Tag Archives: kids

Taylor Swift Meets An Awesome Kid, Forgets Her Pants

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My thoughts here are many:

  • Taylor may want to rethink the micro-mini the next time she’s meeting her crotch-height fans. And am I the only one who looks at this photo and is immediately struck by a vision of flowers bursting from her vagina on demand?1 Y’know, like a Tijuana ping-pong-ball show, only with unicorns and rainbows.
  • How awesome is young Tanner Rothel here? You know this moment is going in his permanent spank-bank, right? Ten bucks says he’s gonna have a thing for giant, skinny, blond chicks for the rest of his life; at least once in his teens, his mom is gonna spend a few confusing hours trying to figure out why she found a blond wig stapled to a broom handle in the back of his closet.
  • It blows my mind that anyone would want to bully Tanner. That’s bullshit, man. Do you know how many hours I’ve spent in front of the mirror, trying to perfect my Billy Idol sneer? Thanks to Cystic Hyrgroma, Tanner has that shit down. If this were 1985, I’d be ready to declare him a god. In fact, fuck it… Tanner’s a god, like Zeus or Ted Nugent. I’ve decided. You hear that, punk kid fuckwits of 2010? Don’t let me find out you’ve been screwing with my boy Tanner. Don’t mess with his lunch, don’t push him around, and don’t you dare attempt to mock him. As his first and best disciple, I will hunt you down and give you the Swirly To End All Swirlies. Because as My Bodyguard taught me at your age, the only appropriate response to a bully is an even bigger bully.
  1. I now anticipate a reply to her epic post-coital John Mayer song entitled Your Body Is A Botanical Garden. ↩

Gisele Bundchen Has Really Let Herself Go

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Look, ladies… I understand that eventually, most of you need to resort to using the ol’ uterus as a weapon just to hold on to a man. It’s instinctive for you, as natural as wearing pretty bows, waxing your bush, and making me delicious sandwiches. I get it. But by all the gods of Olympus, after you’ve shit out that little boat anchor and locked some poor bastard into postnatal servitude, don’t just give up!

It’s been six months since Tom Brady’s spawn started running the bases backward by leaving the vagina and heading for the breast, and, I mean… look at Gisele! Highest-paid model in the world, and she’s a fucking wreck. No pride, no self-respect. A shell of her former self.

I’m so sickened by the sight of this Calzedonia swimwear photoshoot that I just barely have it in me to beat off. Fortunately, Pepto-Bismol both settles the stomach and serves as a festively colored lubricant.

Ali Landry Has A Weird Girl-on-Girl Moment

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This really isn’t what I had in mind when I imagined Ali canoodling in Malibu with another chick.

Ali Landry with husband and daughter on a beach in Malibu

The rumor among the crass masses is that the small person she’s swinging around is her “daughter”. I give little credence to such piffle, since I firmly believe that Ali Landry will always remain a vaguely naughty figure of purity and hottitude, as exemplified in her Doritos commercials of yesteryear:

The idea that she might have spawned is completely unacceptable. In fact, I’m throwing down the gauntlet: Ali, if you don’t immediately cease this whole “motherhood” routine, I will stop invading your dreams and ravishing you to the point that both your body and mind tremble on the edge of complete surrender.

Yeah, I know. I’m a cold bastard. But you started it, baby.

NOTE: Check out Jack from Will & Grace in that second video, drooling over an acrobatic Ms. Landry. That, folks, is what you call acting.