Your Dog & Your Cervix: Seriously, Just Don’t Go There

I know you're tempted. After all, he seems like a good boy. But before long, you'll see that he never calls his mother and hasn't had a job in forever. Then where will you be? Sitting alone with way too many jars of peanut butter, that's where.

In a tragic case of too much information, it has been revealed that an Irish woman paused long enough between drunken blackouts and unplanned pregnancies to live out a fantasy and have intercourse with a German Shepherd, only to die immediately afterward from an allergic reaction. It’s just like those people who die eating their first peanut, except with animal genitals.

Putting aside my journalistic objectivity for a moment, I must say that I feel awful for this poor woman. I mean, how was she supposed to know she was allergic to dog jizz? I’ve filled out lots of medical history forms at the doctor’s office, and I don’t recall anyone asking about it. Can you even get tested? Like, where they cover your back with little pinpricks, and one of them is labeled “Terrier Taffy”? Plus, even if there is a test, will insurance pay for it, and how do you bring it up with your insurance agent? I think I’d feel judged.

Speaking of awkward conversations, is it a genetic thing you can inherit? If so, isn’t there an ethical obligation for a mother to tell her daughter that she’s a carrier? You wouldn’t want her learning it on the street, or in some alley behind a kennel somewhere, right? It’s difficult to imagine the ways this would challenge affected parents. The first time your little girl brings home a stray, do you scold her, or calmly sit her down with a copy of Our Doggies, Our Selves and answer her questions? Do you write angry letters to your local TV station to protest their over-sexualization of children with their Scooby-Doo re-runs? It all seems so terribly complicated.

As far as the public health ramifications go, does this mean there are entire families of women carrying the gene for this allergy, walking around like bestiality bombs, primed to go off if they get too close to hound cock? Or worse, are all women allergic? Is this something that’s been kept from us? Because it sounds like something someone would keep quiet… the CDC maybe, or the ASPCA. Probably because they didn’t want al-Qaeda to get wind of it; I hear there are camps in the mountains of Pakistan where sleeper dogs are being trained by terrorist handlers to infiltrate our nation’s network of commie-liberal animal shelters. They’re tracking them by watching for large online orders of Milk Bones and Astroglide.

More news as it breaks.

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