If you’re like most people, this is the view of Ashley Roberts to which you’ve become accustomed:
Wicked Step-Sister says: "It rubs the lotion on its skin and stays out of my frame, or it will find its ass walking to the airport next time."
Y’know, somewhere in the background behind Nicole Scherzinger, like a plastic fern with tits. Ashley’s there, she kind of adds a little atmosphere, and she requires almost no upkeep… just dust her on occasion and make sure the other ‘Cats don’t pee on her.
It's like Nicole stays up nights coming up with new ways to make other girls feel like vestigial organs. Reporter: "So how do you all feel about your place in the group?" Ashley: "Well, obviously, Nicole is our heart." Nicole: "But don't doubt for a second that Blond Girl is an awesome appendix! Not to mention, uh... Other Blond Girl; she's our indispensable third nipple."
It’s almost as if Ashley tried to make a deal with the devil for fame, only he turned down her soul and took her self-esteem instead. (The market in used souls has really bottomed out since the Robert Johnson days. I hear the Gosselin group deal left Satan on shaky ground, and Keith Richards’ ongoing refusal to die has the Dark Prince on the edge of infernal bankruptcy.) She could be this enormously talented, multi-faceted individual, and all we’ll ever know is that she doesn’t entirely grasp the “under” concept in “underwear”.
Not for nothin', but you know, they do make seizure medications that'll clear that right up.
She apparently wants to pursue an acting career (which makes sense, given that she’s spent years acting like a singer… ZING! Thanks, I’ll be here all weekend, enjoy the veal!), so maybe that will be her path to freedom from the emotional and professional tyranny of Frau Scherzinger’s School for Wayward Dancers. At FSSWD, aspiring young stars are taught that good girls don’t speak to Snoop Dogg until they’re spokenizzle todizzle, and the headmistress does asshole bleaching inspections every morning promptly at 7:00am.
Just so we're clear, this really is a photo of Nicole making it plain that her hand is a better focal point for a photo than Ashley's face. Also note that only the pride's alpha 'Cat is flatteringly lit. That there is some fine super-dickery, people.
The weird thing in all of this is that –despite how intentionally bland she’s made to appear in almost every photo or performance with PCD– Ashley’s actually quite hot. Perhaps even hotter than She Who Shall Not Be Namedzinger.
So here’s my summation. FACT: Ashley Roberts is surprisingly good looking. TOTAL, COMPLETE FACT: Nicole Scherzinger is a fifth-dimensional ego-bot sent by The Kaiser of an alternate Earth to make our hot burlesque dancers feel bad about themselves.
Think about it. It’s all really starting to make sense now, isn’t it?
