Tag Archives: twitter

Katy Perry Has Not Been Kidnapped. Or So They Say.

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IN THIS PHOTO: Singer-songwriter Katy Perry, looking more disheartened than a single mother who just woke up on Christmas morning to the news that her son has given her daughter a bladder infection.

I know the official story is that Russell Brand posted this photo to Twitter, and then quickly deleted it. But what if it’s bigger than that? Looks to me like she’s been taken hostage. Seriously, she could only look more like a kidnap victim if she were holding today’s newspaper in her teeth.

After what happened last summer between BP and the U.S., could this be part of some broader escalation of tensions, where an insane British fop kidnaps our nation’s single biggest source of deep-water cleavage? Is he going to demand continued drilling rights, or will he settle for exclusive motor-boating privileges?

Jesus, foreign relations can be intense!

50 Cent: Just Like Sarah Palin

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You know what I like about Fiddy?

He's a feminist icon, just like Sarah Palin.

He's inclusive, just like Mel Gibson.

He believes in family, just like Jon Gosselin.

He's a relationship expert, just like Dr. Phil.

But the best thing about him?

He tweets and drives, just like Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon.

Nice Tweets: Saint Coco Blesses The Multitudes (NSFW)

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Check out @cocosworld on Twitter

I’m not 100% sure what I’m looking at in this photo. It could be booty model (and bride of Ice-T) Coco getting her tan on. It could be what was waiting for a subsequently really happy Richard Dreyfus inside the alien’s ship at the end of Close Encounters of the Third Kind. It could be the Creator of the Universe, given how many times I’ve said “oh my fucking God” while looking at it. (And if so, kudos on that ass, Lord.)

But there is one thing that is absolutely certain about this shot: it is awesome. Check out more of Coco’s tweetstuff below.

(via Coco’s Twitter)

Friday’s Links Are… Hypoallergenic!

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091118-lungs-amphibian-worm-caecilian_170Lungless Worms: one more thing I didn’t need to know existed – NatGeo News http://bit.ly/1FMDc6
Aside from looking like the Play-Doh snakes we used to make in second grade, this is just disturbing. Well, okay… what’s really disturbing is that my pal Billy’s Play-Doh snakes had mushroom heads, and he always named them “Uncle John”. Weird kid.

Ron Burgandy overpaid? Never! – Forbes.com http://bit.ly/3CdVuz
By the testes of Hercules! Yes, I will concede that at least 75% of everything Will Farrell turns out is straight-up awful. (I’m looking at you, Will Farrell’s kids.) But the one-two punch of Anchorman and Talladega Nights would alone justify giving him half of the 2009 stimulus package. Just think how many people he could employ if he just kept cranking out movies full of delightfully dumb guys… in my home town alone, he would completely wipe out unemployment!

No videogames back then, so they must have blamed stickball for these murders – CNN.com http://bit.ly/1aQxKn
Fascinating factoids about Howard Unruh, who became America’s first mass murdering nutjob in 1949: (1) His last name reads like the sound you make when someone gets kicked in the nads. (2) During his rampage, Howard killed a shoemaker, making him our first mass murderer and the last guy to see an actual, living shoemaker. (3) A witness said of Unruh’s return from WWII that “He’s not right. … He just came back a little different.” Which is cool, because it makes it sound like Germany had a lot in common with Pet Semetary… Nazi zombies rule!

As excuses go, “I’m allergic to your spunk” is at least better than “I have a headache.” | The Daily Telegraph http://bit.ly/2ZzMdG
A couple uses condoms for the first two years of their relationship, and then go bareback on their wedding night… only to discover that his semen gives her blisters.Which makes her the sad, childless lady and him the awesome dude with lava spooge.

Nice Tweets: @kayden_kross

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Twitter is a transformative technology that allows individuals to project their ideas and experiences into the mediastream without the filter of conventional journalism. Unlike traditional blogging, it is immediate and demands an economical use of words that doesn’t punish non-writers. Unlike Facebook, it is targeted broadcasting, without the mutual “friending” and two-way awareness implied in such systems.

It is also where hot people hang out, posting hot shit.

Our first entry in Nice Tweets is porn star Kayden Kross, who is probably the most articulate on-camera person working in her industry. (Which sounds like standard, condescending “no, seriously, she’s bright!” bullshit, but is nonetheless true.) She doesn’t do much in terms of candid photo posting or yakking about sex, but if you’re into witty chicks who look like this:

Kayden Kross bra panties blond

…then she’s a winner.

Unfortunately, Kayden isn’t into me, which means she has no one to help look after her ambiguously-sexed and routinely destructive rabbit, Sammy, nor a loyal helper to give her the kind of foot-rubs that didn’t get Tony Rocky Horror thrown out Marcellus Wallace’s window. The woman is a reckless fool who will rue the day she ignored my plaintive requests to worship her body and soul. Yes indeed, she shall be enrued!

Here’s a random sampling of KK’s tweetstream:

Another mainstream set and they just had to explain to the other girls what POV means. Porn has prepared me for the world.

I’m trying to convince my sister that boys’ feelings should be left as intact as you found them. I’m sensing an air of disbelief.

@brettholz I’ve found that the only way to get my number anymore is to fuck me first. It’s how I weed out the sales calls (:

First text I got this morning: “OMG I just watched you pee in HD”. we’re off to a good start.

I think I melted a dildo. Don’t leave those things in the sun. Same goes for wax candles. This is my domestic advice.

The Adult Video News Awards At Mandalay Bay - Arrivals

Quickly learning that the problem with dark sunglasses is it’s that much harder to communicate to chatty strangers that you’re ignoring them

I’m reading American Gods. A hooker just ate a man with her vagina. Now I’m not going to be able to put it down until I find out why.

For the record- monkfish liver tastes like wet cat food. Just keep that in mind next time you get adventurous at the sushi bar.

I just realized everyone asked how I know what wet cat food tastes like… I took double dog dares very seriously as a child…

The photographer is making me play with switchblades. This must be the bad gut feeling that everyone tells me to listen to.