The list of things I have to thank my penis for is as long as my arm. Which, coincidentally, is also the length of my penis. Unfortunately, the arm in question is three inches long and growing out of my shoulder blade. Dear Mom: thanks for taking all that Thalidomide. Who knew a drug created by Nazi scientists could be bad for you?

Barbie may be popular, but who always has a fistful of singles in her purse for the filthy homeless guy on the corner? Not that stuck-up bitch Barbie, that’s for sure. I think the lesson here is that strippers are better people than businesswomen who drive pink Corvettes and date neutered douches.