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Jezebel has posted an early review of Machete from one of their readers, and it has completely changed my mind about seeing this movie.

[Lindsay Lohan's] nude almost the whole time (except for the “nun with a gun” scene), and she has a videotaped ménage à trois with her mother (not Dina) and Danny Trejo in a pool.

Apparently, not only does LiLo’s character do it with her mom, but her dad longs to get in on the action, too. My first thought upon reading this: how hard did Dina and Michael lobby to get those parts? My second: since she’s clearly up for it, does anyone have a spare $5,000 I can borrow so I can pay Lindsay to star as herself in my upcoming trilogy of sappho-erotic, incest-soaked, Lindsay Lohan fanfic films? And how long ’til her sister turns eighteen?

Seriously, whoever is marketing the flick... you need to use the Jezebel review in your promo material. It's gold.

The only way this movie could be more perfectly on-the-nose would be if Michelle Rodriguez is introduced twenty minutes in and completely screws up the story, Jessica Alba’s character is pretty but always hopelessly out of her depth, and Bobby DeNiro is playing a bored old whore who’ll do anything for a dollar.

Anyway, that does it; I will see Machete in a theater now. I may even wear a raincoat. Although if I bump into Paul Reubens and he’s wearing the same outfit, I will just die!

UPDATE: Those jezebels lied to me! Apparently, the perversity is all there, but a naked Lohan is not. I feel so, so… used.