Are you lonely? Sexually frustrated? Has life let you down? Are you at the point where you can see yourself fucking a Pringles can full of cleaning supplies? If so, then here’s a photographic walkthrough for constructing your own disembodied vagina. With just a few minutes of effort and the complete eradication of every last molecule of pride, you too can be humping away at something that looks like a boxer’s left ear wrapped in a condom.
Or you could just buy a Fleshlight, which offers a number of significant advantages over the DIY approach to doing yourself:
- No embarrassing questions from the housekeeper about why you’ve named her sponges “Lola” and “Trixie”.
- Slightly decreased chance that you’ll experience unwanted erections at work when the janitor walks by.
- Jaundice isn’t a good look for genitals.
- Psychologically speaking, it’s only a short stroll from screwing a homemade cleanser-cooter in your kitchen to raping Elmo in the toy aisle at Walmart.
- Bareback, baby!
Plus, Fleshlights are molded from the cockpits of porn stars:
(Hat tip to John, who has to make his custom fuck-puppets out of old sofa cushions and a 55 gallon drum.)