Caprica poster featuring a topless Alessandra Torresani

It’s about time I hired someone. My apartment smells like old frozen dinners and shame.

Bet ya didn’t think you’d see “Helen Mirren” and “NSFW” together, did ya? Never underestimate me, my friends.

She’s 7′ in heels, and has actually managed to find bikinis that fit. You know you wanna see that.

A probing, thoughtful examination of our culture’s attitudes toward the female breast. (High-beams included at no extra charge.)

Welcome to excerpts from my private photo album, or as the cops will one day refer to it, evidence.

Kayden Kross does naughty naked things in front of a camera. I would too, but cameras aren’t designed to capture that much sexy.

For my next trick… assless chaps for everyone!