Someone passed me these photos, stating that they are stills extracted from a sex-tape recorded the night of the Cruise/Holmes abomiwedding. Apparently, Xenu gets lonely in his galactic prison and needs a little stroke material to make it through the eons.

Here we see Tom —outfitted in the protective gear he had specially designed for his evening of nuptial bliss— bravely diving toward Katie's vagina with what can best be described as minimal trepidation.

An entire crew was “on set” for the event, making sure Cruise was properly lit and Katie never made the mistake of looking him in the eye. (“In case she couldn’t help it, we already had her fitted for a Kevin Spacey mask that was kept on standby. But she was a trouper! Just stared at the ceiling and whispered “Dawson”, which also seemed to help Tom maintain interest,” said the source.) After approximately forty-five minutes of “stretching and toning exercises” in an adjacent room with a group of his closest, sweatiest friends, Cruise was ready for the final preparations.

PICTURED: The custom E-Meter that Cruise had "installed" on his person just prior to the Loving Act. Said Tom to Katie: "It will, uh... scare away the Thetans. You don't want Thetans on our baby do you? Now just relax and let me concentrate on what Dr. Bob has assured me is your lovely and entirely toothless baby bakery."

And in a flash, it began!

Hesitating at the last moment, Cruise reverts to instinct and clings to the nearest pole he can get his hands on.

Fortunately, Cruise brought all the determination and focus expected of a multiple People’s Choice Award winning actor to the enterprise, and after only six hours and what was described to this reporter as “…two fistfuls of Viagra and a sign taped to the back of Katie’s head that read ‘You can do this’,” the marital function at the junction was complete.

And in the end, it was all worth it! (Mostly.)

Further details about the tape and its making are forthcoming.

UPDATE: The leak is being spun by Cruise’s handlers as “scenes from the set of his latest film, Knight and Day.“ Like anyone’s gonna believe that lame-ass title is real…!