Category Archives: NSFW Fun

Not Safe For Work. Unless you work in a strip club, in which case, quick question: how do you get glitter and DNA out of a pair of pants?

Sexy Or Racist? You Decide!

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Samantha Jane Redman | Photography by Arny Freytag

I have a problem. See, despite what my therapist at Dr. Zavier’s School for Unnecessary Children told me as a kid, I’m not a completely horrible piece of putrid, sub-human waste, made ambulatory only through the machinations of a hateful God. I’m an okay person. Not good, not bad. I have never punched anyone in the boob more than once,  I never take the time to moon homeless people anymore, and if I ever give a waiter a bad tip, you can rest assured that I didn’t stiff him just because he was a big homo. Like I said, I’m okay.

This photo from an Australian Playboy photo-shoot makes me wonder, though. For example, I wonder why the guy on the right has a torso that looks like it’s angry with me, while the other one seems so aloof? Is it the nipples? Does this mean some nipples are more intimidating than others? Isn’t there a saying about nipples being gateways to the soul? If not, should I trademark it as a slogan and launch a chain of strip-mall piercing salons called NipCrafters? It’s like the questions go on forever. But abrasive aboriginal abdomens aside, there is one issue that rises above them all.

Can anyone see a non-racist way to get a boner over this photo?

Now, I’m not asking if the photo itself is racist, nor if the photographer or models were racists. We can’t know, and besides, who cares? None of that has anything to do with me, and things that have nothing to do with me have been proven in laboratory tests to be 100% less interesting than everything else in the universe. Also, I’m not talking about simply admiring the photo on an aesthetic level; it’s hardly unpleasant to the eye and seems competently crafted, after all.

But to get it up, to beat off to it? A white, American male like me? It feels weird. And not the good weird, like Nic Cage in Raising Arizona. It’s more like Nic Cage in real life, with a side of Mel Gibson. The image seems too loaded, at least in my cultural context.

Is it just me?

home made fleshlight

Roll-Your-Own Fleshlight, Lose-Your-Own Dignity (NSFW)

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Are you lonely? Sexually frustrated? Has life let you down? Are you at the point where you can see yourself fucking a Pringles can full of cleaning supplies? If so, then here’s a photographic walkthrough for constructing your own disembodied vagina. With just a few minutes of effort and the complete eradication of every last molecule of pride, you too can be humping away at something that looks like a boxer’s left ear wrapped in a condom.

Or you could just buy a Fleshlight, which offers a number of significant advantages over the DIY approach to doing yourself:

  1. No embarrassing questions from the housekeeper about why you’ve named her sponges “Lola” and “Trixie”.
  2. Slightly decreased chance that you’ll experience unwanted erections at work when the janitor walks by.
  3. Jaundice isn’t a good look for genitals.
  4. Psychologically speaking, it’s only a short stroll from screwing a homemade cleanser-cooter in your kitchen to raping Elmo in the toy aisle at Walmart.
  5. Bareback, baby!

Plus, Fleshlights are molded from the cockpits of porn stars:

Tori Black: one of those classic, too-pretty-for-porn girls who go ahead and do porn anyway. It's like if Stephen Hawking said "fuck it" and went to work as a high school physics teacher. Only with more anal.

Jenna Haze demonstrates what it would be like if she had an albino conjoined twin that was made entirely of pussy and asshole. Kinda like my dad.

I adore Teagan Pressley, but I don't care for her tat sleeve. I mean, she's quite lovely and adorable, until that one time you glance down and it looks like you're getting a hand-job from Dave Navarro. No one but Perry Farrell wants that.

In case you didn't get enough of Riley Steele in Piranha 3D, now you can take her Fleshlight down to the lake and pretend you found some bits the fish didn't want. You sick fucker.

(Hat tip to John, who has to make his custom fuck-puppets out of old sofa cushions and a 55 gallon drum.)

Hulk Figure Gets Some Action! (NSFW)

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Pictured: the seldom-seen --but always impressive-- Gamma-Powered Reverse Motorboat.

“Hey there, baby!”

“Hey, giant naked lady.”

“What’s your name, little man?”

“I am Hulk! Hulk is strongest one there is!”

“Oooo, I just bet you are! You wanna have a good time?”

