The Link Parts Are… Handy! (featuring Holly Madison)

I'm proud of Holly Madison. I mean, she seems to be managing her post-Hef life well enough, at least on a professional level. She's got a nice gig going in Vegas, and unlike Kendra or the Shannon Twins, has yet to appear in a poorly-shot video where some dork uses her face to babysit his liquid kids. Given the alternatives, Holly looks like a paragon of class and sophistication, which isn't easy with fake boobs.

  • Segway company owner dies riding two-wheeled machine off cliffTelegraph
    Now, see, that’s just awful. Why couldn’t he have owned a dildo company?
  • Warrants Further AssessmentPenny Arcade
    Actually, I’d be totally okay with cutting out the middle-MAN, thanks.
  • Limbless Frenchman swims across ChannelTelegraph
    Oh, big man! I’m so impressed! Y’know what I can do? Zip my own fly! (Damned disableds, comin’ to this country and takin’ all our jerbs…)
  • Guy Builds Real-Life Rob Liefeld GunOccasional Superheroine
    First question: where is the ballistic gel dummy? You don’t test a homemade weapon without a ballistic gel dummy! (Or at least a spare cousin you don’t need.) First observation: That can’t be a Liefeld gun, ’cause the proportions all make sense and it doesn’t have boobs coming out of its armpit.
  • DUDE WHACKS OFF TO A SHITTY MAGAZINE WHILE SHOPPING FOR TOYS! HA!PopPorn (NSFW)
    I don’t condone doing this in the toy aisle, but I understand the frustration. After a while, you start to feel like there’s no public shopping venue where you can really beat off satisfactorily. I’ve tried the dressing room at The Gap… didn’t work out so well. Did you know there are actually people in there, trying on clothes or something? Once that first jizz salvo hits Aunt Shaunie’s eyelid, everything turns into a big fucking deal.

Mark McGwire Spills It

On January 11th, 2010, record-breaking homerun hitter Mark McGwire finally admitted to what we’ve all known for years: steroids had absolutely no effect on his game in any way, and he continued taking them throughout the 1990s solely because he needed to shrink his nuts so they could fit comfortably between his gargantuan thigh muscles.

When asked if he could have shattered Roger Maris’ record without the help of pasteurized horse semen (or whatever steroids are made of), Big Mac put down his needle and replied:

I truly believe so. I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.

In expounding upon this theme, he immediately revealed even more shocking secrets:

I truly believe I was given the gifts from the Man Upstairs of being a home run hitter…

To help the casual reader understand what this means, I offer the following diagram:

Artist's conception of Mr. McGwire's implied living conditions in the 1990s. No wascally wabbits were harmed.