Tag Archives: jessica alba

Dear Cosmo: Go Trim Your Bush, Hippies! (NSFW)

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Yes, this cover is implying that beneath that little dress, an enormous, post-natal afro lurks.

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No. Absolutely no. No on so many levels I cannot count them in the space and time allotted. No fucking way.

First, there is nothing sexy about untamed bush, ladies. This is not 1968, I’m not tripping balls on acid, and thus your massive mound of pubic underbrush isn’t entertainingly groovy. Also, I don’t like my women to walk around with a bulge in their Hello Kitty panties. Call me quirky. And straight.

This photo is only made possible by the twin miracles of laser hair removal and silicone implants. Thanks, science!

Second, vagina is beautiful. Gorgeous. Epic. I mean, sure, there’s the occasional uggo out there, but for the most part, I likey. Covering it up is a crime against everything wonderful in this world. Every time someone misses her appointment for a Brazilian wax, an angel gets his heavenly junk punched.

You know what else needs a hairless kitty? Low pants.

Finally, the most significant question: you want Cosmo’s idea of style, or you want my tongue on your bean? According to recent surveys, today’s ladies are all about receiving the oral lovin’, and sisters, I can provide for your needs… as long as I can find all the parts. I want to have sex with you, not go on a fucking safari like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Womb.

Do you want hair in your beer? No, I didn't think so.

In short, if you insist on giving your mound a beard, please feel free to stick a cigar in its mouth, too, ’cause that’s the only penetration it’s gonna get.

If she had followed Cosmo's advice, a classic internet photo would have never happened.

P.S. “But what about dudes? Why don’t you have to shave/wax/laser?” Two answers:

  1. We will, if you’d like.
  2. You won’t ask more than once, after you see how stupid a penis looks without a fur collar.

P.P.S. Okay, fine. You can leave a thin layer of hair up top, for decorative purposes. I’m okay with that. But in exchange, get to waxing those buttholes!

hat tip: ForgetFoo

Long Distance Telepathy Works: Vanessa Hudgens Swears Off Breeding

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High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens leaves Diesel on Melrose Avenue this afternoon

This, people, is the very definition of a Sexy Hot Bitch. The only way she could get any hotter would be to open that bag and show me that it contains a slab of bacon that she's bringing home to cook for me.

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Bowing to the pressure exerted by my giant brain, Vanessa had this to say:

All the exposure to young children does put me off having them.  I love kids, don’t get me wrong, because without them I wouldn’t be where I am today, but they do follow me around to the most peculiar places. And they’re very loud!

Let me make something very clear: America cannot stand idly by and watch all of its female hotness be endangered by the sperm-laden douchebags that our Peak Chicks (like Peak Oil, only more vagina-y) inevitably gravitate toward. Since the Jessica Alba Debacle (wherein she allowed herself to be soiled by the seed of the oh-so-ironically named Cash Warren), I’ve been involved in a daily meditation routine designed to stop this sort of nonsense.

(And don’t any of you hippyfied post-natal drips start crying to me about how women can be just as hot after they’re given birth! Sure, the blessings of the Titty Fairy are appreciated, but we’re talking about young females on the edge of perfection here. Taking a fetal dump moves bones around. Stuff tears. Important stuff. Stuff I like. So shut up.)

What kind of meditation can prevent these travesties, you ask? The kind where I sit in the middle of my living room floor, concentrate on (for example) Vanessa Hudgens’ ovaries, and pound myself in the nuts with a meat tenderizer. The resulting scream does more than send neighborhood dogs fleeing in all directions… it generates an overwhelming psychic wave aimed at California, one that washes over the target and lands a 64-hit combo on the part of her brain that is predisposed toward saying things like “Oh my God those tiny baby shoes are so cuuuuuuuute!”

 

 

 

Celebrities who have fallen in love on set

I refer to photos like this as "motivation".

And I do this in service to my country. Where’s my parade, you bastards?!