The second hottest girl from Laguna Beach (sorry, Kristin, but Jessica had the innocent face/sinful body combo working for her) is not only taking over The Hills this season… she’s also branching out into free advice.
Okay, I take everything back. Fuck Jessica. Simply having the idea of flashing sphincter is enough to push Kristin over the top. Hell, it may just put her in the running for Greatest Person In The World.
I mean, sure, that Mother Teresa chick was working with lepers and everything in Calcutta, but c’mon… we’re talking butthole! If every little girl grew up to be just like MT, all we would have is half a planet of sharing, compassionate, and selflessly dedicated women with the sex drive of water chestnuts. If they all grew up to be like Kristin, hey, check it:
- The thong industry would replace the oil business as the most lucrative and vital part of the economy. (The Lycra shortage of 2031 will be a major bitch, though.)
- Patriarchy? Kiss it good-bye. Kristinettes would get what they want from men every time, and if they didn’t, oh, they would be so dunzo!
- Formerly inane conversations would instantly become interesting, particularly when viewed from across the street with a long lens.
- Speaking of that… following hot chicks around with cameras and lingering lovingly over their every move would stop being creepy and become a viable, mainstream lifestyle.
- Our new national anthem? More Bounce In California.
- Lauren Conrad would be forced to work as a Walmart greeter. In hell. Or Mexico, whichever is worse.
- National past-time? Out: baseball. In: marathon mani-pedis. (Loss of work for Dominicans more than compensated for by the boom in Korean employment.)
- All personal squabbles would be settled by heartfelt-yet-monosyllabic discussions in front of ocean backdrops or at night overlooking Los Angeles. (People in landlocked areas simply no longer allowed to argue.)
- Absolutely no one would appear to do any work at all, and yet somehow things would still seem to get done.
- We would have an end to racism due to the L’Oreal Act, which would mandate dye jobs and spray tans for everyone.
Let it happen, people. Take Saint Kristin of Orange County into your hearts. Love her. What’s the worst that could happen?
UPDATE: Says here that the worst is “Spencer Pratt appointed Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, issues ruling confirming Douche Rights.” Okay then… nevermind.