Ladies, have you ever found yourself stuck with a man who seemed disinterested, distracted, or ungrateful? Are you frustrated by his emotional distance, his conflation of “sex” and “love”, or his tendency to Dutch Oven you every time he eats tacos? Do his friends piss in your rose bushes? Do they molest your cat?

Well, you may not have any of those problems much longer. Thanks to continuing advances in Hot Pockets technology and a new device called RealTouch, men may lose interest in you entirely.

Since I was a boy, I dreamed of one day getting to hump a robot. If they can teach this thing to scream "Danger, Will Robinson!" when I climax, I'll die a happy man-child.

See, guys plug the RealTouch into their computers’ USB ports, and then plug their junk into the RealTouch. Next, they rent specially encoded pornos from the RealTouch service, which send commands to the device that tell it when and how to simulate the on-screen action. If someone’s schlong is getting gobbled in the video, the RealTouch will give its owner the same sensation. If Bree Olson whines about how wet she’s getting on the audio track, the RealTouch will juice up accordingly. And when Kristina Rose‘s backdoor is being plowed by some dude with penile elephantitis, the RealToucher will feel every snug inch of her adorable poop-chute cuddling his wang.

Trust me, girls: birthday BJs that end with you spitting into a tissue just aren’t gonna be able to compete.

I love the use of perspective and the juxtaposition of sterile technology and the organic filth of the catbox in this self-portrait by @kristinarosexxx. Also, her sweet ass.

The RealTouch works its magic via a pair of soft, ribbed belts powered by tiny electric motors, a heating unit, and an auto-dispensing reservoir of lube. The belts move in diffferent directions and at different speeds depending on input from the video, giving the user the experience of varied positions and levels of intensity. Although in fairness, if you’re watching a Tantric video and the performers are doing a Forward-Facing Dingo Greeting Dawn, the device’s engineering may not be fully up to the task.

Compare and contrast, students.

I’ll leave you with this video of a RealTouch spokesperson pitching it at a trade show. Behold the mechanism that will lead you into a new life of lesbianism, shorties.