Folks, we are all fucking doomed.
In the last few months I have discovered a new passion and new purpose to my life. With this in mind, I have decided to take a break from my obligations to MTV’s The Hills and discontinue filming any more episodes for this current season.
Upon learning of President Obama’s declaration that the “cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,” I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges.
My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.
I just–! There’s so much–! Should… have sent… a poet…
- “I have discovered” that my wife has gone batshit insane.
- With this move, Spencer has blazed a dramatic and vital trail. Next up: the cast of Big Bang Theory goes to work for the Department of Defense!
- Please note that Spencer’s “full resources” amount to a half-carton of smokes and a Ziploc of Heidi’s pubes that he was saving for a rainy day.
- Do yourself a favor and check out the American Defense Enterprises’ blog. Yes, these folks are just one Pratt away from saving the world.
FYI, I did a little digging for you guys, and managed to unearth Spencer’s to-do list for bolstering America’s tech infrastructure:
- Find out what a “Google” is. (Sounds Muslim… check that out.)
- Take the Windows and Mac guys out to lunch and see if we can’t work things out.
- Also, get Windows guy laid, he could totally use it.
- Tila Tequila de-friended me on Myspace. Bitch gonna pay.
- Write computer virus that crawls the web, deleting any instance of the word “douche” in proximity to my name. With 100% of machines infected, should only take 7.2 years for deletions to finish.
- Send phishing email to Osama bin Laden, get his Facebook password.
- While I’m thinking of Facebook… assassinate the next person who asks me to help tend their Farmville crops. Fuck your collectivist farm, commie!
- Start an online petition to make Twitter change its name to something less gay.
- Kidnap Al Gore, force him to turn over the keycodes that control the climate control computers that he had built under the Smokey Mountains. (Alternate idea: hold him hostage, and tell the Internet I’ll kill its daddy if it doesn’t give me a billion dollars.)
- Solve the problems in the Middle East by convincing Israelis and Palestinians to move the Gaza Strip into World of Warcraft and unite against the Horde.
I feel so much safer now.