Pictured: Julianne Hough laughs light-heartedly as she shows off her favorite holiday gift: a fully-articulated, fully-closeted, 1/3 scale action figure made entirely of money and spray-tan juice.
Jesus, what does that bedroom scene look like? In my mind’s eye, I envision some perverted Tim Burton nightmare where a rich hobbit with a grudge against Brian Dunkleman is running circles around a naked ballerina in a cowboy hat. What I enhear in my mind’s ear is this:
RS: “Baby, can I get a little tonight?”
JH: “I’m having my period.”
RS: “Ew. And irrelevant for my purposes.”
JH: “Fine, I’ll get the lube. But I’m not wearing the hair shirt tonight.”
RS: “You totally have to. It’s James Franco night!”
JH: “When do we get to have ‘fuck the sexy dancer’ night?”
RS: “As soon as you bring home your brother.”
Aaaaand… scene. Here’s a video you’ll watch with the volume turned down:
Scott Brown shows off his Public Option in Cosmopolitan magazine, 1982. Sweet hairy Jesus...! By my calculations, after twenty-eight years of growth, dude must be packing a rain-forest in his jock.
Scott “The 41st Sexy Vote Against Health Care Reform” Brown won Teddy “Never Met A Liver He Couldn’t Destroy” Kennedy’s old Senate seat a couple days ago. Democrats everywhere are groaning because they now have to actually negotiate to get things done, and Republicans are rejoicing because Caribou Barbie suddenly has a matching Ken to go with the 2012 White House Playset.
Personally, as a leading member of the underground shadow government that really runs the U.S. of A.,[1] I don’t usually care who wins these quaint little “elections” that get you people all worked up. But I do care about Mr. Brown’s offer to improve my physical and mental health while still opposing Obamacare.
Studies have shown that sex improves a man’s cardiovascular health, prolongs life, elevates mood, and forces him to air out his bedroom once in a while. Senator-Elect Brown knows this, and thus has offered all of us the sweet asses of his daughters as a substitute for insurance reform.
I think I speak for all of us when I say that an erection in every Underoo is really change I can believe in. (Today is Iron Man, if you must know.)
Pimp Daddy shows off the goods. (Dibs on the smaller one with the bewbs!)
If the giantess on the left looks familiar, that’s ’cause she’s Ayla Brown, who came in 13th in the fifth season of American Idol. Meaning that, yes, there’s an excellent chance that her skin and Simon Cowell’s semen have been in close proximity. Of course, anyone who’s ever been kissed on the cheek by Ryan Seacrest has probably been touched by Cowell’s seed, so that’s not entirely her fault.
Here's Ayla again, nicknamed "Daddy's Little Pitbull" by the press. Countdown 'til she squeezes out some embarrassing puppies... starting... NOW!
[1] You ever noticed how everywhere you go, there are always workmen tearing up the roads and rebuilding overpasses, and yet the streets still seem to stay pothole-ridden and clogged with traffic? That was me, fuckin’ witcha.
