Tag Archives: porn

home made fleshlight

Roll-Your-Own Fleshlight, Lose-Your-Own Dignity (NSFW)

Are you lonely? Sexually frustrated? Has life let you down? Are you at the point where you can see yourself fucking a Pringles can full of cleaning supplies? If so, then here’s a photographic walkthrough for constructing your own disembodied vagina. With just a few minutes of effort and the complete eradication of every last molecule of pride, you too can be humping away at something that looks like a boxer’s left ear wrapped in a condom.

Or you could just buy a Fleshlight, which offers a number of significant advantages over the DIY approach to doing yourself:

  1. No embarrassing questions from the housekeeper about why you’ve named her sponges “Lola” and “Trixie”.
  2. Slightly decreased chance that you’ll experience unwanted erections at work when the janitor walks by.
  3. Jaundice isn’t a good look for genitals.
  4. Psychologically speaking, it’s only a short stroll from screwing a homemade cleanser-cooter in your kitchen to raping Elmo in the toy aisle at Walmart.
  5. Bareback, baby!

Plus, Fleshlights are molded from the cockpits of porn stars:

Tori Black: one of those classic, too-pretty-for-porn girls who go ahead and do porn anyway. It's like if Stephen Hawking said "fuck it" and went to work as a high school physics teacher. Only with more anal.

Jenna Haze demonstrates what it would be like if she had an albino conjoined twin that was made entirely of pussy and asshole. Kinda like my dad.

I adore Teagan Pressley, but I don't care for her tat sleeve. I mean, she's quite lovely and adorable, until that one time you glance down and it looks like you're getting a hand-job from Dave Navarro. No one but Perry Farrell wants that.

In case you didn't get enough of Riley Steele in Piranha 3D, now you can take her Fleshlight down to the lake and pretend you found some bits the fish didn't want. You sick fucker.

(Hat tip to John, who has to make his custom fuck-puppets out of old sofa cushions and a 55 gallon drum.)

The Link Parts Are… Cheesy! (featuring Alison Brie)

Mad Men continues to be a critical darling, and my beloved Community is back this week for season two. But the big news in Alison Brie Land? According to her Twitter, she ate a salt & vinegar cricket and picked up some limited edition designer condoms during Fashion Week in NYC. Meanwhile, my week's high point was figuring out that if I fart loud enough, the dog pisses himself and runs into the wall. It's like we're living two halves of the same life.

  • Garbled Audio on FOX NewsDBSTalk – Dish Network Forum
    “My audio on FOX News channel has been garbled for around 20-30 minutes.” Dude, that’s how it’s supposed to sound.
  • RipCord Music Player Could be a Lifesaver148Apps
    A very cool iPhone app designed to help locate female joggers who have been attacked. Or elderly power-walkers who are having a heart attack. Or your ten year-old nephew who wants to scare the living shit out of the entire family (In the latter case, I suggest installing iBeatThatKidsAss Pro.)
  • C.H.I.M.P. Rearview Monitor Mirror Eliminates Office SurprisesLifehacker
    Never again worry that your wife/mother/pastor/guard is going to walk in and catch you “assaulting the summit” to online tranny porn.
  • Katy Perry won the VMAsWWTDD?
    Who knew Katy was racist against moon men?
  • Wife Kills Husband over PornLuke Is Back
    I hope he was beating off to some kind of all-girl lesbian action, ’cause given what she has to look forward to in prison, that would be awesomely ironic.
  • Words Of Wisdom of the DayThe Daily What
    I don’t really know who is more deserving of being herded on to a rocket and launched into the sun, Bieber fans or Twilight fans. Y’know what? Let’s just build a bigger rocket.

Kristina Rose: My New(d) Cleaning Lady (NSFW)

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If you’ve spent any time around here, you’ve probably seen photos of Kristina Rose. I adore her. Super much. She is just… she’s tops, man. The best. A Rose by any other name would smell like feet. And this is why:

She's a porn chick who is gorgeous-and-yet-phenomenally filthy. She's gorgilthy.

