Are you lonely? Sexually frustrated? Has life let you down? Are you at the point where you can see yourself fucking a Pringles can full of cleaning supplies? If so, then here’s a photographic walkthrough for constructing your own disembodied vagina. With just a few minutes of effort and the complete eradication of every last molecule of pride, you too can be humping away at something that looks like a boxer’s left ear wrapped in a condom.
Or you could just buy a Fleshlight, which offers a number of significant advantages over the DIY approach to doing yourself:
- No embarrassing questions from the housekeeper about why you’ve named her sponges “Lola” and “Trixie”.
- Slightly decreased chance that you’ll experience unwanted erections at work when the janitor walks by.
- Jaundice isn’t a good look for genitals.
- Psychologically speaking, it’s only a short stroll from screwing a homemade cleanser-cooter in your kitchen to raping Elmo in the toy aisle at Walmart.
- Bareback, baby!
Plus, Fleshlights are molded from the cockpits of porn stars:
Tori Black: one of those classic, too-pretty-for-porn girls who go ahead and do porn anyway. It's like if Stephen Hawking said "fuck it" and went to work as a high school physics teacher. Only with more anal.
Jenna Haze demonstrates what it would be like if she had an albino conjoined twin that was made entirely of pussy and asshole. Kinda like my dad.
I adore Teagan Pressley, but I don't care for her tat sleeve. I mean, she's quite lovely and adorable, until that one time you glance down and it looks like you're getting a hand-job from Dave Navarro. No one but Perry Farrell wants that.
In case you didn't get enough of Riley Steele in Piranha 3D, now you can take her Fleshlight down to the lake and pretend you found some bits the fish didn't want. You sick fucker.
(Hat tip to John, who has to make his custom fuck-puppets out of old sofa cushions and a 55 gallon drum.)
THE MURDER SWITCHEROO: Geena & Sunny Han were smoking hot twin sisters, co-valedictorians in high school, and thoroughly messed up by their mother. Geena was jealous of Sunny –who was marginally, precariously more successful– and eventually 
THE LOHAN MANEUVER: Was there only one Shannon to begin with, and it was all just a trick… like The Parent Trap, where Lindsay Lohan played dual roles as twins? Granted, it’s a little different, since Karissa isn’t a herpes-ridden ginger… she’s a natural brunette. But if you think about it, with Photoshop and CG, you could fool a lotta people. And at this point in his life, you could fool Hef with a blow-up doll and a handful of hard candy. An alternate version of this theory posits that Karissa/Kristina are two personalities inhabiting the same body, locked in an eternal struggle for control over the host vagina. Having seen the vagina in question, I could definitely understand going all Highlander over it. PLAUSIBILITY: 15%
THE CANNIBALISTIC SUPERVILLAIN OPTION: In the womb, a twin will sometimes die and be absorbed by the survivor, a really gross thing that doctors call 
THE TRIBAL-BIMBO TRANSPLANT: It may be no coincidence that Karissa’s ascendence as Publicly Visible Twin coincides roughly with the unveiling of the 2010 Montag Convertible. The Yoruba people of southwestern Nigeria believe that twins are sacred, and if one dies, 
In a move akin to birds not ruling out flying or hobos not ruling out public urination, Audrina made the world a little warmer and fuzzier with her recent statement. 
