Gratuitous Spring Break: Skinny Britney & Friend (Part the First)

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Confession time. I like pretty girls. I hide it well, but every now and again, a little hint will slip out.

Yeah, I know, the thought-provoking journalism to which you’ve become accustomed around here couldn’t prepare you for this. I feel bad about that, but I have to be true to myself, even if “myself” isn’t always pretty.[1] So here I’m going to present the first installment of my personal experiments in recreational sexological photographism.

I have no idea what their names are; I just call the taller one Skinny Britney, and her little accomplice gets stuck with the nom de bikini Skinny Britney’s Friend. They were both contestants at Club La Vela in Panama City Beach, FL, shaking their shit for a couple hundred bucks and the honor of being the primary objects of my day’s lust. [2]

I sincerely believe SB may be the single most self-confident human being I have ever observed. Completely relaxed while wearing nearly nothin', laughing one moment and turning on the sexxay the next. Amazing.

I sincerely believe SB may be the single most self-confident human being I have ever observed. Completely relaxed while wearing nearly nothin', laughing one moment and turning on the sexxay the next. Amazing.

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I love SBF's expression as they both field invitations from boys in the pool below. She actually manages to pull off the "oh, poor baby, I'm afraid not" face with some conviction.

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I'm not sure, but I think he was offering his fisting services. For which dude receives my respect... I mean, as random, drunken flirting goes, requesting to reserve space for your forearm in someone's baby bungalow is awfully ambitious.

More to come of these two (including a little video), and lots more… but for now, here’s a gallery.

FOOTNOTES:

[1] “Pretty,” no. A “studly mass of panty-dampening penis power”? You betcher ass, baby.

[2] Said honor being reserved for those lucky individuals who meet my stringent criteria. To wit: female, in my line of sight, and not running away in terror.

AnnaLynne McCord Does The Montag Mambo

Its On Your Mark, Get Set, Go! for AnnaLynne McCord at her birthday party in Malibu

Here’s the thing I don’t understand about myself: when Heidi Montag throws a party for herself and puts on a show for the press, I fear for the future of my nation… but when AnnaLynne does it, I fear only for the future of my pants.

Its On Your Mark, Get Set, Go! for AnnaLynne McCord at her birthday party in Malibu

Sure, part of it is that Ms. McCord oozes sex the way Jabba oozed slime. (That’s a compliment. I swear.) She could sit on a tree limb in a public park and fling shit at passers-by and I’d find a way to call it “cute”. And probably applaud her aim.

AnnaLynne McCord celebrates her birthday playing beach tennis in a skimpy red bikini in Malibu

But somehow that just doesn’t feel fair. Heidi can’t help that, in playing herself on TV and marrying someone whose childhood playhouse was a Summer’s Eve box, she inevitably irritates me. I mean, if someone had given Heidi a shot –as they did AnnaLynne– at playing smokin’ hot jailbaity-ish goodness on Nip/Tuck, I’m sure she would have given it what passes for her all.

In the end, I guess whatever is, is. I’ll have to accept that the universe isn’t a just realm, and forgive myself for my part in a rigged game. That, and my dry-cleaning bill.

Falling In Love With A Stranger

Our eyes met across a crowded pool, and there was magic in the air. Well, technically, I’m not sure our eyes met as much as bumped into each other, muttered a quick “excuse me”, and moved on. And the “magic in the air” may have just been the scent of suntan lotion mixed with Axe body spray and beer belches… but this is my memory, and I’ll cherish it as I please.

Her smile was a radiant thing, an incandescent display of lips and teeth that could burn the shadows from the darkest corners of a really dark place. A bolt of lightning that made the air around her crackle like a Doritos package in a quiet library.

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She moved her body with serpentine grace, her hips and shoulders seeming to operate independent of her other interesting bits. Her movements transcended the relative cacophony of the speaker system to write a music of their own, a sensual symphony complete with Parental Advisory sticker.

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Oh, and she had a sweet, sweet ass. Seriously, look at the thing. Damn.

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Alas, our moment was never meant to be more that that. We parted without the barbarity of words to trample the gentle field of our grace-borne passion, instead choosing to preserve this sliver of eternity in the frame of a camera’s quiet gaze.

Farewell, my precious. My dove.

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(This entry brought to you by the James Blunt School of Obsessive Hyper-Romanticism.)