She spends almost all of her free time high on ganja. Seriously. If she's not working, her Twitter status will usually feature the words "smoking up now".

She has kewl friends, many of them naked.

She's a funny little thing. Maybe it's the pot, but she always seems to be either laughing or trying to make someone else laugh. (Okay, yeah, it's probably the pot.)

One of the most expressive faces on earth, doth she possess.

She's a healthy eater.

She gives spectacular Twitpic. 'Nuff said.

In one of her movies, she's out for Santa's blood when he puts her on his Naughty List. (Her crime? Blowing the drive-through guy in exchange for a super-size on her value meal. Her defense? "Duh, it's a recession.") In the process of seeking vengeance, she physically assaults a female elf at the North Pole by first choking said elf and then beating up her butt cheeks. As plots go, that beats The Expendables.

She collects gnomes and wears funky socks.

And now we have a hip-hop video from King Fantastic, wherein she demonstrates her cleaning skills.

I’m tellin’ ya, if she could poop Xbox games, she’d be perfect. Follow Kristina Rose on Twitter.

hat tip: Audioporn Central

Disney Truth: Belle & Ariel Explain Life To Young Girls

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Yeah, that’s about right. But even righter are J. Scott Campbell’s renditions of various Disney princesses:

Oh, and here’s a non-Disney princess –Slave Leia– just because.

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Buy This Stuff:


Lost Girls Hardcover Edition
In which Alan Moore –author of Watchmen, From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen– deconstructs fairy tale starlets Wendy (of Peter Pan), Alice (of Wonderland), and Dorothy (of Kansas and Oz) through the most hyper-literate, arty pornography you’re ever likely to see. This is your one chance to read real, honest-to-God porno and still claim you’re broadening your intellectual horizons.

Riley Steele Is Much Sexier Than Richard Dreyfuss

Richard Dreyfuss –who has clearly decided that movies about killer fish is a niche he needs to cultivate– is in the new Piranha 3D, but that’s not really important. What’s important is Riley Steele. It may not be a thespian tour de force like Dreyfuss in Moon Over Parador, but I expect Riley’s non-pornular role in P3D to thoroughly satisfy the part of my brain that enjoys watching improbably hot, soaked chicks get eaten. Which, interestingly enough, is the same part of my brain that likes watching Riley in her day job. And on Twitter:

Riley Steele, owner of the best ass and second-most celebrated set of boobs in Piranha 3D, demonstrates the much-loved Waist-Twisting, Booty-Popping, Underwear-Malfunctioning Twitpic Pose. Now if only medical science can find a way to fix that hand growing out of her armpit, she'll be perfect.

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If I were an agent in Hollywood –and I should be, since taking 10% of someone else’s income for doing absolutely nothing sounds right up my alley– I’d spend all my time in Porn Valley, recruiting talent for mainstream movies. Pornstars are perfect for today’s entertainment business. Think about it.

Seriously, Riley... you're gonna throw your back out. On the upside, you'll be the hottest person at the chiropractor.

  • No P.R. worries. Your client makes a sex tape? Just smile and negotiate the marketing rights. Your client flashes her cooch on the red carpet? Congratulate her on the artistic choice to avoid panties. Your client is spotted stumbling drunk out of an L.A. nightclub and getting finger-banged in the back seat of a BMW by Justin Bieber? Hire a team of bodyguards to protect her from the inevitable teen girl commando units that will be hunting her, and get back to your golf game.
  • Tolerance for shitty working conditions. Yeah, Kate Winslet went through hell making Titanic, floating in a giant tank of water for months while James Cameron made sure her heart would go on… but did she get even a single load of spooge in her eyeball? I think not. Was she slapped in the face with a penis as big as a baby’s arm? Leo wishes. Did anyone pee on her? Not directly, but a pool’s a pool, man.
  • They’re pretty. Seriously, you can hire Kristen Stewart, who can’t act and looks like a pale, angry pixie with a stubborn yeast infection, or you can hire a porn girl, who may or may not be able to act, but will be fucking gorgeous and won’t even blink when you spend half the shooting schedule getting nothing but ass and cleavage footage.