“Hulk smash! Hulk likes to smash!”

“That works for me, honey. You can smash with me all night long!”

“Hulk is confused. Purple pants getting tighter. Hulk feels… dirty. And Hulk likes it.”

“Get your sexy green ass over here, Hulkie…!”

“Wait, doesn’t Hulk need to wear protection…?”

“For where you’re going, you’d need a mining helmet and wetsuit.”

“Hulk is scared now.”

via: obsexxed

Candice Swanepoel (8)

Candice Swanepoel Takes Me On A Naked Jungle Adventure (NSFW)

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One look at a nude Candice Swanepoel, and I’m instantly transported; it’s like she’s a York Peppermint Pattie1, only instead of whisking me away to a frozen, lonely mountaintop, I’m dropped into a humid, Amazonian fuckscape of sensual mystery and malaria nipples. Unfortunately, Russell James’ photography goes the delicately out-of-focus and grainy route, leaving me feeling less a manly, loincloth-shredding, Tarzanian sex beast, and more a lonely, pantsless guy hiding in a tree 100 yards away with a telephoto lens and a moist sock.

Which means he’s captured my essence, really. Way to go, Russell.

Dick.

(via: Hot Celebs)

  1. Please note that –all comparisons of Candy to candy aside– the author recommends against actually biting Ms. Swanepoel without prior, written consent. With that said, I have reason to believe she tastes like happy. ↩
Hercules 9 screen capture

Video via Mad Libs: Seizure-Inducing, Boobtastic, Tranny-Flaunting Fashionistas (NSFW)

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I don’t know if this video has an audience much broader than arty fashion mavens and carnival sideshow fetishists. (Hi, Uncle Keith!) But I feel confident in saying that if you are a cross-dressing, amyl nitrite-huffing, Madonna-loving homosexual with epilepsy, director Luca Finotti and your genes have just put you in the middle of an emotional Mexican standoff.

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Guitar Heroine: The Greatest Musical Instrument Sex Video Ever (NSFW)

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WARNING: This video depicts fictional sexual violence. A non-consenting guitar is fondled, thrown forcibly on to a bed, ravaged, and then thrown away like so much refuse. Please remember, kids: not being able to say no, means no.

The awesome thing about a video like this is how it does a terrible job of promoting the actual song (030 by The Good The Bad), and yet no one cares. This is because there are two absolute truths about music video production:

  1. Aspiring filmmakers hang around bands and musicians knowing that someday, they will have a legitimate excuse for paying a hot girl to get naked in front of their cameras. No one ever cares about the music in such a video, but it may get the filmmaker some nookie that’s way out of his league, and will definitely give him something for his demo reel that he’ll watch again and again, usually with the lights off, doors locked, and tissues at hand.
  2. Musicians tolerate this abuse of their musical genius because they get to sit around on set, smoke weed, and watch all the nakedness without being asked to do anything. After all, spending your days high, horny, and lazy is the baseline goal of everyone who ever formed a band.

Clare Grant: There’s More To Seth Green’s Wife Than Lightsaber Nipples (NSFW)

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Let’s be very clear about something: I resent Seth Green. First, there’s the obvious: he made Without A Paddle, for which he will endure a well-deserved season in hell. I’m also bitter about his talent, since I firmly believe hairless Ewoks should stick to playing in trees and stop making the rest of us feel bad for under-achieving despite our robust height and relatively massive genitalia. But most significantly, I resent him for marrying Clare Grant; in a world that contains an available –and given his hair and her skin, color-coordinated– Snooki, why poach the good chicks? It’s just rude, is what I’m saying.

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I've got a Facebook friend with a nearly identical head shot. Ah, Hollywood... a land where women never have right ears.

And believe me, I would marry Clare Grant in his place. She’s distinctively gorgeous, has ridiculously hypnotic eyes, and is completely unashamed of her busy genre-sploitation acting career. Hell, from what I can see, she actively embraces it. That implies the sort of down-to-earthiness that would appreciate my sense of whimsy1 and tendency to cry after sex.2

My impotent rage and potent sexuality aside, this is where I point out that the delightful Clare has been in the dorknews of late because she rounded up some sexy friends and Chris Griffin’s less-suave alter-ego to make this video:

Now, in general, I’m not a geek-girl sycophant; these days, we’re supposed to fall all over ourselves the second a pretty lady confesses her love for Alan Moore, but I’m not havin’ it. Why the fuck would anyone act like this is a big deal? Alan Moore is a batshit-crazy genius, and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t appreciate his work. I’m not going to give you extra Life Points for simply resisting the urge to let your physical beauty overwhelm your good taste.

