Tag Archives: jersey shore

The Link Parts Are… Henpecked!

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  • One-man study shows road-rash preferable to nagging [The Leaf Chronicle]
    The chicks in my life have never nagged me. Partially ’cause women don’t nag a man who knows how to handle his bidness. And partially because sheep don’t talk.
  • Michael Bay asserts his copyright on all instances of cinematic mediocrity [SciTech Bits]
    My theory as to the real reason Viacom had behind-the-scenes footage from Transformers 3 pulled from YouTube? Evidence of the long-rumored but unsubstantiated claims that Optimus Prime is a mean drunk who makes fun of Megan Fox’s toe-thumbs on set.
  • Jersey Shore‘s Vinny apparently not Italian, might be a Leprechaun [The Superficial]
    Jesus, Vin… flat-chested and six inches taller than you? Yeah, she’s pretty, but still. I know the pickings are slim in Vinnyville –which seems to be primarily populated by cougars with alcohol poisoning– but you’re making Pauly D and Mike look like sexual gods here.
  • The reanimated corpse of John Wayne runs for office in Alabama, voters (and Mexicans) prepare for an ass whooping [Uncoached]
    I hope this guy’s wife isn’t a werewolf, because from what I can tell, he’s so bad-ass his cock must shoot silver bullets. Somewhere, Chuck Norris is watching this ad while sliding up and down on his fruity little exercise ramp and crying softly about his inadequacy as a man.

Jersey Shore: Snooki Ascendant

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Nicole "Snooki" Pollizzi, seen here serving as the petite meat in an indigestible Douche Sandwich.

America is an amazing place, for many reasons. Primarily for being the home of the Luther Burger, yeah, but we’re cool for other stuff as well. For example, look at the awesome formulae we have developed for becoming famous.

  • Give your kid a stupid name guaranteed to get his ass kicked on the playground, and then pretend to lose him in a tragic balloon accident. It’s a stone cold fact that those words don’t even make sense crammed together like that, and yet… FAMOUS!
  • Give all your kids stupid names guaranteed to get their asses kicked on the playground, learn how to wink, and prove yourself incapable of answering simple questions such as “what do you read?”… FAMOUS!
  • Give yourself a stupid nickname guaranteed to get you punched in the face at a club, hang around with guys who develop tanning bed melanoma as a hobby, and next stop… FAMOUS!

Yes indeed… everyone’s favorite miniature guidette is yet another in a long line of innovators who roam the endless American famescape. And we must treasure her for that. Well, okay, maybe not for that… but for videos like this, shot long before Jersey Shore? Definitely.

I mean, right there, all by itself… that deserves popular acclaim. (I know my wang gave her a standing ovation.) Yeah, some haters will rush to point out that this is an example of Snooki from the Land of Many-Pounds-Ago, but to them I say: “BAH!” As long as she’s still that flexible and slutty, she could swallow an entire vat of Krispy Kreme glaze and I’d go ahead and hit it. In fact, a willingness to swallow vast quantities of glaze might just make her the perfect woman.

If (like me) you’re wondering what exactly caught MTV’s eye and made them enshrine darling Nikky here as an Italian-American institution, it’s worth watching the following video. Shot in 2008, it pretty much serves as a reality TV resume.

And lest you think that she’s just about the part-ay and not matters of intellectual significance, check out this bit of sciency goodness, wherein Dr. Snooki, PhD demonstrates the effect of centrifugal force on enormous jugs:

I love you, Snooki. In a bitter, twisted, verbally abusive way, mind you… but I figure you’re up for it, baby.