Richard Dreyfuss –who has clearly decided that movies about killer fish is a niche he needs to cultivate– is in the new Piranha 3D, but that’s not really important. What’s important is Riley Steele. It may not be a thespian tour de force like Dreyfuss in Moon Over Parador, but I expect Riley’s non-pornular role in P3D to thoroughly satisfy the part of my brain that enjoys watching improbably hot, soaked chicks get eaten. Which, interestingly enough, is the same part of my brain that likes watching Riley in her day job. And on Twitter:
Riley Steele, owner of the best ass and second-most celebrated set of boobs in Piranha 3D, demonstrates the much-loved Waist-Twisting, Booty-Popping, Underwear-Malfunctioning Twitpic Pose. Now if only medical science can find a way to fix that hand growing out of her armpit, she'll be perfect.
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If I were an agent in Hollywood –and I should be, since taking 10% of someone else’s income for doing absolutely nothing sounds right up my alley– I’d spend all my time in Porn Valley, recruiting talent for mainstream movies. Pornstars are perfect for today’s entertainment business. Think about it.
Seriously, Riley... you're gonna throw your back out. On the upside, you'll be the hottest person at the chiropractor.
- No P.R. worries. Your client makes a sex tape? Just smile and negotiate the marketing rights. Your client flashes her cooch on the red carpet? Congratulate her on the artistic choice to avoid panties. Your client is spotted stumbling drunk out of an L.A. nightclub and getting finger-banged in the back seat of a BMW by Justin Bieber? Hire a team of bodyguards to protect her from the inevitable teen girl commando units that will be hunting her, and get back to your golf game.
- Tolerance for shitty working conditions. Yeah, Kate Winslet went through hell making Titanic, floating in a giant tank of water for months while James Cameron made sure her heart would go on… but did she get even a single load of spooge in her eyeball? I think not. Was she slapped in the face with a penis as big as a baby’s arm? Leo wishes. Did anyone pee on her? Not directly, but a pool’s a pool, man.
- They’re pretty. Seriously, you can hire Kristen Stewart, who can’t act and looks like a pale, angry pixie with a stubborn yeast infection, or you can hire a porn girl, who may or may not be able to act, but will be fucking gorgeous and won’t even blink when you spend half the shooting schedule getting nothing but ass and cleavage footage.
Riley's ass speaks the truth. And that's for reals, yo.
Hell, even standing still and trying to smile while a legion of brain-dead paparazzi shout at her isn’t vaguely the most annoying thing a porn chick has to endure during her workday. After all, what’s the only thing that smells worse than a Albanian paparazzo sweltering in the sun for four hours? Well, how do you think Seymore Butts smells?
Anyhoo… back to Riley and Piranha. Here she is in an Oscar promotion for the movie; I don’t think this campaign will actually make it more likely to win an Academy Award, but between Riley, Jessica Szohr, and Kelly Brook, the chances of me taking off my pants in front of the computer just went up to 100%.
And you’ll also find a flash of her in this here trailer for Pirates II, a porno that brags about how expensive it was to make. Which makes sense, given that porn doesn’t usually require a big outlay on costumes.
In closing, I hope you’ll all join me in wishing Riley the best of luck with her mainstream career, her porn career, and (marrymeriley) anything (iloveyouriley) else (iwanttowearyourvaginalikeaskimaskriley) that might subliminally occur to her.
