besides, grandma likes it rough.
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7 Reasons Daniel Tosh Is Full Of It

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdjuxO87zUU

He says that is the Most Perfect Internet Video Ever. What a fucking tool. Sure, I’ll grant that it’s decent, but Most Perfect? Hells no! It’s just going through the motions, man. There’s no passion, no hunger. It’s the internet video version of Rocky if he hadn’t taken the extra time for a training montage.

  1. When the old man is peanut buttering his nerps, why does it seem like just another day for him? Is he so jaded by Skippy Nipples that he can’t muster even a hint of a satisfied smile? And who uses a stainless steel knife for ritualistic food fetish activities? Fucking poseur.

  2. The fat kid is a little more on his game, but not by much. Note how lazy he is about tonguing his finger, how little effort goes into circling the tip as if were the clitoris he knows his mouth will never touch. And at no point does he even try to use his teeth to pick the leftovers out from under his fingernail! Ten bucks says that’s not even a real fat kid; probably a trained midget in a fat kid suit.

  3. Skateboard Urine Tosser is the exact opposite of the fat kid… completely over the top, and out of touch with the reality of his character. For example, this is a guy who made a decision to pee in a bottle and go skateboarding with it. What’s his motivation? Is he just looking to cover someone in piss and flour, or is it something deeper and more profound? I know that every time I urinate on a random stranger, there’s an underlying reason.  (Usually has to do with my erection and long waits at the post office, but I’m just spitballing here.)

  4. Freaky Cute Asian girl is perfect. Too perfect. I smell tranny… which, if you’re not familiar,  smells a lot like Jessica Simpson crossed with a jock strap. Also, she should be driving a Power Wheels Corvette, not a full-sized SUV. Details count, Tosh.

  5. I get the sense that Godzilla isn’t really into getting freaked by two black guys. Not surprising, since lizards are all about their paychecks, and I’ve heard that their rates drop if they do interracial.

  6. I don’t buy Daniel getting punched in the testicles, largely because I don’t buy that Daniel has testicles.  With that said, watch who’s there and who isn’t at this point in the clip: midget present, fat kid gone. I’ll take my $10 now, thanks.

  7. Boobs With Baby works hard to sell her role –I’ll give her that, along with a taste of my wang–  and her tits are more righteous than a preacher on Sunday. But there’s really only two ways you go with Baby On Fire: drunk, scabby, white-trash chick smoking two Marlboros at once while breastfeeding from her 120-proof udders, or Latina teen mom making a booty shaking video whose ass bumps a table and dumps a birthday cake full of lit candles on the baby sleeping in the background. Anything else just reads false.

Better luck next time, Danny boy. For what it’s worth, if you want to see something closer to perfect, try this:

If there’s a flaw there, I can’t find it.

The 5 Worst Vaginal Security Systems

Throughout human history, mankind has used the penis as a tool of terror and subjugation.1 “Rape and pillage” isn’t a euphemism, after all… for thousands of years, violating (or abducting and then violating) the enemy’s women was an essential component of war’s waging. Particularly in ancient cultures (or some of the primitive ones we still have around today), there was no better way to ethnically cleanse a region or win hearts-and-minds among the conquered than to pump the losing side full of sperm and wait for it to bear a generation of kids who looked like the winners. With fewer logistical headaches than mass enslavement and more orgasms than you generally get from genocide, rape was a go-to, post-victory approach to managing the vanquished.

Rome's founding legends include something called The Rape of the Sabine Women, wherein Romulus and his buddies got tired of buggering each other and decided to steal themselves some chicks from a neighboring clan. After executing a plan full of lies, kidnapping, and brandished weaponry, the captured women "voluntarily" married Roman men, in much the same way that I "voluntarily" pay taxes and wear pants in public.

And so, for thousands of years, with the feminine love-tunnel constantly under siege by testosteronic forces, there has been a cottage industry centered around methods of protecting a woman’s baby bungalow from breaking-and-entering.

For the most part, this industry’s efforts have not worked out so well.

  • Vagina Dentata
    That’s Latin for “cooch teeth”, but the idea it represents is older than a single language… probably older than the written word. And it’s pretty much pan-cultural; just about anywhere you look in the world,  there are legends and warnings about it. The stories range from the plain ol’ “crotch-pocket with a toothy smile” to the more exotic: some Native American tribes believed that vaginas could have rabid dog heads or man-eating piranhas tucked up inside them, for example.