Riley's ass speaks the truth. And that's for reals, yo.

Hell, even standing still and trying to smile while a legion of brain-dead paparazzi shout at her isn’t vaguely the most annoying thing a porn chick has to endure during her workday. After all, what’s the only thing that smells worse than a Albanian paparazzo sweltering in the sun for four hours? Well, how do you think Seymore Butts smells?

Anyhoo… back to Riley and Piranha. Here she is in an Oscar promotion for the movie; I don’t think this campaign will actually make it more likely to win an Academy Award, but between Riley, Jessica Szohr, and Kelly Brook, the chances of me taking off my pants in front of the computer just went up to 100%.

And you’ll also find a flash of her in this here trailer for Pirates II, a porno that brags about how expensive it was to make. Which makes sense, given that porn doesn’t usually require a big outlay on costumes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FOP5k5MVHM

In closing, I hope you’ll all join me in wishing Riley the best of luck with her mainstream career, her porn career, and (marrymeriley) anything (iloveyouriley) else (iwanttowearyourvaginalikeaskimaskriley) that might subliminally occur to her.


Piranha [Roger Corman's Cult Classics]


Moon Over Parador


Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge (Rated R)

Women Will Soon Be Obsolete: RealTouch (NSFW)

Ladies, have you ever found yourself stuck with a man who seemed disinterested, distracted, or ungrateful? Are you frustrated by his emotional distance, his conflation of “sex” and “love”, or his tendency to Dutch Oven you every time he eats tacos? Do his friends piss in your rose bushes? Do they molest your cat?

Well, you may not have any of those problems much longer. Thanks to continuing advances in Hot Pockets technology and a new device called RealTouch, men may lose interest in you entirely.

Sniff. Ever since I was a boy, I've dreamed of one day getting to hump a robot. If they teach this thing to scream "Danger, Will Robinson!" when I climax, I'll day a happy man-child.

Since I was a boy, I dreamed of one day getting to hump a robot. If they can teach this thing to scream "Danger, Will Robinson!" when I climax, I'll die a happy man-child.

See, guys plug the RealTouch into their computers’ USB ports, and then plug their junk into the RealTouch. Next, they rent specially encoded pornos from the RealTouch service, which send commands to the device that tell it when and how to simulate the on-screen action. If someone’s schlong is getting gobbled in the video, the RealTouch will give its owner the same sensation. If Bree Olson whines about how wet she’s getting on the audio track, the RealTouch will juice up accordingly. And when Kristina Rose‘s backdoor is being plowed by some dude with penile elephantitis, the RealToucher will feel every snug inch of her adorable poop-chute cuddling his wang.

Trust me, girls: birthday BJs that end with you spitting into a tissue just aren’t gonna be able to compete.

I love the use of perspective in this self-portrait by @kristinarosexxx. Also, her ass.

I love the use of perspective and the juxtaposition of sterile technology and the organic filth of the catbox in this self-portrait by @kristinarosexxx. Also, her sweet ass.

The RealTouch works its magic via a pair of soft, ribbed belts powered by tiny electric motors, a heating unit, and an auto-dispensing reservoir of lube. The belts move in diffferent directions and at different speeds depending on input from the video, giving the user the experience of varied positions and levels of intensity. Although in fairness, if you’re watching a Tantric video and the performers are doing a Forward-Facing Dingo Greeting Dawn, the device’s engineering may not be fully up to the task.

Which one is more complicated? Which one is easier to take apart and clean? Hm? HM?! Damn straight.

Compare and contrast, students.

I’ll leave you with this video of a RealTouch spokesperson pitching it at a trade show. Behold the mechanism that will lead you into a new life of lesbianism, shorties.

