Tag Archives: jenna haze

home made fleshlight

Roll-Your-Own Fleshlight, Lose-Your-Own Dignity (NSFW)

Are you lonely? Sexually frustrated? Has life let you down? Are you at the point where you can see yourself fucking a Pringles can full of cleaning supplies? If so, then here’s a photographic walkthrough for constructing your own disembodied vagina. With just a few minutes of effort and the complete eradication of every last molecule of pride, you too can be humping away at something that looks like a boxer’s left ear wrapped in a condom.

Or you could just buy a Fleshlight, which offers a number of significant advantages over the DIY approach to doing yourself:

  1. No embarrassing questions from the housekeeper about why you’ve named her sponges “Lola” and “Trixie”.
  2. Slightly decreased chance that you’ll experience unwanted erections at work when the janitor walks by.
  3. Jaundice isn’t a good look for genitals.
  4. Psychologically speaking, it’s only a short stroll from screwing a homemade cleanser-cooter in your kitchen to raping Elmo in the toy aisle at Walmart.
  5. Bareback, baby!

Plus, Fleshlights are molded from the cockpits of porn stars:

Tori Black: one of those classic, too-pretty-for-porn girls who go ahead and do porn anyway. It's like if Stephen Hawking said "fuck it" and went to work as a high school physics teacher. Only with more anal.

Jenna Haze demonstrates what it would be like if she had an albino conjoined twin that was made entirely of pussy and asshole. Kinda like my dad.

I adore Teagan Pressley, but I don't care for her tat sleeve. I mean, she's quite lovely and adorable, until that one time you glance down and it looks like you're getting a hand-job from Dave Navarro. No one but Perry Farrell wants that.

In case you didn't get enough of Riley Steele in Piranha 3D, now you can take her Fleshlight down to the lake and pretend you found some bits the fish didn't want. You sick fucker.

(Hat tip to John, who has to make his custom fuck-puppets out of old sofa cushions and a 55 gallon drum.)