    Apparently, right around the same time some dude came up with the idea to use his penis as a fleshy shillelagh on any woman who got too close, some unidentified soul started spreading stories that snatches were packing bicuspids. It makes for an interesting approach to addressing an issue, and at least there’s a chance that an actual woman came up with the core idea; historically speaking, women haven’t had much say in calling vag-related plays, whether on offense or defense.

    Unfortunately
    … there are two immediate problems with using vagina dentata stories as a defense mechanism. First, some enterprising dudes decided to subvert such tales into heroic challenges; in many cases, the guy who could finally fuck up the scary-but-beautiful woman’s groin-grill by pulling her nether-teeth would win her hand in marriage or some other lucrative prize. Yeah, that surprised me too… as it turns out, men were willing to risk destroying their junk on a lark even before YouTube was invented.

    Second, well… turns out, the odd woman here and there actually does have a tooth or three lining her pleasure pouch. Thanks to disturbing little medical nightmares called dermoid cysts, those super-flexible embryonic stem cells that people are always fighting over can clump together in unexpected places and start growing wholly unwelcome body parts, such as teeth. Sadly, as a real phenomenon, women tend to be even more horrified by it than the intended targets, and are subsequently reluctant to claim sisterhood in such a biting sorority. Which doesn’t make sense to me; I mean, if my penis had teeth, I’d paint racing stripes on it and show it off at the bar for $5 a peek. Maybe I’m the weird one.2

  • Chastity Belts
    Easily the dumbest idea in the history of sexual oppression, these things were straight fucked up, yo. What’s your best-case scenario when you slap one on your wife? Musty, rusty crotch, that’s what. It’s like a scorched earth policy for poon tang… in order to keep anyone else from hittin’ that, I will attach a device to my woman’s moist, fertile ladybits and ensure that once I take it off again, it won’t have much appeal to me, either. Genius!

    Some say chastity belts were invented by the Crusaders, who knew they were going to be at war for many years, and needed a way to keep the ladies back home on lockdown. If true, this suggests the Hugh Hefner of medieval Europe was undoubtedly a locksmith. And very, very tired.

    Others insist they came along later, and didn’t really find extensive appeal until the Victorian era, when doctors tried convincing their patients that masturbation and pre-marital sex were leading directly to all sorts of illness and mental disorder. Basically, they were trying to protect the vagina-bearer from herself. Talk about your brilliant scams.

    “Why, yes, I can help your daughter with her strange and unnatural desire to hump her own hand or the apple farmer across the way! Just let me take her into a private room and fit her for this anti-diddling device, and then come back every week or so to examine her extensively, and your nubile offspring will be 100% satisfaction-free. Hm? What? Oh, this lump in my pants? That’s, ah… where I keep my medical instruments.”

    Of course, we still have chastity belts today, as the stainless steel model (pictured above) demonstrates; the chief differences being the (presumably) consensual, kinky applications and superior build quality. Still leaves me wondering one thing, though: who wants to have less access to vajayjay? I spent all of my adolescence and a decent chunk of adulthood trying to get First National Pussy & Loan to open that lane for my deposits, and the very last thing I want is someone giving the teller the day off.

    Or in the immortal words of the Georgia Satellites: “I don’t care if it’s wrong or it’s right/I just wanna know if that thing is open all night”.

  • Attack Condoms
    Above is a photo of the Rape-aXe, yet another example of modern marketing’s love affair with randomly cApiTaliZed wOrdS.  The Rape-aXe is inserted into the vagina like a tampon, where it waits… like a spiky, plastic gargoyle on the edge of a really cheap-looking gothic building… it waits. To be precise, it waits for some stupid bastard to stick his wang into it, at which point, the sharp little prongs that line its inner surface dig into the shaft and hold on in a manner that might best be described as “ouchy”.

    The idea is painfully simple: dude sticks his shank where it doesn’t belong, the Rape-aXe latches on, and two theoretical things happen. (1) The attacker is so startled that the victim has a chance to run away, and (2) the attacker is now marked as such, since there’s no way to get the thing off without medical attention. When someone wanders into an ER with a Rape-aXe giving his schlong a stabby little hug, there will be immediate grounds for suspicion of a crime. Or suspicion of some really odd masturbatory habits, I suppose.

    It’s honestly not a horrible idea, but there are significant limitations. For instance, given that it doesn’t look particularly comfortable for anyone involved, the only time a woman is going to insert the Rape-aXe is when she’s planning to be raped. While there are (sadly) regions of the world where women are forced to take such possibilities into daily account, it’s obviously not going to be of much help in marginally more civilized places.

