Tag Archives: megan fox

Megan Fox Is A Friend To Womankind

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Y’know the kind of friend I’m talking about? The kind that offers to pick you up at the estate sale where the IRS is auctioning off your home and drive you to your divorce hearing, but he does it in his new Bentley, and asks you to ride in the back seat ’cause his NFL cheerleader girlfriend wants to experiment with road-head on the way there? Yeah, like that.

See, Fox tells W magazine that –just like normal women– she’s insecure about being photographed and how she looks in her underwear. Isn’t that something? It’s like she’s just the girl next door, if the girl next door had weird toe-thumbs and an Armani lingerie modeling contract. But the beautiful part is when she tries to describe her insecurity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7OzNvIucEag

There are some women you could put in underwear and photograph them, and it looks really classy and it doesn’t necessarily provoke a pin-up image. But with me it does, immediately, as soon as I’m in underwear I’m a Vargas girl.

Uh-huh. For the uninitiated, these are “Vargas girls”:

If you were growing up in the '80s, your older brother or sister probably had this album cover somewhere around the house. Or your dad had it under the mattress.

…the creations of Alberto Vargas, whose 60 year body of work has adorned everything from the noses of WWII fighter planes to dorm-room walls to movie marquees.

This puppy was a ground-breaker when it was released in the '30s, and critics routinely rank it among the top two or three movie posters of all time.

So just to make this clear, Megan Fox is insecure about the fact that, when she strips to her panties and lounges in front of a Nikon, she looks more like the idealized images of female perfection that kept soldiers sane during the ravages of multiple wars than a classy lady like, say, Queen Elizabeth.

There you have it, ladies. Megan understands your fears and shares them. Megan is one of you.

Vanessa Marcil’s Son Carries Suitcase, Depresses Me

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For mere pennies, a day, you two can own a former soap opera actress's son and use him to tote around unwieldy items while showing off your douchey chapeau.

"Someday, I will rise up and strike him down, claiming my birthright in the rush of battle and blood. And then I will touch her boobies."

Here we see theoretical actor Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox in her “I’m really a normal chick” drag, accompanied by a young lad named Kassius. At first I feared Kassius might be sort of douche-intern at the Douche Academy that Green runs out of his home, but upon closer inspection, the young man appears to be a cute, completely normal child. (Note the lack of a ridiculous chapeau or misplaced expression of entitlement on the boy… dead giveaway.)

So how to explain his presence here? I initially considered the possibility that he might be Fox’s younger brother, but quickly realized that was implausible, ’cause there’s no way her parents would have risked bringing a brother into that family after having her. After all, no one wants a convict in the family; there’s only so much self-restraint you can expect from a boy, and incest laws are pretty strict these days.

Next I tried a little research, and discovered that this Kassius kid appears to be the son of Vanessa Marcil, she of General Hospital (the soap), 90210 (the original), Las Vegas (the death of Jimmy Caan’s dignity), and The Rock (the last movie made by Nicolas Cage before he perfected his “annoying the living hell out of everyone in the audience” acting technique). But why would the offspring of this woman:

Vanessa Marcil Maxim cover

Certified (by me) to be the absolutely finest forty-something in the history of forever. Good God, the back dimples... the back dimples!

…be schlepping around a suitcase for Michael Bay’s personal car scrubber and a dude who thinks that George Michael’s Faith-era look is immortal? It just doesn’t make sense… unless… urethra, I’ve got it!

See if you can follow me on this! Someone abducts Marcil’s kid, puts him up for sale on the black market, and dBAG buys him to serve as a houseboy. After all, he’s got lots of stuff to do between all that nothing and absolutely zero, and having some unpaid child labor could be a big help. Yeah… yeah. It’s all falling into place now. The truth is out there.

Vanessa Marcil panties tank

If you look closely, I think you can detect the faint hint of melancholy loss in her eyes. Her pert, succulent eyes.

Try as I might, I can find nothing on Google News to indicate that the public is even aware that this crime has been committed. Somehow, with the help of (I assume) the FBI, they’ve kept the whole thing on the down-low. But they slipped up and let this photo reach the world at large, exposing the whole sordid story. I hope the journalistic integrity which forced me to blow this story wide open doesn’t endanger the child somehow, but y’know, we bloggers must heed a higher calling. Like I once said to my spiritual gay uncle Perez,  I find th– hold on a minute… phone’s ringing.

Hello? What? Wait… what?

Fuck off with that shit. Don’t dick with me.

Oh, you just die and go to hell. I hate you. Yeah, yeah… bye.

Um, okay, we’re back. So, I just got off the phone with my mom, who apparently subscribes to People or some shit and thinks she knows every fucking thing about everything. Except how to stop her new boyfriend from drinking the Dr. Pepper I left in the fridge. I mean, I had my fucking name on it, right? And then he has the gall to pull that “maybe you can call me ‘dad’ someday” stuff. I don’t know, Earl… maybe someday I can actually open the refrigerator and find my frosty fucking beverage where I left it. Could you take a day off from defiling my mother to get your own six pack, asshole?

