Nicole "Snooki" Pollizzi, seen here serving as the petite meat in an indigestible Douche Sandwich.

America is an amazing place, for many reasons. Primarily for being the home of the Luther Burger, yeah, but we’re cool for other stuff as well. For example, look at the awesome formulae we have developed for becoming famous.

• Give your kid a stupid name guaranteed to get his ass kicked on the playground, and then pretend to lose him in a tragic balloon accident. It’s a stone cold fact that those words don’t even make sense crammed together like that, and yet… FAMOUS!
• Give all your kids stupid names guaranteed to get their asses kicked on the playground, learn how to wink, and prove yourself incapable of answering simple questions such as “what do you read?”… FAMOUS!
• Give yourself a stupid nickname guaranteed to get you punched in the face at a club, hang around with guys who develop tanning bed melanoma as a hobby, and next stop… FAMOUS!

Yes indeed… everyone’s favorite miniature guidette is yet another in a long line of innovators who roam the endless American famescape. And we must treasure her for that. Well, okay, maybe not for that… but for videos like this, shot long before Jersey Shore? Definitely.

I mean, right there, all by itself… that deserves popular acclaim. (I know my wang gave her a standing ovation.) Yeah, some haters will rush to point out that this is an example of Snooki from the Land of Many-Pounds-Ago, but to them I say: “BAH!” As long as she’s still that flexible and slutty, she could swallow an entire vat of Krispy Kreme glaze and I’d go ahead and hit it. In fact, a willingness to swallow vast quantities of glaze might just make her the perfect woman.

If (like me) you’re wondering what exactly caught MTV’s eye and made them enshrine darling Nikky here as an Italian-American institution, it’s worth watching the following video. Shot in 2008, it pretty much serves as a reality TV resume.

And lest you think that she’s just about the part-ay and not matters of intellectual significance, check out this bit of sciency goodness, wherein Dr. Snooki, PhD demonstrates the effect of centrifugal force on enormous jugs:

I love you, Snooki. In a bitter, twisted, verbally abusive way, mind you… but I figure you’re up for it, baby.