Tag Archives: helen mirren

Helen Mirren Got Her Goddess On (NSFW)

Check this crazy shit out. For those under the age of fifty, Helen Mirren has primarily been That Respectable Older British Actress you always recognize but seldom make a point of seeing. She’s usually a queen or something, gets nominated for a Golden Globe, and generally goes about doing her respectable, older actress thing.

Then came 2008, when people suddenly remembered that she had a vagina, and had possibly even been a sexual being at some point before Hollywood decided she was past her fuck- by date. Thus was born her World’s Hottest Grandma phase, exemplified by this photo:

Okay, sure, not exactly Bar Rafaeli, but impressive for someone in her 60s, right? Here’s the thing, though… how did I not know how smokin’ she was when she wasn’t 62? Have you seen some of this shit?

Huhwhatnow? I have no idea what that insane shit was, but it was awesome. And wait, it gets better.

So basically, Helen Mirren was the 1968 version of Kelly Brook? I’ve always fancied myself a bit of a horndog historian, but this is all news to me. It’s like the past has opened up and spewed beautiful, elegant titties at me.

She was still rockin’ the sexay into the ’80s, when –for reasons fathomable only to Antonio Banderas– people like Melanie Griffith started getting all the headlining chick roles. I don’t get it. Helen had more sensual class than Geena Davis had teeth.

Best of all, she made a movie called Age of Consent. Which, judging by the screen-caps I’ve seen, is clearly in the running for Best Movie Ever Made.


Someone (and by someone, I mean me) needs to get on remaking this obvious cinematic classic. I’m thinking Selena Gomez in the spear-fishing/nude-modeling role; she looks even less age-of-consenty now than Helen did in the original, and how could she resist getting the same sand in her crack that once irritated the ass of the fabled Helen Mirren?

(In case you’re wondering, I’ve found that women tend to resist things a lot. Which is why I’ve learned to always tighten my knots.)

Michael Powell Double Feature (Age of Consent, Stairway to Heaven)

Age of Consent – Movie Poster / Print

Herostratus [Blu-ray]

White Nights