Brian Austin Green youngAnyway… I’m told that, in a bizarre twist that can only be explained by a bottle of chloroform and a uterus with profound self-esteem issues, Monsieur Massengill over here is the kid’s father. Yeah, I had the same reaction. It’s like finding out that Punky Brewster raped a large Jamaican man behind Caesar’s Palace in 1998… it’s wrong, and doesn’t even make sense.

Frankly, I think I’d be happier just sticking with the child slavery story. Somehow, it seems more hopeful.

Hell with it… here’s some video of Vanessa helping the Pussycat Dolls torture Tainted Love. I’m gonna go cry.

Megan Fox Wants To Eat Amanda Seyfried? Get In Line, Bitch.

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Here’s the trailer to Jennifer’s Body, the new horror-comedy from Diablo Cody. Cody used to be a stripper, which should make her right up my alley, except that she’s more nerdy-interesting than actually hot. Fortunately, she’s written a movie that stars The Foxinator and Amanda Seyfried, giving me an excuse to give DC a shout-out.

Y’know, as I watch that, it occurs to me that Amanda is one of the most underrated hotties in Hollywood these days. Question is, why? When she looks like this:

Amanda Seyfried Mean Girls promo

Okay, so this photoshoot is five years old now, and she no longer looks exactly like this. So what? Five years ago, I was holding up liquor stores in eastern Nevada with a coked-up, horny midget named Frieda. My point is, some things don't change. Except Frieda, who has switched to meth.

…she should be at least as big a deal as Scarlett Johansson, right? Yeah, ScarJo was in Ghost World and Lost In Translation, and deserves full credit for being awesome enough to work with both Steve Buscemi and Bill Murray, but Seyfried works with Bill Paxton on Big Love… and as we all know, Paxton is the greatest actor in the history of actorlyness.

I think part of the problem is that she never embarrasses herself. No drunken, public displays, no attention-grabbing Playboy shoots… nothin’. She’s so frickin’ classy that she’s almost instantly disqualified from being featured on this site. This is about as wild and nasty as she gets.

Amanda Seyfried bikini pinup

She's so fine, I can even ignore the granny panties and the excruciating memory of her singing old ABBA tunes with Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan. Mostly.

It’s like her early exposure to Lindsey Lohan leeched all the hell-raising slut right out of her, leaving her a beautiful, responsible, talented shell of a human being. (This could also explain how boring Rachael McAdams has proven to be.) Damn you, Lohan… do you have to ruin everything, up to and including my fantasies of lipstick lesbianism?!

C’mon, Seyfried… walk that shit off! Get your groove back! Get your freak on! Do anything that involves stuff going off, on, or back anywhere in your immediate vicinity! I don’t care, just give me an excuse to post about you. We’ll both be happier for it. And unlike all the other women I’ve said that to, this time I mean it.

Oh, and just as a cookie for those who made it all the way to the bottom of this post, here’s Megan Fox’s faux PSA for Jennifer’s Body:

UPDATE! From Amanda, regarding her girl-on-girl kiss with Fox in Jennifer’s Body:

Being a lead, you have that weird pressure of feeling like you have to look attractive. In this movie, I didn’t worry about any of that shit. I don’t want to play the one that everybody is supposed to want to have sex with.

Now, see, that kind of attitude is exactly what I’m talking about! Knock it off!

I Guess It Never Hurts To Ask

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Comic-Con 2009 - Day 2 - Jonah Hex Panel Discussion
Josh: “Yeah, I totally hit that.” Megan: “He did. He really did.”

So, Megan Fox was at Comic-Con with co-star Josh Brolin, pimping Jonah Hex. Y’know, the comic book western starring a character with a horribly disfigured face and Megan Fox’s amazingly corseted waistline.

Megan Fox Jonah Hex corset

"Oh my god, you guys... I can taste my spleen!"

In and of itself, this news is only interesting in the sense that it gave me an excuse to post the corset shot. (You’re welcome.) What was really interesting was the incident that Fox had to face during the Q&A. See, a young man stood up and fired this off:

My question is for Megan. I have a Sony HVR [ed: that's a camera, doofus]. It’s not a true HD, but it gives a pretty good image. Anyway, my question is: I just graduated film school and I’m trying to help my career. I was wondering if you’d be interested in some kind of, like, celebrity sex tape?

Security rushed him out of the room at that point, and Ms. Fox chose to leave that extremely pressing question wholly unanswered. The woman has absolutely no respect for investigative journalism.

For what it’s worth, I’m not sure what the recent graduate looked like, but in my mind’s bloodshot eye, he’ll always look something like this:

Superhero Running