Tag Archives: bikinis

miss-arkansas-alyse-eady

Miss Arkansas: A Disturbing, Slightly Arousing Closer Look

Alyse Eady: baby girl is so ripped, you'd think she's from Whitechapel.

As an Arkansan myself, it was interesting to discover both that Alyse Eady –Miss Arkansas– was first runner-up in Miss America 2011 the other night, and that she is crazy-hot. Emphasis on “crazy”, based upon the talent portion of the competition:

But wait… what makes this truly great isn’t that she thought it was a good idea to wager what amounts to her life’s work on fucking puppets. Nope. What takes her performance over the top and into the realm of the ineffably awesome is that she does it… a lot. Like, constantly. From what I can tell, whether you’re handing out bedazzled crowns or just need someone to show up for the grand opening of a fucking grocery store, this crazy bitch is gonna be there, both fists firmly ensconced in the felt-covered assholes of the Cookie Monster’s hillbilly cousins, ready to whip out a signature dance routine that combines the soul-numbing tedium of tap with the full-on retard charms of line-dancing.

I am in awe. I mean, holy shit. It’s as if she’s a sexy emissary from the far-flung future, sent back in time to show us what it will be like when humans evolve beyond shame. In an interview, she said this about taking up ventriloquism:

When I was 9 years old I saw a ventriloquist perform and just fell in love with it!  I checked out books from the public library to learn more about it.  My mom even purchased a book about Vonda Van Dyke, Miss America 1965, who was the first ventriloquist to appear on the Miss America stage.

So we’re clear, that’s like Chris Farley falling in love with SNL as a kid, reading everything he could about John Belushi, and then intentionally growing up to kill himself with Twinkies and cocaine, just like his hero. Dream big, kids!

Oh, and as a side-note, for those with an interest in off-season television shows where people spend three months every summer sleeping and comparing farts for your amusement, please note Alyse competed against (and defeated) Big Brother 12‘s Britney Haynes in the Miss Teen Arkansas pageant a few years back. Given how hot and funny Britney was –and how truly awful ventriloquism is– I can only assume Britney lost because her talent was setting crippled Lithuanian children on fire or something. There’s really no other explanation.

Yes, sadly, this is the sluttiest photo I could find of Britney Haynes.

Well, except this one.

...and maybe this one.

Pantsless girl in blue takes a photo of her own ass in a dressing room

Stimulus Package: Hot Chicks With Cameras Are Destroying The Economy

I do not know who this is, but whoever she is, she deserves an award for being that person. A throbbing, veiny award.

Throughout the recent election cycle, we heard a lot of debate about unemployment, tax cuts, and masturbating witches. Know what no one bothered to bring up? The shrinking marketplace for perverts with cameras.

Seriously, Taylor... Halloween is over, you can take it down a notch. Or take it up a few notches, and Charlie Sheen will lock you in a bathroom. Either way is good with me.

As little as twenty years ago, if you wanted a grainy, out-of-focus photo of a half-naked girl you didn’t know, you had to work for it. There was the planning, the equipment, the stakeouts at Forever 21, the bribes for mall security, the photography lessons at the Learning Annex that earned you both an Honorable Mention and your first restraining order… in short, it was a tough, rewarding job for men born with a rare mix of intense determination, copious free time, and erectile dysfunction. Being a real creep in those days called for hardy souls who approached the quest for solitary sexual gratification with all the professionalism of Taylor Momsen at a convention for Teen Zombie Prostitutes.

But now? Tch. The combination of mobile phone cameras and floor-length mirror technology has completely distorted the entire business. Chicks everywhere are defying tradition, cutting out the middle-man, and creating their own content.

And that content is itself a mixed bag. Sure, we’re seeing better poses, more smiles, and fewer ass-zits than in the old days, but something fundamental has been lost. Where’s the magic of those truly candid shots of yore, where a slightly chubby chick in panties a size too small indelicately picks a wad of nylon out of her butt? Where is the spontaneity of half-shaved legs and random tampon strings? Today’s stuff just isn’t the same:

This is Tonya Nerilie, @tonyaax3 on Twitter. And I love her. Not in the cheap, tawdry way I've loved other women and the occasional slow-moving sheep; this is real. We're like Romeo & Juliet, if Juliet rocked a perfect bikini and Romeo got fired from Taco Bell for getting high and eating all the chalupas.

