Pictured: Julianne Hough laughs light-heartedly as she shows off her favorite holiday gift: a fully-articulated, fully-closeted, 1/3 scale action figure made entirely of money and spray-tan juice.

Jesus, what does that bedroom scene look like? In my mind’s eye, I envision some perverted Tim Burton nightmare where a rich hobbit with a grudge against Brian Dunkleman is running circles around a naked ballerina in a cowboy hat. What I enhear in my mind’s ear is this:

RS: “Baby, can I get a little tonight?”

JH: “I’m having my period.”

RS: “Ew. And irrelevant for my purposes.”

JH: “Fine, I’ll get the lube. But I’m not wearing the hair shirt tonight.”

RS: “You totally have to. It’s James Franco night!”

JH: “When do we get to have ‘fuck the sexy dancer’ night?”

RS: “As soon as you bring home your brother.”

Aaaaand… scene. Here’s a video you’ll watch with the volume turned down: