Spring Break: 10 Seconds To Impress The Audience (NSFW)

Posted on July 7, 2010 by Roger

[video src="http://beforepartb.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/spinnakerbikinicontesttitflash.m4v" width="580" height="420"]

There are many things here that impressed me, even as I shot it. The tits, of course, but more than that.

The really big girl, who gamely decided to start unzipping her pants. Just how drunk would she have needed to be to go through with it? And how drunk would the crowd need to be to cheer her on? And how long would it take me to forget?
The super-skinny chick on the left, who –when outgunned by all the tits and ass on display– decided to break it down old school. “Old school” meaning, in this context, “like a twitching seizure victim watching an old episode of Pokemon.”
The emcee, who managed to be reach previously unexplored heights of dochedom by actually scolding girls for flashing their tits. Prick.

Bootyography: Wet T-Shirts Are To Dudes As Rainbows & Unicorns Are To Six Year-Old Girls

Posted on November 16, 2009 by Roger

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It was just another random afternoon on the beach during Spring Break. I wandered aimlessly from bikini to bikini, wondering how I would close out a day of leering and dodging restraining orders. Slowly, the sky grew overcast and the temperature dropped, so naturally, it was time to whip out the hose and soak some hooters.

I’m sorry. That was cheap, childish phrasing. I should be ashamed of myself.

I don’t know why we, as a society, must undermine the power and majesty of the female breast through the use of ridiculous euphemism.

Is it not enough that our noble sisters and their secondary sex characteristics must endure the daily affrontery of straps and underwires and whatever the hell an IPEX is?

Do these marvels of natural engineering truly need a bra to elicit wonder?

Even worse, I can’t help but suspect that our tawdry trivializations may, in some fashion, lead to bigger –possibly even enormous– issues in the future.

All I can do is look at the smiling face below, that of the misguided contest’s “winner”, and shake my head in disconsolate shame. For I, a self-centered, awful little man, have failed her and everyone like her. In seeking to celebrate, I have mocked. With my lascivious gaze and careless words, I have tarnished her gentle form.

Oh, hey, wait… nipple slip!

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

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Yep, pretty much.

Gratuitous Spring Break: Skinny Britney & Friend (Part the First)

Posted on August 26, 2009 by Roger

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Confession time. I like pretty girls. I hide it well, but every now and again, a little hint will slip out.

Yeah, I know, the thought-provoking journalism to which you’ve become accustomed around here couldn’t prepare you for this. I feel bad about that, but I have to be true to myself, even if “myself” isn’t always pretty.^[1] So here I’m going to present the first installment of my personal experiments in recreational sexological photographism.

I have no idea what their names are; I just call the taller one Skinny Britney, and her little accomplice gets stuck with the nom de bikini Skinny Britney’s Friend. They were both contestants at Club La Vela in Panama City Beach, FL, shaking their shit for a couple hundred bucks and the honor of being the primary objects of my day’s lust. ^[2]

I sincerely believe SB may be the single most self-confident human being I have ever observed. Completely relaxed while wearing nearly nothin', laughing one moment and turning on the sexxay the next. Amazing.

I love SBF's expression as they both field invitations from boys in the pool below. She actually manages to pull off the "oh, poor baby, I'm afraid not" face with some conviction.

I'm not sure, but I think he was offering his fisting services. For which dude receives my respect... I mean, as random, drunken flirting goes, requesting to reserve space for your forearm in someone's baby bungalow is awfully ambitious.

More to come of these two (including a little video), and lots more… but for now, here’s a gallery.

FOOTNOTES:

[1] “Pretty,” no. A “studly mass of panty-dampening penis power”? You betcher ass, baby.

[2] Said honor being reserved for those lucky individuals who meet my stringent criteria. To wit: female, in my line of sight, and not running away in terror.

Gratuitous Spring Break: Dudes On Display

Posted on July 14, 2009 by Roger

The opening contest of the day was for male hardbodies, which took a while to get underway. The key problem in these things is getting guys to participate, given the unspoken understanding of all involved that it’s just a pro forma act of affirmation to make things seem a touch more palatable to the sensitivities of the sensitive.

Male Hardbody 438

Naturally, the clever hunters at La Vela know how to snare their afternoon’s worth of exhibitionistic gentlemen… all ya need is the right bait.