Life Objective #4,287: Somehow convince Clare to wear this outfit while making me a sandwich. Life Objective #4,288: Get Katy Perry to wear the same thing while feeding me the sandwich. Life Objective #4,289: Talk to a shrink about why my fantasies involve sandwiches rather than my penis playing "Destroy the Death Star" with Clare's cervix.

But I do award Life Points for brazenly being who you are, having fun with it, and not making excuses. That is hot, in oh-so-many ways. And by that standard, Clare’s score is about to roll over like the odometer in a 1972 Duster.

Someone has excellent posture. Also, boobs. And a skilled aesthetician, by the look of things.

Interesting side-note: despite the Geek Girls video’s popularity, I believe people are missing out on the real gem in her online filmography:

That’s just art, that is.

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Yeah, fuck you, Green; you're the Billy Joel of poultry-oriented android shows, and one day you'll get yours. Which, if history is any indication, will involve lots of money and hot babes. So... fuck you twice!

Oh, and Clare, seriously love… have you delved deeply into your beau’s oeuvre?3 I’m just puttin’ it out there; this is how your offspring will turn out:

So do us all a favor: if you’re determined to stay with him, at least keep Seth as far from your womb as possible. (I’ve got some really tiny crime scene tape if you’d like to borrow it.) And if you absolutely must turn to a young star of Can’t Buy Me Love to ruin this majestic perfection:

…at least give Patrick Dempsey a call. Worst case scenario, your kid will wait until he’s thirty, and then turn into a stud.

follow Clare: @claregrant
Clare’s website: ClareGrant.com
The Devil’s Taint: @sethgreen

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  1. “Whimsy” is what broke people rely upon when they want to take a vacation but can’t afford to leave the back yard. ↩
  2. I’m just so good at it, I feel like I need to weep in gratitude. ↩
  3. And if so, what kind of lubricant did you use? ↩
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Natalia Paris Likes Bikinis & Apparently Watches Lots of Porn (NSFW)

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Natalia Paris - Puerto Gaitan

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Natalia Paris is a Colombian bikini model. In fact, from what I can tell, she’s pretty much the bikini model, as far as Colombians are concerned. And here, I must bow to the wisdom –and potential national rage– of said Colombians… she fills out a two-piece as well as anyone on the planet, and I don’t need any mustachioed men from Medellin showing up at my door, ready to do to me what OJ said they did to Nicole.1

Among the many impressive bits about Natalia is that she’s not a teeny-bopper… mamacita is pushin’ 40, and pushin’ it well. I guess she’s not technically ready to be a cougar, but she’s a viable ocelot.

(Educational Note: In Colombia, the ocelot is known as a tigrillo, probably because it sounds like something you can smoke. Crazy-ass Colombians… there’s probably no part of their flora or fauna that they haven’t tried to smoke, snort, or sip.)

A bit off-topic here, but if I haven’t done it lately, I would just like to thank the universe for DailyMotion. Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in half the videos on DM, but at least they don’t quake in fear at the sight of tits and ass the way those repressed nerds at YouTube do. Depressing to think that the French are more American than America.

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But back to the ass at hand. For reasons not entirely clear, Natalia made a video wherein she gives a teddy bear an around the world. And I don’t know about you, but it feels awesome just to write that sentence.

There are some days that the web just makes me happy.

Oh, and check out Natalia on her Facebook fan page and her site.

teddy humpin’ via: Egotastic

  1. I believe absolutely, positively, 100% of everything OJ says. If I don’t, the fucker might stab me. ↩

The Karissa Shannon Mystery Deepens (NSFW)

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It’s been non-stop for a few months now: everywhere I look, there’s Karissa Shannon in a bikini, Karissa Shannon letting her boyfriend expose her boob on the red carpet, Karissa Shannon flashing everyone an upskirt, Karissa Shannon pretending to be in a sex tape with Heidi Montag, Karissa Shannon really making a sex tape with the aforementioned boyfriend, or Karissa Shannon studying for her PhD. (Not everyone knows this, but it’s simply a coincidence that Karissa studying looks strikingly like Karissa on all fours with her ass jacked up in the fashion of an under-aged Thai prostitute outside a naval base during shore-leave.)

