Heidi 1.0: Looked natural and really rather cute. I guess if you wanted to pick her apart, you could have found superficial flaws. Of course, if you picked her apart these days, all you'd find is hopelessness and some doctor's lost surgical glove.
So after five years, a couple television shows, a record number of staged, “candid” paparazzi photos, and enough silicone to caulk half the windows in the Chrysler Building, Spencer Pratt is out as Heidi Montag’s manager. He gets to keep the “husband” job title for now, but what’s that get him? Outside of her (presumably) OEM vagina, Heidi is pretty much a stitched-together batch of “Quality Recertified” after-market parts that could fall off if you blink too quickly in her vicinity.
Heidi 2.0: Not quite as pretty as the original, but waaaaaaaay sluttier. Which is what we in the business call "a fair trade". (FYI: what I call "we in the business" amounts to me, my hand, and a microwaved bottle of Jurgens.)
But the ousting of America’s Favorite Douchetard isn’t the real story here. (Although that may change once someone scores photos of him in line at the unemployment office.) No, the intriguing bit is the identity of Spencer’s replacement: “third generation healer and intuitive”, Aiden Chase. Oh, hells yeah! Heidi is now being managed by a psychic! Let the fun begin!
Heidi 3.0: Now looking strikingly like a Madame Tussauds version of Shannon Tweed circa 1984, Montag is a Frankensteinian monument to obsessive self-loathing and the triumph of stupidity over technology. I just knew she was good for something!
But don’t worry, any random and rather sad fans of Heidi Montag who happen to be reading this for some masochistic reason… this Chase dude (whose name I am sure is totally not made up) is going to be a great influence on your girl! Why, just look at the entirely level-headed and insightful stuff he has to say about himself:
Aiden Chase: Starmaker
I am a channel for healing energy. Together we connect to the light healing force of love. Although this sounds mysterious or religious, it is neither. It is a very straightforward process that involves the cleansing, rebalancing, and recalibrating of your energy field.
…
Joining and participating with us on every healing are the angelic forces of light and love, healing and protection; ancient Native American spirit healers; your ancestors and passed-on family who choose to help guide us in your healing.
Hm. First of all, Aiden m’boy… no, this sounds neither mysterious nor religious. It sounds more like something you read in the How To Pillage The Checking Accounts of Wealthy Morons Handbook, Hollywood Revised Edition.
Second, which of my fucking ancestors won’t choose to help in healing?! I want names! Those corpsefied shitheels better pitch in PDQ, ’cause I’ve got a full bladder and a map to their graves! This includes you, Great Aunt Marie… that plate of cookies you gave me in 1974 don’t mean shit when it’s time for you to team up with a psychic to magically cure my untreatable cock cancer!
I also like this bit:
All religious beliefs are welcomed and acknowledged. All faiths are truly about love and love is healing.
…which proves what I’ve always known in my heart: Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing should be played during all church services. It’d certainly go a long way toward getting me to attend.
Oh, and check out the scary-eyed grin on this guy:
He looks like Judge Reinhold in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. I dunno about you, but that’s a face I can trust! And given that he charges upwards of $3,000/month for a couple visits and a handful of telephone consultations, giving him a percentage of total earnings probably means he’ll vajazzle Heidi with Loving Angel Crystals and transfer the power of his Inner Soul Star to them via the repeated daily application of his 1/64th Ancient Native American tongue. What a bargain!
Anyhoo… my money says it was this bright bulb who convinced her to go through with her latest batch of wholly pointless, hotness-defacing surgeries. Say what you will about Pratt, but he knows that all he really needed to keep his meal-ticket client relevant was the original boob job… anything more is just unnecessary downtime that could be better used earning daddy some dollas.
Heidi 4.0: C'mon... you know it's gonna happen.
In closing, if I haven’t mentioned it lately: thank you, LA, for providing me my daily recommended allowance of Absolute Fucking Insanity.