    The bigger –and potentially fatal– flaw of the Rape-aXe is that it isn’t an axe. It isn’t going to chop off anyone’s prick, and if handled properly, won’t even cause significant damage. And see, among the things I know and understand about those of my sex is this: if you’re going to try to do something unpleasant to a man’s junk, do it with gusto. ‘Cause if you don’t put him down on the first try, he’s going to take offense. Serious, crazy-eyed, Viking berserker-type offense. At which point a really bad situation just got worse.

    This raises the question: “So, why not make the thing do something more?” Enter stage left: one Jaap Haumann, a 70-something from South Africa. He invented a female condom containing a spring-loaded blade; push anything deep enough into the device, the blade is triggered, and SNIKT! Your penis is suddenly a convertible.

    For reasons of generally spine-chilling creepiness and unease, Haumann’s design has never made it past the development stage.

  • Sticking A Gun In It
    You might say this sounds dangerous. You would be right. But I have noticed in my travels and travails that this earthly realm has no shortage of complete fucktards willing to do things that make about as much sense as Bob Dylan, James Brown and Vinny’s Uncle Nino having a conversation about celestial mechanics.

    In 2006, Victoria Lundy was arrested for driving on a suspended license after police found her fleeing the scene of a shots-fired call. They took her back to the cop-shop, patted her down, and stuffed her into a cell. A few minutes later, yet another shot rang out, this time coming from the detention area. Turns out, Victoria had stashed a loaded gun in her Super Golden Crisp, kept it hidden from the police, extracted it successfully once she was alone, and only then managed to accidentally fire it into the ceiling while attempting to hide it under a toilet paper dispenser. She’s lucky she didn’t give herself the world’s most radical hysterectomy.

    Despite Vickie’s near-success, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that putting a loaded gun in your box is never a good idea. Unless you’re a woman who has a dermoid cyst that has inexplicably grown into a functional trigger finger, in which case, I say have at it, Calamity Jane.

  • Weaponized Yeast Infection
    Pros: Appears to take out the target permanently, thus limiting recidivism. Element of surprise should not be underestimated. Continues to work after death, ensuring vengeance for the victim.

    Cons: Messy clean up.  Smells like the inside of a goat’s ass. Curiously slow and short-range. Seems to be ineffective against anyone capable of standing up and walking away. Easily defeated by arch-enemy, Monistat.

  1. In contrast, I use mine as a tool of pleasure and occasional drain cleaning.
  2. I’m not.

The Link Parts Are… Cheesy! (featuring Alison Brie)

Mad Men continues to be a critical darling, and my beloved Community is back this week for season two. But the big news in Alison Brie Land? According to her Twitter, she ate a salt & vinegar cricket and picked up some limited edition designer condoms during Fashion Week in NYC. Meanwhile, my week's high point was figuring out that if I fart loud enough, the dog pisses himself and runs into the wall. It's like we're living two halves of the same life.

  • Garbled Audio on FOX NewsDBSTalk – Dish Network Forum
    “My audio on FOX News channel has been garbled for around 20-30 minutes.” Dude, that’s how it’s supposed to sound.
  • RipCord Music Player Could be a Lifesaver148Apps
    A very cool iPhone app designed to help locate female joggers who have been attacked. Or elderly power-walkers who are having a heart attack. Or your ten year-old nephew who wants to scare the living shit out of the entire family (In the latter case, I suggest installing iBeatThatKidsAss Pro.)
  • C.H.I.M.P. Rearview Monitor Mirror Eliminates Office SurprisesLifehacker
    Never again worry that your wife/mother/pastor/guard is going to walk in and catch you “assaulting the summit” to online tranny porn.
  • Katy Perry won the VMAsWWTDD?
    Who knew Katy was racist against moon men?
  • Wife Kills Husband over PornLuke Is Back
    I hope he was beating off to some kind of all-girl lesbian action, ’cause given what she has to look forward to in prison, that would be awesomely ironic.
  • Words Of Wisdom of the DayThe Daily What
    I don’t really know who is more deserving of being herded on to a rocket and launched into the sun, Bieber fans or Twilight fans. Y’know what? Let’s just build a bigger rocket.

Clare Grant: There’s More To Seth Green’s Wife Than Lightsaber Nipples (NSFW)

Let’s be very clear about something: I resent Seth Green. First, there’s the obvious: he made Without A Paddle, for which he will endure a well-deserved season in hell. I’m also bitter about his talent, since I firmly believe hairless Ewoks should stick to playing in trees and stop making the rest of us feel bad for under-achieving despite our robust height and relatively massive genitalia. But most significantly, I resent him for marrying Clare Grant; in a world that contains an available –and given his hair and her skin, color-coordinated– Snooki, why poach the good chicks? It’s just rude, is what I’m saying.

