Tag Archives: spencer pratt

The Karissa Shannon Mystery Deepens (NSFW)

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It’s been non-stop for a few months now: everywhere I look, there’s Karissa Shannon in a bikini, Karissa Shannon letting her boyfriend expose her boob on the red carpet, Karissa Shannon flashing everyone an upskirt, Karissa Shannon pretending to be in a sex tape with Heidi Montag, Karissa Shannon really making a sex tape with the aforementioned boyfriend, or Karissa Shannon studying for her PhD. (Not everyone knows this, but it’s simply a coincidence that Karissa studying looks strikingly like Karissa on all fours with her ass jacked up in the fashion of an under-aged Thai prostitute outside a naval base during shore-leave.)

Know what I haven’t seen? Kristina Shannon. Where the fuck is the other Shannon twin? I have no answers, but I do have theories.

  • THE MURDER SWITCHEROO: Geena & Sunny Han were smoking hot twin sisters, co-valedictorians in high school, and thoroughly messed up by their mother. Geena was jealous of Sunny –who was marginally, precariously more successful– and eventually decided to kill her and assume Sunny’s identity. This did not work out so well, given that Geena was that really dumb sort of smart, where you assume even your bad ideas are okay, ’cause you’re so much brighter than everyone else. It’s possible that Karissa has attempted this with Kristina, although it’s worth pointing out that Karissa and Kristina aren’t as identical as Geena and Sunny, and, well, Karissa is actually the dumb sort of dumb, where you have a bad idea, giggle, and then get really sleepy. PLAUSIBILITY: 10%

  • THE LOHAN MANEUVER: Was there only one Shannon to begin with, and it was all just a trick… like The Parent Trap, where Lindsay Lohan played dual roles as twins? Granted, it’s a little different, since Karissa isn’t a herpes-ridden ginger… she’s a natural brunette. But if you think about it, with Photoshop and CG, you could fool a lotta people. And at this point in his life, you could fool Hef with a blow-up doll and a handful of hard candy. An alternate version of this theory posits that Karissa/Kristina are two personalities inhabiting the same body, locked in an eternal struggle for control over the host vagina. Having seen the vagina in question, I could definitely understand going all Highlander over it. PLAUSIBILITY: 15%

  • THE CANNIBALISTIC SUPERVILLAIN OPTION: In the womb, a twin will sometimes die and be absorbed by the survivor, a really gross thing that doctors call Vanishing Twin Syndrome.1 What those fancy-pants doctors won’t tell you is that the surviving half of a VTS case also absorbs the other’s soul, giving her unspeakable power over time and space, along with enhanced senses and an overwhelming compulsion to spin around in circles shouting “Can you see up my dress?” (Which, as it turns out, imbues her with unspeakable power over penises.) It’s possible that Karissa has sacrificed Kristina on the altar of some dark god, in an attempt to reabsorb the other half of her sexiness. It could happen; it’s gotta be cheaper than a boob job. PLAUSIBILITY: 20%

  • THE TRIBAL-BIMBO TRANSPLANT: It may be no coincidence that Karissa’s ascendence as Publicly Visible Twin coincides roughly with the unveiling of the 2010 Montag Convertible.  The Yoruba people of southwestern Nigeria believe that twins are sacred, and if one dies, its soul must be transferred into a tree, from which a totemic figurine is carved and kept as part of the family. What if Kristina simply died as the result of an accidental semen overdose, and lacking a handy tree, Karissa used ancient African rituals to transfer her sisters’ mind and soul into the nearest inanimate, semi-organic object: Heidi. This would also totally explain Heidi’s emerging fascination with crystals and her hasty separation from The Douche That Walks Like A Man. PLAUSIBILITY: ALMOST DEFINITELY CERTAIN%

Like I said, I have no answers here, only questions and a scrotum made of kevlar. But I think it’s important that we always probe the darkness for the Light of Truth, even if we occasionally stick our hands in the Icky Stuff of Doubt in the process. It’s the least we owe Kristina Shannon.2

NOTE: Some might argue that this photo of the twins making out --taken last month at one of Hef's parties-- debunks my entire "Kristina Shannon has been mystically bound within the form of a big-titted mannequin from LA at the hands of her sorceress sister" theory from the get-go. And you might be right, but I'm way too high to care right now.

