I have a problem. See, despite what my therapist at Dr. Zavier’s School for Unnecessary Children told me as a kid, I’m not a completely horrible piece of putrid, sub-human waste, made ambulatory only through the machinations of a hateful God. I’m an okay person. Not good, not bad. I have never punched anyone in the boob more than once, I never take the time to moon homeless people anymore, and if I ever give a waiter a bad tip, you can rest assured that I didn’t stiff him just because he was a big homo. Like I said, I’m okay.
This photo from an Australian Playboy photo-shoot makes me wonder, though. For example, I wonder why the guy on the right has a torso that looks like it’s angry with me, while the other one seems so aloof? Is it the nipples? Does this mean some nipples are more intimidating than others? Isn’t there a saying about nipples being gateways to the soul? If not, should I trademark it as a slogan and launch a chain of strip-mall piercing salons called NipCrafters? It’s like the questions go on forever. But abrasive aboriginal abdomens aside, there is one issue that rises above them all.
Can anyone see a non-racist way to get a boner over this photo?
Now, I’m not asking if the photo itself is racist, nor if the photographer or models were racists. We can’t know, and besides, who cares? None of that has anything to do with me, and things that have nothing to do with me have been proven in laboratory tests to be 100% less interesting than everything else in the universe. Also, I’m not talking about simply admiring the photo on an aesthetic level; it’s hardly unpleasant to the eye and seems competently crafted, after all.
But to get it up, to beat off to it? A white, American male like me? It feels weird. And not the good weird, like Nic Cage in Raising Arizona. It’s more like Nic Cage in real life, with a side of Mel Gibson. The image seems too loaded, at least in my cultural context.
Is it just me?