First, we begin with the sad, cautionary tale of the guy with the world’s largest (natural) penis:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKczTKLS8hY

Of course, the real reason Jonah is struggling as an actor is because he’s an unconvincing liar. After all, everyone knows I have the world’s largest penis!^[1]

But that aside, I know what you’re thinking: “Dude, I’m a proud Vaginal-American, and I clicked through to this post with the expectation that I would see some unusual wang!” Well, my lovelies, I can provide you with that which you desire, because here we have the world’s largest (unnatural) penis:

If you want to hear some of the underlying English from that clip, go here. If you want to imagine where he could possibly put that thing, go here. If you want your innocence back, join the club and go here.

FOOTNOTES:

[1] See what I did there? That’s acting, Jonah! I told a lie, but I was completely convincing. In reality, not everyone knows about my giant schlong… just a string of very sore, very satisfied ex-girlfriends. And a tranny named Raquel, about whom no more will be said.^[2]

[2] Except this: if people expect us men to keep a clean heterosexual record, then they need to do something about dim lighting and the easy availability of tequila and opaque neck scarves.