On January 11th, 2010, record-breaking homerun hitter Mark McGwire finally admitted to what we’ve all known for years: steroids had absolutely no effect on his game in any way, and he continued taking them throughout the 1990s solely because he needed to shrink his nuts so they could fit comfortably between his gargantuan thigh muscles.
When asked if he could have shattered Roger Maris’ record without the help of pasteurized horse semen (or whatever steroids are made of), Big Mac put down his needle and replied:
I truly believe so. I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.
In expounding upon this theme, he immediately revealed even more shocking secrets:
I truly believe I was given the gifts from the Man Upstairs of being a home run hitter…
To help the casual reader understand what this means, I offer the following diagram:
Artist's conception of Mr. McGwire's implied living conditions in the 1990s. No wascally wabbits were harmed.