Consider yourself warned, America: keep an eye on the beautiful women. While you were fretting over illegal immigration, another group of bronze-skinned, hard-working people who speak a foreign language (What the fuck’s a “Manolo Blahnik”? Does it come with cilantro?) was out there, taking our jobs. And unlike Mexicans, you can’t just build a wall around them to control their movements… the judge in my case was very clear about that.

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Natalia Paris Likes Bikinis & Apparently Watches Lots of Porn (NSFW)

Natalia Paris - Puerto Gaitan

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Natalia Paris is a Colombian bikini model. In fact, from what I can tell, she’s pretty much the bikini model, as far as Colombians are concerned. And here, I must bow to the wisdom –and potential national rage– of said Colombians… she fills out a two-piece as well as anyone on the planet, and I don’t need any mustachioed men from Medellin showing up at my door, ready to do to me what OJ said they did to Nicole.1

Among the many impressive bits about Natalia is that she’s not a teeny-bopper… mamacita is pushin’ 40, and pushin’ it well. I guess she’s not technically ready to be a cougar, but she’s a viable ocelot.

(Educational Note: In Colombia, the ocelot is known as a tigrillo, probably because it sounds like something you can smoke. Crazy-ass Colombians… there’s probably no part of their flora or fauna that they haven’t tried to smoke, snort, or sip.)

A bit off-topic here, but if I haven’t done it lately, I would just like to thank the universe for DailyMotion. Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in half the videos on DM, but at least they don’t quake in fear at the sight of tits and ass the way those repressed nerds at YouTube do. Depressing to think that the French are more American than America.

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But back to the ass at hand. For reasons not entirely clear, Natalia made a video wherein she gives a teddy bear an around the world. And I don’t know about you, but it feels awesome just to write that sentence.

There are some days that the web just makes me happy.

Oh, and check out Natalia on her Facebook fan page and her site.

teddy humpin’ via: Egotastic

  1. I believe absolutely, positively, 100% of everything OJ says. If I don’t, the fucker might stab me.

The Karissa Shannon Mystery Deepens (NSFW)

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It’s been non-stop for a few months now: everywhere I look, there’s Karissa Shannon in a bikini, Karissa Shannon letting her boyfriend expose her boob on the red carpet, Karissa Shannon flashing everyone an upskirt, Karissa Shannon pretending to be in a sex tape with Heidi Montag, Karissa Shannon really making a sex tape with the aforementioned boyfriend, or Karissa Shannon studying for her PhD. (Not everyone knows this, but it’s simply a coincidence that Karissa studying looks strikingly like Karissa on all fours with her ass jacked up in the fashion of an under-aged Thai prostitute outside a naval base during shore-leave.)

Know what I haven’t seen? Kristina Shannon. Where the fuck is the other Shannon twin? I have no answers, but I do have theories.

  • THE MURDER SWITCHEROO: Geena & Sunny Han were smoking hot twin sisters, co-valedictorians in high school, and thoroughly messed up by their mother. Geena was jealous of Sunny –who was marginally, precariously more successful– and eventually decided to kill her and assume Sunny’s identity. This did not work out so well, given that Geena was that really dumb sort of smart, where you assume even your bad ideas are okay, ’cause you’re so much brighter than everyone else. It’s possible that Karissa has attempted this with Kristina, although it’s worth pointing out that Karissa and Kristina aren’t as identical as Geena and Sunny, and, well, Karissa is actually the dumb sort of dumb, where you have a bad idea, giggle, and then get really sleepy. PLAUSIBILITY: 10%

