kinky house

For Sale: Cozy Cottage (Sexual Predators Welcome)

The rough, uneven yard and soft soil is ideal for inconspicuous night-time digging.

Some say home is where the heart is. Others say home is where you hang your hat. I say home is where you bury the hearts of your victims after fashioning their skins into a collection of festive chapeaux. I guess everyone really does have something in common, if you look close enough.

With that in mind, this Grayland, WA property should tickle the fancy of just about anyone; conveniently located within walking distance of Washington State’s beautiful, rock-strewn, overcast beaches of melancholic doom, it has all the makings of a delightful vacay getaway, or a seemingly abandoned, subtly enticing flop house for succulent runaways.

Included: Locking cage, flogging bench, sex swing, and medieval stocks. Not included: Taser, zip-ties, and map to the homes of single women in the neighborhood.

Fully furnished, the cottage can immediately provide for the needs of you and your guests. whether the occasion calls for dining, conversation, or man-sized cages filled with bondage equipment. New in the area with no friends? Not a problem! The local homeless community can provide you with a pool of companions rich in life experience but poor in foot speed and reaction time. Invite someone over for a relaxing couple hours in front of your new home’s 27″ television, or make your own entertainment with a Roofie Colada, the included, sturdily-attached sex swing, and your innate lack of conscience. Before long, you’ll have more visitors than you have space under the floorboards!

Outside, you’ll find a number of other delightful features. There’s a large spot available for parking an RV, or setting up a bouncy castle to help get acquainted with the neighborhood kids. There’s also a raised, covered deck that can hold as many as fifteen children, one adult in a filthy clown costume, and a large box of wine. And I’m sure you’ll find the space under the deck perfect for storing those forgotten Schwinn and Huffy bicycles that always seem to accumulate around the house.

Feel free to instruct your imported Filipina sex slave in reading and writing, but just remember that the letters "h", "e", "l", and "p" should be taught with care.

But don’t think for a second that the excitement for the little ones stops outside! Inside, when they tire of playtime on the flogging bench or hours spent in the hand-crafted, medieval stocks, they can practice memorizing the new names you’ve given them by writing on the classroom-sized chalkboard. Nothing beats the doldrums of a rainy day in captivity at the hands of a menacing  stranger better than a little creative, educational fun!

Frankly, I think this place is a steal at the asking price of just $139,900. Just remember to always ask the local cops and FBI agents to take off their shoes when searching your residence; stains on the carpeting will absolutely kill your resale.

(Thanks for spotting this affordable chamber of horrors goes out to John, who knows where all the bodies are buried.)

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