So, that’s Channing Tatum? I didn’t recognize him without the de rigeur douchewear he donned in the first two Step Ups. And yes, I watched the first two Step Ups. I will admit this fact, first because I am completely secure in my masculinity, and second because I know what you did in the high school bathroom when you were fourteen, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that getting out, right? Mutually assured destruction is the basis of all good relationships.
Anyhoo… it seems that the doofus you see up there actually allowed someone to douse his wang with scalding water:
Tatum was pretend-soldiering one raw, wet October day in the Scottish Highlands. The action required him to wade in ice-cold water, which, despite a high-tech wetsuit, could be withstood for only a few minutes. “The only way to keep warm was by pouring a mix of boiling water and river water down your suit. We were finally done shooting for the day, and one of the crew guys asks if I want to warm up before I go. I’m like, Nah, I’m good. And then I thought, Why not? Thing is, he’d forgotten to dilute the kettle water. So he poured scalding water down my suit. And I was trying to pull the suit away from my body to somehow get away from the boiling water, and the more I pulled the suit away, the lower the water went. It just went straight down and pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.”
My first thought here is that this was no accident; the Highland Waterboy did that shit on purpose. And who can blame him? You spend all day pouring warm water over some pretty-boy dude’s junk, eventually you’re gonna snap. Or buy him a drink. Either way, something exciting is gonna happen.
My second thought? Funny, but ‘Tatum’ doesn’t sound Jewish.
But far more interesting than this tale of tortured testicles is the enthusiasm with which Channing tells it:
“It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life,” he says, flipping through photos on his iPhone until he lands on a grainy snapshot of a scorched member. His scorched member.
Who the hell carries around a picture of his own junk on his phone? Sorry, but there are only a few novelty photos a man is allowed to store on his person:
- That shot of your sexually adventurous ex-girlfriend and the empty Bud Light bottle she got busy with on your birthday.
- A photo of your dog humping a sleeping homeless guy’s leg in an alley. (Coincidentally, also where your ex found that beer bottle.)
- One or more snaps of that wicked huge dump you took last Thanksgiving, since you will eventually get around to calling Guiness about it, and it’s important to have documentation.
Please note that nowhere on that list is “a snapshot of my braised penis.” But naturally, this guy broke the rule:
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