  • THE LOHAN MANEUVER: Was there only one Shannon to begin with, and it was all just a trick… like The Parent Trap, where Lindsay Lohan played dual roles as twins? Granted, it’s a little different, since Karissa isn’t a herpes-ridden ginger… she’s a natural brunette. But if you think about it, with Photoshop and CG, you could fool a lotta people. And at this point in his life, you could fool Hef with a blow-up doll and a handful of hard candy. An alternate version of this theory posits that Karissa/Kristina are two personalities inhabiting the same body, locked in an eternal struggle for control over the host vagina. Having seen the vagina in question, I could definitely understand going all Highlander over it. PLAUSIBILITY: 15%

  • THE CANNIBALISTIC SUPERVILLAIN OPTION: In the womb, a twin will sometimes die and be absorbed by the survivor, a really gross thing that doctors call Vanishing Twin Syndrome.1 What those fancy-pants doctors won’t tell you is that the surviving half of a VTS case also absorbs the other’s soul, giving her unspeakable power over time and space, along with enhanced senses and an overwhelming compulsion to spin around in circles shouting “Can you see up my dress?” (Which, as it turns out, imbues her with unspeakable power over penises.) It’s possible that Karissa has sacrificed Kristina on the altar of some dark god, in an attempt to reabsorb the other half of her sexiness. It could happen; it’s gotta be cheaper than a boob job. PLAUSIBILITY: 20%

  • THE TRIBAL-BIMBO TRANSPLANT: It may be no coincidence that Karissa’s ascendence as Publicly Visible Twin coincides roughly with the unveiling of the 2010 Montag Convertible.  The Yoruba people of southwestern Nigeria believe that twins are sacred, and if one dies, its soul must be transferred into a tree, from which a totemic figurine is carved and kept as part of the family. What if Kristina simply died as the result of an accidental semen overdose, and lacking a handy tree, Karissa used ancient African rituals to transfer her sisters’ mind and soul into the nearest inanimate, semi-organic object: Heidi. This would also totally explain Heidi’s emerging fascination with crystals and her hasty separation from The Douche That Walks Like A Man. PLAUSIBILITY: ALMOST DEFINITELY CERTAIN%

Like I said, I have no answers here, only questions and a scrotum made of kevlar. But I think it’s important that we always probe the darkness for the Light of Truth, even if we occasionally stick our hands in the Icky Stuff of Doubt in the process. It’s the least we owe Kristina Shannon.2

NOTE: Some might argue that this photo of the twins making out --taken last month at one of Hef's parties-- debunks my entire "Kristina Shannon has been mystically bound within the form of a big-titted mannequin from LA at the hands of her sorceress sister" theory from the get-go. And you might be right, but I'm way too high to care right now.

  1. You really don’t want to click that link. Or maybe you do, sicko.
  2. Well, technically, I owe her for a half a bag of weed and a blowjob she gave me behind a 7-11 a couple years ago. But you only owe her the search for truth thing.

American Idol’s Bikini Girl Emerges Briefly From Hibernation

Let’s go down the list here:

  • Bikini: check.
  • Tits juicy: check.
  • Ass not-so-juicy: check.

  • Calculated imitation of “having fun”: check.
  • Desperately bidding for random attention due to father issues: check.
  • Wearing heels to the beach like she’s giving out $5 handys: check.

  • Still not getting paid a fucking dime to hold a mic and screech into it: check.

Yup, we have a confirmed Katrina Darrell sighting here, folks. It amazes me she hasn’t yet managed to fuck her way into some sort of year-round employment, but I gu– wait, what is that? What the hell?! Enhance that photo!

More! Give me more resolution!

Damn you, this is important! Do your fucking job and enhance!

Sweet crackery Jesus! Run, Bikini Girl, run! It needs to feed on your life force to survive!

hat tip: The Grumpiest

Kristina Rose: My New(d) Cleaning Lady (NSFW)

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If you’ve spent any time around here, you’ve probably seen photos of Kristina Rose. I adore her. Super much. She is just… she’s tops, man. The best. A Rose by any other name would smell like feet. And this is why:

She's a porn chick who is gorgeous-and-yet-phenomenally filthy. She's gorgilthy.

She spends almost all of her free time high on ganja. Seriously. If she's not working, her Twitter status will usually feature the words "smoking up now".

She has kewl friends, many of them naked.