Monday’s Links Are… Obscene!

skipping-rape

Tuesday’s Links Are… Gamey!

blizzcon1_cosplay003

Who Is David Beckham?: Career Opportunities

I know very little about this fellow, despite his seeming ubiquity in pop culture. He’s an odd chap, though, based upon what I can infer from photographs and other scraps of information I have compiled in the course of my incredibly negligent and half-hearted research.

First, I think his primary career path is “bisexual pornstar”. Note the hairless torso, the alarmingly formidable lump in his dainty panties, and the intense-yet-oddly-vacant gaze which suggests in no uncertain terms that he’s about to be deliciously violated for $800 and all the Astroglide he can carry.

David Beckam black underwear armani

"No, I totally trust you, Tom! It's just, well, I thought we'd wait until Vickie and Katie got here. I-- never mind, just be gentle. Hail Xenu."

Here’s an example of one of his erotic adventures. To be honest, I can’t hazard a guess as to what the title’s “It” might be, but I hope for the sake of all involved that the bending in question was both profitable and pleasant.

Bend It Like Beckham DVD cover

Despite his extensive sexualization, it also seems that he’s only recently hit a long-delayed puberty. I know that I frequently found myself in this position soon after discovering the joys of handling the hammer.

"Who's the best wang in the world? Who is? Yes your are! You are!"

"It's like staring into the eye of God... in my pants!"

Just for the sake of those of you who might be confused:

I’ll continue to investigate Mr. Beckham further and report on my findings periodically. I already feel as if this strange man is a part of my family. The part no one talks about and kind of shuns, of course, but family all the same.

Nice Tweets: @kayden_kross

Twitter is a transformative technology that allows individuals to project their ideas and experiences into the mediastream without the filter of conventional journalism. Unlike traditional blogging, it is immediate and demands an economical use of words that doesn’t punish non-writers. Unlike Facebook, it is targeted broadcasting, without the mutual “friending” and two-way awareness implied in such systems.

It is also where hot people hang out, posting hot shit.

Our first entry in Nice Tweets is porn star Kayden Kross, who is probably the most articulate on-camera person working in her industry. (Which sounds like standard, condescending “no, seriously, she’s bright!” bullshit, but is nonetheless true.) She doesn’t do much in terms of candid photo posting or yakking about sex, but if you’re into witty chicks who look like this:

Kayden Kross bra panties blond

…then she’s a winner.

Unfortunately, Kayden isn’t into me, which means she has no one to help look after her ambiguously-sexed and routinely destructive rabbit, Sammy, nor a loyal helper to give her the kind of foot-rubs that didn’t get Tony Rocky Horror thrown out Marcellus Wallace’s window. The woman is a reckless fool who will rue the day she ignored my plaintive requests to worship her body and soul. Yes indeed, she shall be enrued!

Here’s a random sampling of KK’s tweetstream:

Another mainstream set and they just had to explain to the other girls what POV means. Porn has prepared me for the world.

I’m trying to convince my sister that boys’ feelings should be left as intact as you found them. I’m sensing an air of disbelief.

@brettholz I’ve found that the only way to get my number anymore is to fuck me first. It’s how I weed out the sales calls (:

First text I got this morning: “OMG I just watched you pee in HD”. we’re off to a good start.

I think I melted a dildo. Don’t leave those things in the sun. Same goes for wax candles. This is my domestic advice.

The Adult Video News Awards At Mandalay Bay - Arrivals

Quickly learning that the problem with dark sunglasses is it’s that much harder to communicate to chatty strangers that you’re ignoring them

I’m reading American Gods. A hooker just ate a man with her vagina. Now I’m not going to be able to put it down until I find out why.

For the record- monkfish liver tastes like wet cat food. Just keep that in mind next time you get adventurous at the sushi bar.

I just realized everyone asked how I know what wet cat food tastes like… I took double dog dares very seriously as a child…

The photographer is making me play with switchblades. This must be the bad gut feeling that everyone tells me to listen to.