  1. You really don’t want to click that link. Or maybe you do, sicko. ↩
  2. Well, technically, I owe her for a half a bag of weed and a blowjob she gave me behind a 7-11 a couple years ago. But you only owe her the search for truth thing. ↩

Spencer Pratt Is America’s Last Line of Cyber Defense

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Folks, we are all fucking doomed.

In the last few months I have discovered a new passion and new purpose to my life. With this in mind, I have decided to take a break from my obligations to MTV’s The Hills and discontinue filming any more episodes for this current season.

Upon learning of President Obama’s declaration that the “cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,” I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges.

My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.

–Spencer to People.com

I just–! There’s so much–! Should… have sent… a poet…

  • “I have discovered” that my wife has gone batshit insane.
  • With this move, Spencer has blazed a dramatic and vital trail. Next up: the cast of Big Bang Theory goes to work for the Department of Defense!
  • Please note that Spencer’s “full resources” amount to a half-carton of smokes and a Ziploc of Heidi’s pubes that he was saving for a rainy day.
  • Do yourself a favor and check out the American Defense Enterprises’ blog. Yes, these folks are just one Pratt away from saving the world.

FYI, I did a little digging for you guys, and managed to unearth Spencer’s to-do list for bolstering America’s tech infrastructure:

  1. Find out what a “Google” is. (Sounds Muslim… check that out.)
  2. Take the Windows and Mac guys out to lunch and see if we can’t work things out.
  3. Also, get Windows guy laid, he could totally use it.
  4. Tila Tequila de-friended me on Myspace. Bitch gonna pay.
  5. Write computer virus that crawls the web, deleting any instance of the word “douche” in proximity to my name. With 100% of machines infected, should only take 7.2 years for deletions to finish.
  6. Send phishing email to Osama bin Laden, get his Facebook password.
  7. While I’m thinking of Facebook… assassinate the next person who asks me to help tend their Farmville crops. Fuck your collectivist farm, commie!
  8. Start an online petition to make Twitter change its name to something less gay.
  9. Kidnap Al Gore, force him to turn over the keycodes that control the climate control computers that he had built under the Smokey Mountains. (Alternate idea: hold him hostage, and tell the Internet I’ll kill its daddy if it doesn’t give me a billion dollars.)
  10. Solve the problems in the Middle East by convincing Israelis and Palestinians to move the Gaza Strip into World of Warcraft and unite against the Horde.

I feel so much safer now.

It All Adds Up: Heidi Montag Replaces Spencer

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Heidi 1.0: Looked natural and really rather cute. I guess if you wanted to pick her apart, you could have found superficial flaws. Of course, if you picked her apart these days, all you'd find is hopelessness and some doctor's lost surgical glove.

So after five years, a couple television shows, a record number of staged, “candid” paparazzi photos, and enough silicone to caulk half the windows in the Chrysler Building, Spencer Pratt is out as Heidi Montag’s manager. He gets to keep the “husband” job title for now, but what’s that get him? Outside of her (presumably) OEM vagina, Heidi is pretty much a stitched-together batch of “Quality Recertified” after-market parts that could fall off if you blink too quickly in her vicinity.

Heidi 2.0: Not quite as pretty as the original, but waaaaaaaay sluttier. Which is what we in the business call "a fair trade". (FYI: what I call "we in the business" amounts to me, my hand, and a microwaved bottle of Jurgens.)

But the ousting of America’s Favorite Douchetard isn’t the real story here. (Although that may change once someone scores photos of him in line at the unemployment office.) No, the intriguing bit is the identity of Spencer’s replacement: “third generation healer and intuitive”, Aiden Chase. Oh, hells yeah! Heidi is now being managed by a psychic! Let the fun begin!

Heidi 3.0: Now looking strikingly like a Madame Tussauds version of Shannon Tweed circa 1984, Montag is a Frankensteinian monument to obsessive self-loathing and the triumph of stupidity over technology. I just knew she was good for something!

But don’t worry, any random and rather sad fans of Heidi Montag who happen to be reading this for some masochistic reason… this Chase dude (whose name I am sure is totally not made up) is going to be a great influence on your girl! Why, just look at the entirely level-headed and insightful stuff he has to say about himself:

Aiden Chase: Starmaker

I am a channel for healing energy. Together we connect to the light healing force of love. Although this sounds mysterious or religious, it is neither. It is a very straightforward process that involves the cleansing, rebalancing, and recalibrating of your energy field.

