Tag Archives: nude

Candice Swanepoel Takes Me On A Naked Jungle Adventure (NSFW)

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One look at a nude Candice Swanepoel, and I’m instantly transported; it’s like she’s a York Peppermint Pattie1, only instead of whisking me away to a frozen, lonely mountaintop, I’m dropped into a humid, Amazonian fuckscape of sensual mystery and malaria nipples. Unfortunately, Russell James’ photography goes the delicately out-of-focus and grainy route, leaving me feeling less a manly, loincloth-shredding, Tarzanian sex beast, and more a lonely, pantsless guy hiding in a tree 100 yards away with a telephoto lens and a moist sock.

Which means he’s captured my essence, really. Way to go, Russell.

Dick.

(via: Hot Celebs)

  1. Please note that –all comparisons of Candy to candy aside– the author recommends against actually biting Ms. Swanepoel without prior, written consent. With that said, I have reason to believe she tastes like happy. ↩

Natalia Paris Likes Bikinis & Apparently Watches Lots of Porn (NSFW)

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Natalia Paris - Puerto Gaitan

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Natalia Paris is a Colombian bikini model. In fact, from what I can tell, she’s pretty much the bikini model, as far as Colombians are concerned. And here, I must bow to the wisdom –and potential national rage– of said Colombians… she fills out a two-piece as well as anyone on the planet, and I don’t need any mustachioed men from Medellin showing up at my door, ready to do to me what OJ said they did to Nicole.1

Among the many impressive bits about Natalia is that she’s not a teeny-bopper… mamacita is pushin’ 40, and pushin’ it well. I guess she’s not technically ready to be a cougar, but she’s a viable ocelot.

(Educational Note: In Colombia, the ocelot is known as a tigrillo, probably because it sounds like something you can smoke. Crazy-ass Colombians… there’s probably no part of their flora or fauna that they haven’t tried to smoke, snort, or sip.)

A bit off-topic here, but if I haven’t done it lately, I would just like to thank the universe for DailyMotion. Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in half the videos on DM, but at least they don’t quake in fear at the sight of tits and ass the way those repressed nerds at YouTube do. Depressing to think that the French are more American than America.

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But back to the ass at hand. For reasons not entirely clear, Natalia made a video wherein she gives a teddy bear an around the world. And I don’t know about you, but it feels awesome just to write that sentence.

There are some days that the web just makes me happy.

Oh, and check out Natalia on her Facebook fan page and her site.

teddy humpin’ via: Egotastic

  1. I believe absolutely, positively, 100% of everything OJ says. If I don’t, the fucker might stab me. ↩

Hermione Way: Red-Hot Mac Lovin’

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Don’t waste your breath telling me this video is a goof, a self-promotional comedy clip produced by a British tech blogger, or anything else. Because ladies and gentlemen (yes, I give my audience too much credit), this is one of those times where I want to believe. I need to think that –somewhere out there– I can one day find a cute girl so emotionally damaged that she has given up on all hope of finding a mature, responsible, warm, and nurturing human lover, and has settled instead on a cold, unfeeling hunk of sexless nothing that can only manage to robotically repeat empty phrases that simulate affection. ‘Cause I was born for that relationship!

Also, I’m pretty sure that –if I strap an empty Mac Pro chassis to my head– she might wear this shirt while we make sterile, hopeless love:

Be mine, Hermione!

All of my best dreams start like this. Only with less microphone, and more buckets of room-temperature Country Crock.

(via TUAW)
(Paul Clarke on Flickr)
(London Nude Tech 2010 calendar)

I’m Suddenly Thirsty

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What the hell is SoBe Lifewater? Aside from an opportunity to drink imperceptibly flavored, corporate-branded water from an environment-choking plastic bottle instead of, y’know, drinking from the fucking tap like a normal person?

"Seriously, you guys? Isn't it at least a little insensitive to drought-stricken people for me to stand hip-deep in free water to promote this bottled sewer piss? Huh? Wait... what d'you mean, 'shut up and look naked'?"

Apparently, it is also an excuse to paint a mermaid bikini on a naked Ashley Greene and wait for the internet to descend into a masturbatory frenzy. Which, on balance, is probably okay, ’cause, well… naked Ashley Greene, right?

Excuse me while my consumerist shame takes a backseat to my sexual desperation. Which is also a sort of shame, when ya think about it, so at least I’m not a total sell-out.