Know what I haven’t seen? Kristina Shannon. Where the fuck is the other Shannon twin? I have no answers, but I do have theories.

  • THE MURDER SWITCHEROO: Geena & Sunny Han were smoking hot twin sisters, co-valedictorians in high school, and thoroughly messed up by their mother. Geena was jealous of Sunny –who was marginally, precariously more successful– and eventually decided to kill her and assume Sunny’s identity. This did not work out so well, given that Geena was that really dumb sort of smart, where you assume even your bad ideas are okay, ’cause you’re so much brighter than everyone else. It’s possible that Karissa has attempted this with Kristina, although it’s worth pointing out that Karissa and Kristina aren’t as identical as Geena and Sunny, and, well, Karissa is actually the dumb sort of dumb, where you have a bad idea, giggle, and then get really sleepy. PLAUSIBILITY: 10%

  • THE LOHAN MANEUVER: Was there only one Shannon to begin with, and it was all just a trick… like The Parent Trap, where Lindsay Lohan played dual roles as twins? Granted, it’s a little different, since Karissa isn’t a herpes-ridden ginger… she’s a natural brunette. But if you think about it, with Photoshop and CG, you could fool a lotta people. And at this point in his life, you could fool Hef with a blow-up doll and a handful of hard candy. An alternate version of this theory posits that Karissa/Kristina are two personalities inhabiting the same body, locked in an eternal struggle for control over the host vagina. Having seen the vagina in question, I could definitely understand going all Highlander over it. PLAUSIBILITY: 15%

  • THE CANNIBALISTIC SUPERVILLAIN OPTION: In the womb, a twin will sometimes die and be absorbed by the survivor, a really gross thing that doctors call Vanishing Twin Syndrome.1 What those fancy-pants doctors won’t tell you is that the surviving half of a VTS case also absorbs the other’s soul, giving her unspeakable power over time and space, along with enhanced senses and an overwhelming compulsion to spin around in circles shouting “Can you see up my dress?” (Which, as it turns out, imbues her with unspeakable power over penises.) It’s possible that Karissa has sacrificed Kristina on the altar of some dark god, in an attempt to reabsorb the other half of her sexiness. It could happen; it’s gotta be cheaper than a boob job. PLAUSIBILITY: 20%

  • THE TRIBAL-BIMBO TRANSPLANT: It may be no coincidence that Karissa’s ascendence as Publicly Visible Twin coincides roughly with the unveiling of the 2010 Montag Convertible.  The Yoruba people of southwestern Nigeria believe that twins are sacred, and if one dies, its soul must be transferred into a tree, from which a totemic figurine is carved and kept as part of the family. What if Kristina simply died as the result of an accidental semen overdose, and lacking a handy tree, Karissa used ancient African rituals to transfer her sisters’ mind and soul into the nearest inanimate, semi-organic object: Heidi. This would also totally explain Heidi’s emerging fascination with crystals and her hasty separation from The Douche That Walks Like A Man. PLAUSIBILITY: ALMOST DEFINITELY CERTAIN%

Like I said, I have no answers here, only questions and a scrotum made of kevlar. But I think it’s important that we always probe the darkness for the Light of Truth, even if we occasionally stick our hands in the Icky Stuff of Doubt in the process. It’s the least we owe Kristina Shannon.2

NOTE: Some might argue that this photo of the twins making out --taken last month at one of Hef's parties-- debunks my entire "Kristina Shannon has been mystically bound within the form of a big-titted mannequin from LA at the hands of her sorceress sister" theory from the get-go. And you might be right, but I'm way too high to care right now.

  1. You really don’t want to click that link. Or maybe you do, sicko. ↩
  2. Well, technically, I owe her for a half a bag of weed and a blowjob she gave me behind a 7-11 a couple years ago. But you only owe her the search for truth thing. ↩
model in red outfit, sheer top, breasts visible

The Link Parts Are… Giant Fishy!

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