She's a funny little thing. Maybe it's the pot, but she always seems to be either laughing or trying to make someone else laugh. (Okay, yeah, it's probably the pot.)

One of the most expressive faces on earth, doth she possess.

She's a healthy eater.

She gives spectacular Twitpic. 'Nuff said.

In one of her movies, she's out for Santa's blood when he puts her on his Naughty List. (Her crime? Blowing the drive-through guy in exchange for a super-size on her value meal. Her defense? "Duh, it's a recession.") In the process of seeking vengeance, she physically assaults a female elf at the North Pole by first choking said elf and then beating up her butt cheeks. As plots go, that beats The Expendables.

She collects gnomes and wears funky socks.

And now we have a hip-hop video from King Fantastic, wherein she demonstrates her cleaning skills.

I’m tellin’ ya, if she could poop Xbox games, she’d be perfect. Follow Kristina Rose on Twitter.

hat tip: Audioporn Central

Khloe Kardashian Poses A Fascinating Question

On a recent episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the following exchange took place between sisters Kim and Khloe, during the latter’s laser hair removal treatment:

Kim: “You have a better, like, looking vagina than I thought.”

Khloe: “What? What did you think my vagina was going to look like?”

This was my guess:

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I dunno about you, but after that, I need a palate cleanser. Ladies and gentlemen, Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini:

hat tip: Huffington Post/via: F-Listed

Dear Cosmo: Go Trim Your Bush, Hippies! (NSFW)

Yes, this cover is implying that beneath that little dress, an enormous, post-natal afro lurks.

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No. Absolutely no. No on so many levels I cannot count them in the space and time allotted. No fucking way.

First, there is nothing sexy about untamed bush, ladies. This is not 1968, I’m not tripping balls on acid, and thus your massive mound of pubic underbrush isn’t entertainingly groovy. Also, I don’t like my women to walk around with a bulge in their Hello Kitty panties. Call me quirky. And straight.

This photo is only made possible by the twin miracles of laser hair removal and silicone implants. Thanks, science!

Second, vagina is beautiful. Gorgeous. Epic. I mean, sure, there’s the occasional uggo out there, but for the most part, I likey. Covering it up is a crime against everything wonderful in this world. Every time someone misses her appointment for a Brazilian wax, an angel gets his heavenly junk punched.

You know what else needs a hairless kitty? Low pants.

Finally, the most significant question: you want Cosmo’s idea of style, or you want my tongue on your bean? According to recent surveys, today’s ladies are all about receiving the oral lovin’, and sisters, I can provide for your needs… as long as I can find all the parts. I want to have sex with you, not go on a fucking safari like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Womb.

Do you want hair in your beer? No, I didn't think so.

In short, if you insist on giving your mound a beard, please feel free to stick a cigar in its mouth, too, ’cause that’s the only penetration it’s gonna get.

If she had followed Cosmo's advice, a classic internet photo would have never happened.

P.S. “But what about dudes? Why don’t you have to shave/wax/laser?” Two answers:

  1. We will, if you’d like.
  2. You won’t ask more than once, after you see how stupid a penis looks without a fur collar.

P.P.S. Okay, fine. You can leave a thin layer of hair up top, for decorative purposes. I’m okay with that. But in exchange, get to waxing those buttholes!

hat tip: ForgetFoo

Spring Break: 10 Seconds To Impress The Audience (NSFW)

[video src="http://beforepartb.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/spinnakerbikinicontesttitflash.m4v" width="580" height="420"]

There are many things here that impressed me, even as I shot it. The tits, of course, but more than that.

  1. The really big girl, who gamely decided to start unzipping her pants. Just how drunk would she have needed to be to go through with it? And how drunk would the crowd need to be to cheer her on? And how long would it take me to forget?
  2. The super-skinny chick on the left, who –when outgunned by all the tits and ass on display– decided to break it down old school. “Old school” meaning, in this context, “like a twitching seizure victim watching an old episode of Pokemon.”
  3. The emcee, who managed to be reach previously unexplored heights of dochedom by actually scolding girls for flashing their tits. Prick.