When I was five years old, my sister and I decided to take a walk through the woods. My sister was the eldest of us, and led me through the brush toward the heart of the forest. After an hour of walking, we came upon an old woman living in a shack by a stream. She was a strange lady, hunched over and bedraggled, with what appeared to be no more than two teeth in her mouth and a similar accompaniment of hairs upon her head. She did not seem particularly menacing, although there was a certain air of strangeness about her.
The old woman beckoned us closer, and we complied, our youthful curiosity overcoming any natural reticence. To each of us she handed a card, and bade us read the words upon them aloud.
“The rabbit awoke at dawn,” my sister began in a confident voice. “It jumped fully thrice, landed but twice, and in a blink it was gone!” And with that, she disappeared in a puff of sweet-smelling smoke.
I gazed down at my own card, and back up to the old woman. “But… I don’t know how to read.”
“That’s too bad,” said the woman. She began to cackle as flickering lights swirled around her, becoming brighter by the second and forcing me to raise a hand to my eyes. When the light faded and I could once again see, she stood revealed as a darkly beautiful, terrifying witch, arrayed in robes of silken black and red. When she spoke next, her voice was like a low, feminine thunder. “You’re so fucked.”
I spent the next ten years as servant to and plaything of the witch, subjected to endless humiliations and general bad touchery. I was finally rescued at the age of fifteen by a friendly woodsman, who slew the witch with a single blow from his mighty ax.
Of course, it has since been explained to me that the woman was not actually a witch, but simply a homeless person. And not a woman so much as a very dirty guy with man-boobs named Vern. Also, the fun “ground candy” I had eaten during the walk with my sister was more on the order of “psychedelic mushrooms”, and the card she read that allowed her to escape –the one that had so mystified me in my unlearned youth– was really just a sign that said “WARNING: REGISTERED SEX OFFENDER”.
As you can imagine, I have learned a couple lessons from this experience:
- Given my willingness to eat random things off the ground and inability to tell an adult male from a female given ten years’ time, I may be a little retarded.
- Smart girls are evil.
I try to mostly focus on the second one.
Public Smart Girl Enemy #1 (And a random kid who was lucky enough to survive his own wonder years.)
Which brings me to this Winnie Cooper bitch, aka Danica McKellar. First she was America’s Sweetheart, which was fine. Pretty little girls are always completely harmless and fart daisies, so why worry?
Ah, just another happy day off... from ruining boys' lives!
What is she hiding there? My guess? More brains.
But it didn’t stop there! In defiance of all the odds, the cute little girl grew up to be hot, running around in front of cameras wearing not all that much. I was still okay with her at this point, although she was evincing a troubling tendency to personally evolve, always a dangerous sign in any female.
And then… it happened.
Look at her, with all the flaunting of her intelligence! It's disgraceful and disgusting, and probably unnatural. She might as well just strip down and scrawl formulae all over her naked body. Yeah, that's what she should do...
I learned that not only did she attend college… she actually graduated! I’m not even going to get started about these so-called “institutions of higher learning” and the black-magick way that they try to teach girls things; we’ll leave that for another day. Suffice it to say that she didn’t merely graduate. She co-authored the Chayes-McKellar-Winn theorem, which supposedly proves that for certain models of magnetic materials, there is more than one state of thermal equilibrium if –and only if– there is percolation. I don’t know what that means, but I suspect it has something to do with summoning hermaphrodite demons from Satan’s bowels and turning them into refrigerator magnets that spy on us for the government.
But that wasn’t enough. Ms. Damnica McKiller had to take it to the limit, one more time. She had to push the envelope and give the world a paper cut. She had to go after… the children!
Keep spinning your cheerful little web of educated lies, she-devil! I have seen your true face! Among other things, given some of these other photos...
I have a question for you, Beelzebub's Accountant! Can you count how many levels of hell you'll visit in eternity? Hm? Really? You can? Wow.
Books designed to encourage little girls to learn? And learn math, of all things?! To lead mere babies down the dark path of valuing the left side of their brains is, well… it’s just yucky. Shame on whatever company publishes this filth! (I would add “shame on McKiller”, but she is clearly without a shred of it.) This is an outrage against our very humanity, and I can’t believe no one is talking about it! Doesn’t anyone care anymore?!
I’m so angry right now, I’m shaking. I need to come down, get my head back where it belongs and off all this knowledgable beauty. Where’d I put those naked pictures of Paris Hilton…?
Smart chicks are hot, not scary. But, women should know their place too, right? As long as her husband is smarter than she is, I’m OK with it.
You, sir, are crass. You have sought to turn my tale of personal tragedy/buggery into casual, sexist thuggery! I have nothing but the utmost respect for women, and in my book, they are free to define their own places in life. Except for the smart ones who –as I have previously established– are all evil whores out to destroy the world.