Are you lonely? Sexually frustrated? Has life let you down? Are you at the point where you can see yourself fucking a Pringles can full of cleaning supplies? If so, then here’s a photographic walkthrough for constructing your own disembodied vagina. With just a few minutes of effort and the complete eradication of every last molecule of pride, you too can be humping away at something that looks like a boxer’s left ear wrapped in a condom.
Or you could just buy a Fleshlight, which offers a number of significant advantages over the DIY approach to doing yourself:
No embarrassing questions from the housekeeper about why you’ve named her sponges “Lola” and “Trixie”.
Slightly decreased chance that you’ll experience unwanted erections at work when the janitor walks by.
Jaundice isn’t a good look for genitals.
Psychologically speaking, it’s only a short stroll from screwing a homemade cleanser-cooter in your kitchen to raping Elmo in the toy aisle at Walmart.
Plus, Fleshlights are molded from the cockpits of porn stars:
Tori Black: one of those classic, too-pretty-for-porn girls who go ahead and do porn anyway. It's like if Stephen Hawking said "fuck it" and went to work as a high school physics teacher. Only with more anal.
Jenna Haze demonstrates what it would be like if she had an albino conjoined twin that was made entirely of pussy and asshole. Kinda like my dad.
I adore Teagan Pressley, but I don't care for her tat sleeve. I mean, she's quite lovely and adorable, until that one time you glance down and it looks like you're getting a hand-job from Dave Navarro. No one but Perry Farrell wants that.
In case you didn't get enough of Riley Steele in Piranha 3D, now you can take her Fleshlight down to the lake and pretend you found some bits the fish didn't want. You sick fucker.
(Hat tip to John, who has to make his custom fuck-puppets out of old sofa cushions and a 55 gallon drum.)
Richard Dreyfuss –who has clearly decided that movies about killer fish is a niche he needs to cultivate– is in the new Piranha 3D, but that’s not really important. What’s important is Riley Steele. It may not be a thespian tour de force like Dreyfuss in Moon Over Parador, but I expect Riley’s non-pornular role in P3D to thoroughly satisfy the part of my brain that enjoys watching improbably hot, soaked chicks get eaten. Which, interestingly enough, is the same part of my brain that likes watching Riley in her day job. And on Twitter:
Riley Steele, owner of the best ass and second-most celebrated set of boobs in Piranha 3D, demonstrates the much-loved Waist-Twisting, Booty-Popping, Underwear-Malfunctioning Twitpic Pose. Now if only medical science can find a way to fix that hand growing out of her armpit, she'll be perfect.
If I were an agent in Hollywood –and I should be, since taking 10% of someone else’s income for doing absolutely nothing sounds right up my alley– I’d spend all my time in Porn Valley, recruiting talent for mainstream movies. Pornstars are perfect for today’s entertainment business. Think about it.
Seriously, Riley... you're gonna throw your back out. On the upside, you'll be the hottest person at the chiropractor.
No P.R. worries. Your client makes a sex tape? Just smile and negotiate the marketing rights. Your client flashes her cooch on the red carpet? Congratulate her on the artistic choice to avoid panties. Your client is spotted stumbling drunk out of an L.A. nightclub and getting finger-banged in the back seat of a BMW by Justin Bieber? Hire a team of bodyguards to protect her from the inevitable teen girl commando units that will be hunting her, and get back to your golf game.
Tolerance for shitty working conditions. Yeah, Kate Winslet went through hell making Titanic, floating in a giant tank of water for months while James Cameron made sure her heart would go on… but did she get even a single load of spooge in her eyeball? I think not. Was she slapped in the face with a penis as big as a baby’s arm? Leo wishes. Did anyone pee on her? Not directly, but a pool’s a pool, man.
They’re pretty. Seriously, you can hire Kristen Stewart, who can’t act and looks like a pale, angry pixie with a stubborn yeast infection, or you can hire a porn girl, who may or may not be able to act, but will be fucking gorgeous and won’t even blink when you spend half the shooting schedule getting nothing but ass and cleavage footage.
Riley's ass speaks the truth. And that's for reals, yo.
Hell, even standing still and trying to smile while a legion of brain-dead paparazzi shout at her isn’t vaguely the most annoying thing a porn chick has to endure during her workday. After all, what’s the only thing that smells worse than a Albanian paparazzo sweltering in the sun for four hours? Well, how do you think Seymore Butts smells?
Anyhoo… back to Riley and Piranha. Here she is in an Oscar promotion for the movie; I don’t think this campaign will actually make it more likely to win an Academy Award, but between Riley, Jessica Szohr, and Kelly Brook, the chances of me taking off my pants in front of the computer just went up to 100%.
And you’ll also find a flash of her in this here trailer for Pirates II, a porno that brags about how expensive it was to make. Which makes sense, given that porn doesn’t usually require a big outlay on costumes.
In closing, I hope you’ll all join me in wishing Riley the best of luck with her mainstream career, her porn career, and (marrymeriley) anything (iloveyouriley) else (iwanttowearyourvaginalikeaskimaskriley) that might subliminally occur to her.
We don’t normally cover movies here on WCBPB, for two reasons:
Watching a movie requires some sort of cognitive function unimpeded by rampaging lust or the sweet oblivion of chemical intoxication. So right there, I’m in trouble. Dumb, horny, and drunk might make for a great sorority sister, but it’ll make you one serious shit-stain of a film afficianado.
People in movies pretend to get drunk and have sex. They’re just liars, man. Except Charlie Sheen, of course, who by my standards is the greatest actor of all time. If there was a trophy for fabled Hollywood poon-hounds, Charlie would win it and then try to have sex with it. Speaking of which, you just know that the year Platoon came out, the little golden Oscar guy went into a deep depression when Charlie wasn’t nominated. Oscar was still in the closet then, but there were rumors. He even tried it once with Emmy, just as a test, but it was gross and awkward. Also, she totally takes that fucking ball of hers everywhere she goes, and it fell off the bed right in the middle and broke his concentration, which was, y’know, the last thing he needed right then. She apologized after, and they laughed about it, but she always knew. She knew.
However, exceptions can be made for this:
Riley Steele motorboating Kelly Brook? Check. Heels and a bikini on a boat? Check. People, this is one suggestively-held bottle of beer away from being completely awesome.
Right there, I know Piranha 3D will be a monument to cinema’s greatness. I mean, let’s set aside what is perhaps the most cheese-tastic talent line-up ever (Elizabeth Shue, Jerry O’Connell, Christopher Lloyd, a just-for-the-fuck-of-it Richard Dreyfuss, Dina Meyer, Steve McQueen’s grandson, and pornstar Riley Steele… what, no Carrot Top?); if random candid photos from the set look this fun, the movie itself is going to deliver more entertainment value than the UPS guy accidentally dropping off a crate of Indonesian prostitutes at David Duchovny’s house.
(Two tips for David: First, Téa will never look under the couch. Second, after thousands of miles and many days in a musty wooden box, spray a little Febreze on your prostitutes, just to keep them fresh.)