When They’re A-Cups, Do You Call It Jet Skiing?

We don’t normally cover movies here on WCBPB, for two reasons:

1. Watching a movie requires some sort of cognitive function unimpeded by rampaging lust or the sweet oblivion of chemical intoxication. So right there, I’m in trouble. Dumb, horny, and drunk might make for a great sorority sister, but it’ll make you one serious shit-stain of a film afficianado.
2. People in movies pretend to get drunk and have sex. They’re just liars, man. Except Charlie Sheen, of course, who by my standards is the greatest actor of all time. If there was a trophy for fabled Hollywood poon-hounds, Charlie would win it and then try to have sex with it. Speaking of which, you just know that the year Platoon came out, the little golden Oscar guy went into a deep depression when Charlie wasn’t nominated. Oscar was still in the closet then, but there were rumors. He even tried it once with Emmy, just as a test, but it was gross and awkward. Also, she totally takes that fucking ball of hers everywhere she goes, and it fell off the bed right in the middle and broke his concentration, which was, y’know, the last thing he needed right then. She apologized after, and they laughed about it, but she always knew. She knew.

However, exceptions can be made for this:

Riley Steele motorboating Kelly Brook? Check. Heels and a bikini on a boat? Check. People, this is one suggestively-held bottle of beer away from being completely awesome.

Right there, I know Piranha 3D will be a monument to cinema’s greatness. I mean, let’s set aside what is perhaps the most cheese-tastic talent line-up ever (Elizabeth Shue, Jerry O’Connell, Christopher Lloyd, a just-for-the-fuck-of-it Richard Dreyfuss, Dina Meyer, Steve McQueen’s grandson, and pornstar Riley Steele… what, no Carrot Top?); if random candid photos from the set look this fun, the movie itself is going to deliver more entertainment value than the UPS guy accidentally dropping off a crate of Indonesian prostitutes at David Duchovny’s house.

(Two tips for David: First, Téa will never look under the couch. Second, after thousands of miles and many days in a musty wooden box, spray a little Febreze on your prostitutes, just to keep them fresh.)

Ah, Piranha 3D…  you complete me.

Kelly Brook says: "Wheeeeeeeee!"

Riley Steele says "Bbbbb-bbbbb-bbbbb-bbbbb!"