Tag Archives: naked

Cocaine Does A Body Good

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As a kid, I was told that drugs are evil, and if a bag of happy powder were to ever be proffered, I should shout “Bad touch!” and go hide under my bed next to the hollowed-out Nerf football that served as my first girlfriend. (Her name was Mathilda, and while I couldn’t make her spiral, I could definitely make her squish.) Also, I think someone mentioned something about “just saying no,” which I never understood, ’cause that’s no way to make friends.

Okay, Linds... let's cut to the chase. Just do porn. Jenna Jameson's fortune would be nothing compared to what you'd bring in. And even though your face can't hide the hard living, you'd still be among the ten hottest chicks in the biz.

Looking at these bizarrely hot photos of Lindsay Lohan, though, I now realize that Nancy Reagan was not being entirely forthcoming with me. Sure, Keith Richards and Courtney Love have taken the Heroin Train to Overdoseington so many times that their faces look like someone stretched Clint Eastwood’s dehydrated scrotum over a bundle of wire hangers and discarded Play-Doh. But cocaine?

Christ, it's not like you'd need to change your lifestyle, and frankly, you'd probably get checked for STDs more often.

That shit is obviously the cosmetic equivalent of an overindulgent fairy godmother who keeps creating new gowns for Cinderella no matter how many times the little skank stumbles home from the ball at 4am covered in a crime lab’s worth of DNA and reeking of Night Train and urinal cakes.

And talk about getting back your "It Girl" status! Shee-it! You could do one fuck-flick a year, and EVERYONE would watch it. You could be the person who finally, fully mainstreams porno. You'd be number one again.

LiLo looks so good here that I’d be tempted to throw her a fap, ‘cept I happen to be using my iPad at the moment, and I’m not 100% sure that chlamydia can’t be contracted through a touchscreen.

Exactly.

photos: Terry Richardson & Jason Mcdonald
via: The Superficial & Touch Puppet

Heather Morris (Brittany) Naked, “Glee” Now 5% Less Gay!

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Glee is… well, it… it just blows, man.

Not because it’s incredibly, overwhelmingly gay, mind you. A television show has the right to be as flamboyant as it likes, and I fully support its opportunity to marry other rainbow-powered, unicorn-riding primetime comedy/dramas… or even adopt a little spin-off someday. I’m no (ordinary) bigot! Why, some of my favorite programs have been ridiculous, wrist-drooping, homo-tastic cheese-fests! And not just the obvious ones, like Walker, Texas Ranger.

But there is such a thing as good taste, and I have it. (I’ve been told my balls have a playful flavor; robust, with a hint of taint.) As such, I am utterly opposed to Glee‘s sub-Grease 2 brand of high school musicality. If The Breakfast Club got Xanadu drunk one night and they accidentally made a baby, it would be a mongoloid atrocity on roller skates… and it would still be better than Glee.

So it was with no small delight that I came across (make of that what you will) a couple nudes featuring the be-nippled form of one of Glee‘s lithe and fetchingly stupid cheerleaders, Heather Morris. Yes, Heather Morris, she who embodies the character Brittany and gives voice to the only funny lines on the show not uttered by Jane Lynch.

Lynch, by the way, is living proof that short-haired lesbians can be awesome and hilarious. (The counter-argument being, of course, Ellen Degeneres.) Power to my close-cropped sistahs!

Naked hairography is the best kind.

Sadly, the photographer did not book Heather to play a solo at Vagstock, so there’s only so much she can improve her show’s situation. But every little bit helps, and her work here at least suggests the possibility of a Glee where the ball-shriveling sincerity and covers of 30 year-old Madonna tunes (that sucked even before their bloated pop-cultural corpses were aurally fucked by Cory Monteith’s pasty vocal stylings) are at least supplemented by an occasional burst of teh sexxy.

Yes, Naked Brittany. That's a wall.

Ideal situation? Brittany and Santana break out the scissors and somehow manage to make the whole thing more and less gay, simultaneously. That, my friends, would be epic. Still bad… but epic.

(hat tip: Egotastic)

I’m Suddenly Thirsty

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What the hell is SoBe Lifewater? Aside from an opportunity to drink imperceptibly flavored, corporate-branded water from an environment-choking plastic bottle instead of, y’know, drinking from the fucking tap like a normal person?

"Seriously, you guys? Isn't it at least a little insensitive to drought-stricken people for me to stand hip-deep in free water to promote this bottled sewer piss? Huh? Wait... what d'you mean, 'shut up and look naked'?"

Apparently, it is also an excuse to paint a mermaid bikini on a naked Ashley Greene and wait for the internet to descend into a masturbatory frenzy. Which, on balance, is probably okay, ’cause, well… naked Ashley Greene, right?

Excuse me while my consumerist shame takes a backseat to my sexual desperation. Which is also a sort of shame, when ya think about it, so at least I’m not a total sell-out.