"Someday, I will rise up and strike him down, claiming my birthright in the rush of battle and blood. And then I will touch her boobies."
Here we see theoretical actor Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox in her “I’m really a normal chick” drag, accompanied by a young lad named Kassius. At first I feared Kassius might be sort of douche-intern at the Douche Academy that Green runs out of his home, but upon closer inspection, the young man appears to be a cute, completely normal child. (Note the lack of a ridiculous chapeau or misplaced expression of entitlement on the boy… dead giveaway.)
So how to explain his presence here? I initially considered the possibility that he might be Fox’s younger brother, but quickly realized that was implausible, ’cause there’s no way her parents would have risked bringing a brother into that family after having her. After all, no one wants a convict in the family; there’s only so much self-restraint you can expect from a boy, and incest laws are pretty strict these days.
Next I tried a little research, and discovered that this Kassius kid appears to be the son of Vanessa Marcil, she of General Hospital (the soap), 90210 (the original), Las Vegas (the death of Jimmy Caan’s dignity), and The Rock (the last movie made by Nicolas Cage before he perfected his “annoying the living hell out of everyone in the audience” acting technique). But why would the offspring of this woman:
Certified (by me) to be the absolutely finest forty-something in the history of forever. Good God, the back dimples... the back dimples!
…be schlepping around a suitcase for Michael Bay’s personal car scrubber and a dude who thinks that George Michael’s Faith-era look is immortal? It just doesn’t make sense… unless… urethra, I’ve got it!
See if you can follow me on this! Someone abducts Marcil’s kid, puts him up for sale on the black market, and dBAG buys him to serve as a houseboy. After all, he’s got lots of stuff to do between all that nothing and absolutely zero, and having some unpaid child labor could be a big help. Yeah… yeah. It’s all falling into place now. The truth is out there.
If you look closely, I think you can detect the faint hint of melancholy loss in her eyes. Her pert, succulent eyes.
Try as I might, I can find nothing on Google News to indicate that the public is even aware that this crime has been committed. Somehow, with the help of (I assume) the FBI, they’ve kept the whole thing on the down-low. But they slipped up and let this photo reach the world at large, exposing the whole sordid story. I hope the journalistic integrity which forced me to blow this story wide open doesn’t endanger the child somehow, but y’know, we bloggers must heed a higher calling. Like I once said to my spiritual gay uncle Perez, I find th– hold on a minute… phone’s ringing.
Hello? What? Wait… what?
Fuck off with that shit. Don’t dick with me.
Oh, you just die and go to hell. I hate you. Yeah, yeah… bye.
Um, okay, we’re back. So, I just got off the phone with my mom, who apparently subscribes to People or some shit and thinks she knows every fucking thing about everything. Except how to stop her new boyfriend from drinking the Dr. Pepper I left in the fridge. I mean, I had my fucking name on it, right? And then he has the gall to pull that “maybe you can call me ‘dad’ someday” stuff. I don’t know, Earl… maybe someday I can actually open the refrigerator and find my frosty fucking beverage where I left it. Could you take a day off from defiling my mother to get your own six pack, asshole?
Anyway… I’m told that, in a bizarre twist that can only be explained by a bottle of chloroform and a uterus with profound self-esteem issues, Monsieur Massengill over here is the kid’s father. Yeah, I had the same reaction. It’s like finding out that Punky Brewster raped a large Jamaican man behind Caesar’s Palace in 1998… it’s wrong, and doesn’t even make sense.
Frankly, I think I’d be happier just sticking with the child slavery story. Somehow, it seems more hopeful.
Hell with it… here’s some video of Vanessa helping the Pussycat Dolls torture Tainted Love. I’m gonna go cry.