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I've got a Facebook friend with a nearly identical head shot. Ah, Hollywood... a land where women never have right ears.

And believe me, I would marry Clare Grant in his place. She’s distinctively gorgeous, has ridiculously hypnotic eyes, and is completely unashamed of her busy genre-sploitation acting career. Hell, from what I can see, she actively embraces it. That implies the sort of down-to-earthiness that would appreciate my sense of whimsy1 and tendency to cry after sex.2

My impotent rage and potent sexuality aside, this is where I point out that the delightful Clare has been in the dorknews of late because she rounded up some sexy friends and Chris Griffin’s less-suave alter-ego to make this video:

Now, in general, I’m not a geek-girl sycophant; these days, we’re supposed to fall all over ourselves the second a pretty lady confesses her love for Alan Moore, but I’m not havin’ it. Why the fuck would anyone act like this is a big deal? Alan Moore is a batshit-crazy genius, and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t appreciate his work. I’m not going to give you extra Life Points for simply resisting the urge to let your physical beauty overwhelm your good taste.

Life Objective #4,287: Somehow convince Clare to wear this outfit while making me a sandwich. Life Objective #4,288: Get Katy Perry to wear the same thing while feeding me the sandwich. Life Objective #4,289: Talk to a shrink about why my fantasies involve sandwiches rather than my penis playing "Destroy the Death Star" with Clare's cervix.

But I do award Life Points for brazenly being who you are, having fun with it, and not making excuses. That is hot, in oh-so-many ways. And by that standard, Clare’s score is about to roll over like the odometer in a 1972 Duster.

Someone has excellent posture. Also, boobs. And a skilled aesthetician, by the look of things.

Interesting side-note: despite the Geek Girls video’s popularity, I believe people are missing out on the real gem in her online filmography:

That’s just art, that is.

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Yeah, fuck you, Green; you're the Billy Joel of poultry-oriented android shows, and one day you'll get yours. Which, if history is any indication, will involve lots of money and hot babes. So... fuck you twice!

Oh, and Clare, seriously love… have you delved deeply into your beau’s oeuvre?3 I’m just puttin’ it out there; this is how your offspring will turn out:

So do us all a favor: if you’re determined to stay with him, at least keep Seth as far from your womb as possible. (I’ve got some really tiny crime scene tape if you’d like to borrow it.) And if you absolutely must turn to a young star of Can’t Buy Me Love to ruin this majestic perfection:

…at least give Patrick Dempsey a call. Worst case scenario, your kid will wait until he’s thirty, and then turn into a stud.

follow Clare: @claregrant
Clare’s website: ClareGrant.com
The Devil’s Taint: @sethgreen

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  1. “Whimsy” is what broke people rely upon when they want to take a vacation but can’t afford to leave the back yard.
  2. I’m just so good at it, I feel like I need to weep in gratitude.
  3. And if so, what kind of lubricant did you use?
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Natalia Paris Likes Bikinis & Apparently Watches Lots of Porn (NSFW)

Natalia Paris - Puerto Gaitan

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Natalia Paris is a Colombian bikini model. In fact, from what I can tell, she’s pretty much the bikini model, as far as Colombians are concerned. And here, I must bow to the wisdom –and potential national rage– of said Colombians… she fills out a two-piece as well as anyone on the planet, and I don’t need any mustachioed men from Medellin showing up at my door, ready to do to me what OJ said they did to Nicole.1

Among the many impressive bits about Natalia is that she’s not a teeny-bopper… mamacita is pushin’ 40, and pushin’ it well. I guess she’s not technically ready to be a cougar, but she’s a viable ocelot.

(Educational Note: In Colombia, the ocelot is known as a tigrillo, probably because it sounds like something you can smoke. Crazy-ass Colombians… there’s probably no part of their flora or fauna that they haven’t tried to smoke, snort, or sip.)

A bit off-topic here, but if I haven’t done it lately, I would just like to thank the universe for DailyMotion. Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in half the videos on DM, but at least they don’t quake in fear at the sight of tits and ass the way those repressed nerds at YouTube do. Depressing to think that the French are more American than America.

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But back to the ass at hand. For reasons not entirely clear, Natalia made a video wherein she gives a teddy bear an around the world. And I don’t know about you, but it feels awesome just to write that sentence.

There are some days that the web just makes me happy.

Oh, and check out Natalia on her Facebook fan page and her site.

teddy humpin’ via: Egotastic

  1. I believe absolutely, positively, 100% of everything OJ says. If I don’t, the fucker might stab me.