Tag Archives: sexy

Mayra Leal hiding behind a pillar with a gun

Mayra Leal Watch 2011: El Gallo & Solus

She keeps her built-in cellphone charger under her skirt this time, but Machete‘s unheralded MVP is back to deliver all the drug-addicted prostitution action you can handle. (If you’re me, that’s a lot. FYI.)

I figured it was time to check in on my favorite nude assassin/murderous home-wrecker, and I’ve discovered that the delightful Mayra Leal is in a new miniseries entitled El Gallo. If my Spanish is holding up, I believe “El Gallo” either refers to a large cat or a beloved purveyor of fine boxed wines.

(Please note that my Spanish teacher was one S. Gonzales, the fastest stereotype in all Meh-hee-coh.)

If there were ever any question about me watching this thing, it was answered when the trailer informed me that I could expect ACTION, COMEDY, VIOLENCE, FANTASY, ROMANCE, and LUST. I mean, those are like the six essential food groups of being awesome! The only way they could possibly improve on the formula would be with a monkey in a track suit and a space ninja. Bonus points were deducted for featuring a character named Charro who doesn’t have giant ’70s Love Boat boobs, but I will beneficently restore said points as a reward for that guy Pepe, whose insanely evil grin looks like a latino Joker taking a covert shit in the passenger seat of the Batmobile.

Next I found the trailer for her upcoming movie, Solus, which I think is a kind of mash-up of City of Angels, Requiem For A Dream, and something that would co-star Shannon Tweed if this were 1993. It’s also educational, since I had no idea that hookers strung out on heroin look anything like Mayra… clearly ladies, it’s time to skip the GTL and start chasing that dragon! Yes, there may be the occasional back alley panty-ripping, and you may get spit on by some guy with a goatee, but a handsome man (who I strongly suspect is an angel in the service of an angry God) will take  your scantily-clad silhouette in his arms and carry you off somewhere less rapey.

I concede it’s a rather roundabout approach to love and personal fulfillment, but at least you’ll be skinny! And isn’t that what really counts?

In other Mayra-centric news: a fight scene in another of her new flicks has her training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, a deadly martial art accidentally developed by 14th century Incas after exposure to a time-traveling Chuck Norris during one of Bill & Ted’s Decidedly Less Excellent Adventures. (Machu Picchu? That thing was totally a strip mall before Keanu Reeves burned down The Gap.)

So if you were thinking about pissing her off, I’d suggest you give the Deadly Hands of Leal Fu a pass and go hassle one of the Teen Moms. Those bitches can’t fight for shit.

Who Is David Beckham?: Career Opportunities

I know very little about this fellow, despite his seeming ubiquity in pop culture. He’s an odd chap, though, based upon what I can infer from photographs and other scraps of information I have compiled in the course of my incredibly negligent and half-hearted research.

First, I think his primary career path is “bisexual pornstar”. Note the hairless torso, the alarmingly formidable lump in his dainty panties, and the intense-yet-oddly-vacant gaze which suggests in no uncertain terms that he’s about to be deliciously violated for $800 and all the Astroglide he can carry.

David Beckam black underwear armani

"No, I totally trust you, Tom! It's just, well, I thought we'd wait until Vickie and Katie got here. I-- never mind, just be gentle. Hail Xenu."

Here’s an example of one of his erotic adventures. To be honest, I can’t hazard a guess as to what the title’s “It” might be, but I hope for the sake of all involved that the bending in question was both profitable and pleasant.

Bend It Like Beckham DVD cover

Despite his extensive sexualization, it also seems that he’s only recently hit a long-delayed puberty. I know that I frequently found myself in this position soon after discovering the joys of handling the hammer.

"Who's the best wang in the world? Who is? Yes your are! You are!"

"It's like staring into the eye of God... in my pants!"

Just for the sake of those of you who might be confused:

I’ll continue to investigate Mr. Beckham further and report on my findings periodically. I already feel as if this strange man is a part of my family. The part no one talks about and kind of shuns, of course, but family all the same.