I know very little about this fellow, despite his seeming ubiquity in pop culture. He’s an odd chap, though, based upon what I can infer from photographs and other scraps of information I have compiled in the course of my incredibly negligent and half-hearted research.

First, I think his primary career path is “bisexual pornstar”. Note the hairless torso, the alarmingly formidable lump in his dainty panties, and the intense-yet-oddly-vacant gaze which suggests in no uncertain terms that he’s about to be deliciously violated for $800 and all the Astroglide he can carry.

"No, I totally trust you, Tom! It's just, well, I thought we'd wait until Vickie and Katie got here. I-- never mind, just be gentle. Hail Xenu."

Here’s an example of one of his erotic adventures. To be honest, I can’t hazard a guess as to what the title’s “It” might be, but I hope for the sake of all involved that the bending in question was both profitable and pleasant.

Despite his extensive sexualization, it also seems that he’s only recently hit a long-delayed puberty. I know that I frequently found myself in this position soon after discovering the joys of handling the hammer.

"It's like staring into the eye of God... in my pants!"

Just for the sake of those of you who might be confused:

I’ll continue to investigate Mr. Beckham further and report on my findings periodically. I already feel as if this strange man is a part of my family. The part no one talks about and kind of shuns, of course, but family all the same.