As the trap was set, so was it sprung, capturing hardy souls such as this and compelling them to demonstrate the full extent of their funk.

There was a rumor going around that this was a wardrobe malfunction, rather than a disgusting and perverse display of man-nipple. Whatever the truth, I’m calling the FCC. Or Congress. Or Pizza Hut… I get hungry when I’m self-righteously inflamed.

I thought for a moment that the assembled ladies would run in fear at the sight of this fellow, what with his horribly disfigured body. The pitiable young man seemed to suffer from elephantitus pectoralis or some other form of illness that caused all those unsightly bulges. Poor bastard. Good for him, though, getting out and trying to live a normal life!

Here, a participant seeks to explain some sort of complex agricultural concept to the audience. I couldn’t make out all of it, but I believe it had to do with poultry or horses or something. I’m sure he mentioned something about “driving fence posts”, if that makes any sense.

“And when my mommy was carrying me in her tummy, it was this big!”

Overall, it was a hard-fought battle. But among La Vela hardbodies as among Highlanders, there can be only one. They called him Tripod, perhaps alluding to his major in photojournalism. He wasn’t the most formidable individual, nor were his features chiseled from the stones of Mt. Olympus… yet he stole both the ladies’ hearts and the day with his charm, wit, and low-to-the-ground aerodynamics.

Well, that and whatever it is he was showing them right here.

Captain Anderson’s (Panama City Beach, FL)

Posted on July 1, 2009 by Roger

Captain Anderson’s sits on Panama City’s harbor, providing pleasure cruises, fishing expeditions, and a seafood market to the area. It also offers up one seriously good restaurant.

The look of the place is as nautical as one might expect, with a focus on local maritime history. The lighting is on the dim side, which made navigating the largish dining room rather difficult for someone with my weak vision. Fortunately, I’m not the type to get up and wander away from my table during a meal, so it wasn’t a big deal.

CA’s is a family place, a description that often chills the blood of childless folks like me. Nothing kills a meal quicker than someone who decides to bring a screaming, running brat out for the evening. (Keep them to yourselves until you teach them to behave, people.) So I was pleased to note that there was a smoking section available for non-smokers looking for refuge from the joys of someone else’s parenthood.

We were escorted to our table promptly, even in the face of a Spring Break rush, and found the seats comfortable and the environment pleasant. The acoustics of the place are such that a full house generates a low, persistent rumble of conversation that provides just enough background noise to keep private conversations private without having to constantly lean in or raise your voice.

We had sauteed crab fingers to start, and they turned out to be far more satisfying than the battered and deep-fried version I tried at a different restaurant the night before.

My entree was a charcoal-broiled seafood platter, featuring shrimp, scallops, grouper, and stuffed crab. The first two were prepared perfectly, browned nicely without being even slightly overcooked. The grouper was prepared nicely, too, but I’m just not a big fan of the fish itself; flounder would have been a nice substitute.

The highlight of the meal, though, was the stuffed crab.The stuffing was delicious… flavorful and substantial, but never burying the flavor of the crab itself. Fantastic stuff.

When the check arrived, it left a dent in my credit card, but not out of proportion with the quality of the experience. With tip, dinner for two weighed in around $70, but could have been had for perhaps $20 less if we had avoided alcohol and the appetizer.

Hook’s (Panama City Beach, FL)

Posted on July 1, 2009 by Roger

After banging up my ankle, I had to put Blogging the Break on hold for a day, just to heal up… so we had some lunch, checked out the marina, and headed back to the room to crash.

Hook’s is a fine little place with a fine little menu, assuming you enjoy an open-air view (and smell) of moored fishing boats. The jerk chicken is pretty damned fantastic, and in an inexplicably delightful surprise, they have some of the best chips-n-salsa I’ve yet experienced. (And I am an absolute bastard when it comes to salsa.) Given the relatively inexpensive prices and free chips, I’d say it’s a near-ideal stop for Breakers looking for something beyond the strip… assuming you can stand the outward facade of the Treasure Ship, which houses Hook’s. KiddieLand looks aside, give it a shot.

Attached are some shots of Hook’s and the marina itself.

Hooks PCB Florida front

What Comes Before Part B?

A Bastion of Bacchanalian Booyah

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