Tag Archives: miley cyrus

Miley “Can’t Be Tamed”, Might Require Cattle Prod

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You must stay at least 1000 yards from this image at all times.

I was all prepped to post something snarky and creepy about Miley Cyrus’s new album (Can’t Be Tamed) and the video for its lead single, which serves as the next step in her plan to raise sex offender recidivism rates across the country. But that was totally derailed when TMZ got their mitts on a video of Smiley going buck-wild at the wrap party for her latest cinematic irrelevancy. Shockingly, the public seems to have lost its collective shit.

Y’know, I really don’t understand people. Why the big deal over Miley giving director Adam Shankman a lapdance? I don’t pay much attention to the news, but it seems like all those elderly people with the signs on that one Fox channel that never runs American Idol are always complaining about this country losing its freedoms. I’m sure they’d agree with me that The Founding Fathers were all in favor of underage girls grinding all over a profoundly gay dude’s disinterested lap.

(I believe it was Ben Franklin who said one night during the Constitutional Convention, “Gentleman, being as we are at an impasse in the grand design of our nation’s governance upon this eve, perhaps it would best serve the ultimate needs of our assorted and trustful constituencies that we repair for fair rest and sober reflection to whatever sanctuaries most welcome our diverse spirits. In my case, the nearest titty bar.”)

Let’s face it, America: it’s 2010, and by the time your Little Princesses are old enough to use the web without you in the room, they have already seen their first double-penetration porn with a frosty finish. By Miley’s age, they’ve mastered the art of giving a handy-j with the left hand and texting about it with the right. My God, they’ve seen both girls and the cup. You just don’t come back from that.

Yeah, it's the cup that gets them. Every time.

Bearing this in mind, wouldn’t you prefer they were freaking all over some middle-aged homosexual who will clap cheerfully and encourage them to be fierce? Giving them outlets like that –in conjunction with constant exposure to weird-haired castrati like those Bieber and Jonas boys– will keep them off the straight and narrow, if y’know what I mean. Think about it.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, all I have left for the new song is the video and this interesting factoid: someone called The BCG –I’m assuming it’s an abbreviation for Bi-Curious Guy– also has an album called Can’t Be Tamed, which features a single entitled Tea Bag A Ho. I’m not saying there’s a connection here… but if the balls dangle, dip ‘em.

Hannah Montana Is Deeper Than You

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I’m glad to see that Miley’s pre-programmed and largely talentless rise to fame hasn’t warped her perception of herself:

I think we’re both deeper than normal people—what they think and how they feel.

–Miley Cyrus in Teen Vogue

Okay, so my instinct was to call her a “self-deluded little twatling”, but I had to kinda stop for a second and consider what passes for “normal people” in Miley’s universe. I mean, there’s daddy, the man who single-handedly ruined the mullet for the rest of us… and she spends most of her time in L.A., where “normal” is defined as limiting yourself to one espresso colonic a week and waiting until you’re twenty before you let someone snort coke off your ass.

Evidence of this can be found in another quote about meeting her co-star/boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth:

He definitely showed chivalry: I remember him opening the door for the director, and I was like, Wow.

That’s correct: all you have to do to “wow” Miley Cyrus is stand still for a few seconds after opening a fucking door you were just gonna open anyway. If her standards were any lower, she’d be a Chinese toothpaste factory. For such a faint nod toward general manners to so impress her, I have to assume that her exes routinely left surprises for her in her toilet and/or used her hair to wipe off their cocks after sex.

So I’m gonna give you a pass this time, Smiley. No thanks are necessary, but I do accept gifts in the form of solid gold Escalades.

Miley On The Pole: Intervention With Billy Ray Cyrus

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Hi… nice to meet you. Can I call you “Bill”? Oh… Billy Ray it is, then. No, no… it’s fine. It’s just that I feel like I should be talking to the buck-toothed, trailer-dwelling, plumber-cracked spawn of some backwoods eugenics program when I address someone as “Billy Ray”. No offense.

Anyhoo… I think we all know why we’re here. This is going to be an awkward situation no matter what we do, so in my experience, the best approach is to just jump right in. I’ll start.

Billy Ray, you know the rules. You know that –as the father of an attractive teen girl– you have a single responsibility in her life. Just as a refresher, allow me to briefly turn this process over to Mr. Rock, who I believe sums matters up perfectly in a mere 22 seconds:

“Keep my baby off the pole,” indeed. That’s what it’s about, sir. The rest of the males in our society are working hard to get her on the pole, and you are the balancing influence that says, “Hey, maybe there are better ways to get attention.” You are the key to your daughter developing the tools she needs to make an informed decision between becoming a vice-president of marketing studies at General Electric and wiping a mix of jizz and Pabst off her ass in a champagne room at 2am.

(Allow me to hasten to mention that the latter scenario is not inherently inferior… this is about preserving options, not making moral judgements. Except with regard to you, Billy Ray. We’re definitely gonna judge you.)

So imagine everyone’s surprise when we spotted your little lady initially showing up like this at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards:

2009 Teen Choice Awards

…and immediately following that up with a performance that looked like this:

Miley Cyrus standing pole ice cream cart 2009 Teen Choice awards

See? Ice cream! That's innocent, right? Nothing more Disney than ice cream! And booty shorts. That's just good marketing, right there.

Miley Cyrus squatting pole ice cream cart 2009 Teen Choice Awards

"Now I'd just like to take a moment to say 'fuck you, Nick Jonas,' you pencil dick. This pole has already given me more pleasure than you ever could."

Now, don’t get us wrong. To a large extent, you’re doing the world a favor here. If we track the Britney Spears Awesome-Jailbait-to-Insane-Nightmare Arc and match it up to sweet Miley, it rapidly becomes clear that we’re in for at least five years of increasingly exciting, erratic entertainment. (Did I say “erratic”? Sorry… “erotic”.) In fact, she may even be ahead of schedule; she could be dancing in a harem outfit with a snake next summer at this rate.

Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus mashup Slave 4 U

Artist's rendering, obviously. I mean, Miley's boobs will never be that big.

Let that image burn into your retinas for a moment, and then consider what little Smiley has been posting on the interwebz:

For all the people calling me the “next Britney” THANK U. I couldn’t ask for a better compliment :)

@mileycyrus on Twitter

Says it all, does it not? Miley doesn’t even have the sense to spot a cautionary tale when it’s hitting her in the face like a crazy bald bitch with an umbrella. Do you really want a soul-patched jizz-tube draping himself all over your baby?

Take steps now, Mr. Cyrus, before your family’s gene pool is polluted by Federline 2.0 while you’re installing underwear verification monitors and spending your evenings wiping Cheetos dust off your girl’s chin.