…

Joining and participating with us on every healing are the angelic forces of light and love, healing and protection; ancient Native American spirit healers; your ancestors and passed-on family who choose to help guide us in your healing.

Hm. First of all, Aiden m’boy… no, this sounds neither mysterious nor religious. It sounds more like something you read in the How To Pillage The Checking Accounts of Wealthy Morons Handbook, Hollywood Revised Edition.

Second, which of my fucking ancestors won’t choose to help in healing?! I want names! Those corpsefied shitheels better pitch in PDQ, ’cause I’ve got a full bladder and a map to their graves! This includes you, Great Aunt Marie… that plate of cookies you gave me in 1974 don’t mean shit when it’s time for you to team up with a psychic to magically cure my untreatable cock cancer!

I also like this bit:

All religious beliefs are welcomed and acknowledged. All faiths are truly about love and love is healing.

…which proves what I’ve always known in my heart: Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing should be played during all church services. It’d certainly go a long way toward getting me to attend.

Oh, and check out the scary-eyed grin on this guy:

He looks like Judge Reinhold in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. I dunno about you, but that’s a face I can trust! And given that he charges upwards of $3,000/month for a couple visits and a handful of telephone consultations, giving him a percentage of total earnings probably means he’ll vajazzle Heidi with Loving Angel Crystals and transfer the power of his Inner Soul Star to them via the repeated daily application of his 1/64th Ancient Native American tongue. What a bargain!

Anyhoo… my money says it was this bright bulb who convinced her to go through with her latest batch of wholly pointless, hotness-defacing surgeries. Say what you will about Pratt, but he knows that all he really needed to keep his meal-ticket client relevant was the original boob job… anything more is just unnecessary downtime that could be better used earning daddy some dollas.

Heidi 4.0: C'mon... you know it's gonna happen.

In closing, if I haven’t mentioned it lately: thank you, LA, for providing me my daily recommended allowance of Absolute Fucking Insanity.

Kristin Cavallari Is Wise Beyond Measure

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The second hottest girl from Laguna Beach (sorry, Kristin, but Jessica had the innocent face/sinful body combo working for her) is not only taking over The Hills this season… she’s also branching out into free advice.

Okay, I take everything back. Fuck Jessica. Simply having the idea of flashing sphincter is enough to push Kristin over the top. Hell, it may just put her in the running for Greatest Person In The World.

kristin cavallari white bikini

I mean, sure, that Mother Teresa chick was working with lepers and everything in Calcutta, but c’mon… we’re talking butthole! If every little girl grew up to be just like MT, all we would have is half a planet of  sharing, compassionate, and selflessly dedicated women with the sex drive of water chestnuts.  If they all grew up to be like Kristin, hey, check it:

  1. The thong industry would replace the oil business as the most lucrative and vital part of the economy. (The Lycra shortage of 2031 will be a major bitch, though.)
  2. Patriarchy? Kiss it good-bye. Kristinettes would get what they want from men every time, and if they didn’t, oh, they would be so dunzo!
  3. Formerly inane conversations would instantly become interesting, particularly when viewed from across the street with a long lens.
  4. Speaking of that… following hot chicks around with cameras and lingering lovingly over their every move would stop being creepy and become a viable, mainstream lifestyle.
  5. Our new national anthem? More Bounce In California.
  6. Lauren Conrad would be forced to work as a Walmart greeter. In hell. Or Mexico, whichever is worse.
  7. National past-time? Out: baseball. In: marathon mani-pedis. (Loss of work for Dominicans more than compensated for by the boom in Korean employment.)
  8. All personal squabbles would be settled by heartfelt-yet-monosyllabic discussions in front of ocean backdrops or at night overlooking Los Angeles. (People in landlocked areas simply no longer allowed to argue.)
  9. Absolutely no one would appear to do any work at all, and yet somehow things would still seem to get done.
  10. We would have an end to racism due to the L’Oreal Act, which would mandate dye jobs and spray tans for everyone.

Let it happen, people. Take Saint Kristin of Orange County into your hearts. Love her. What’s the worst that could happen?

Kristin Cavalleri wall

UPDATE: Says here that the worst is “Spencer Pratt appointed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, issues ruling confirming Douche Rights.” Okay then… nevermind.