Look, ladies… I understand that eventually, most of you need to resort to using the ol’ uterus as a weapon just to hold on to a man. It’s instinctive for you, as natural as wearing pretty bows, waxing your bush, and making me delicious sandwiches. I get it. But by all the gods of Olympus, after you’ve shit out that little boat anchor and locked some poor bastard into postnatal servitude, don’t just give up!

It’s been six months since Tom Brady’s spawn started running the bases backward by leaving the vagina and heading for the breast, and, I mean… look at Gisele! Highest-paid model in the world, and she’s a fucking wreck. No pride, no self-respect. A shell of her former self.

I’m so sickened by the sight of this Calzedonia swimwear photoshoot that I just barely have it in me to beat off. Fortunately, Pepto-Bismol both settles the stomach and serves as a festively colored lubricant.